Does Your H/significant Other Go Elsewhere For Intimacy?

[HëllaBubz]

Hi Wife,

It's interesting that you should mention that, because that is exactly what has been happening.
Our intimate life has gone from once every 2 months or so, to once every other week, sometimes more!
If I am thoroughly communicative about my needs, and the fastest way to hit the 'on' button, we are pretty successful, and I don't end up clamming up.

Of course me getting my period does kind of stuff that timeline up a little!!!! But he has been going much less, and he and I are both happier for it, because it is fulfilling our emotional and physical needs.

It has been interesting to watch his symptoms, and the conclusion that my mother and I have come to, is that he is undergoing what was a delayed hormonal burst.

When we first started dating, his physical build and appearance was almost pre-adolescent, but in the years afterwards, he has put on muscle, he had no masculine 'scent' and now he does, body hair has grown and he has put on weight.:inlove: The hormonal surge has been as such that the doctor actually gave his a prescription deodorant because of the hormone induced sweat that was being produced!

As a result, his sex drive has boomed, and so when I got assaulted (3 years ago), the first year it was ok, but as time went on the sex became less and less, and he went more and more nuts! Pardon the pun! :eek::roflmao:

As a result, I'm now planning a wedding for several years down the track, there hasn't been a proposal, but he and I have decided to work out a budget, but considering the amount of money that he has 'buffered' me for while I've been on benefits, I've decided to foot the ceremony and reception myself.

We are also talking even more than before, our communication has always been pretty good, but we are connecting even more than before, it doesn't matter what tries to separate us, we just pull closer together.

As I've said to people in the past, most recently my father, you have to do what hurts sometimes to make sure that things work out, and so long as you both communicate and the support is there, anything is possible, so I don't give a flying #$%^ about the people (like my father) who want to rag out on my partner, all we need is the emotional support, we will work out the rest.

 

[Taven Carlsen]

I would just like to say, as a man, I do not like hormonal/chemical birth control. I won't elaborate but... if you know what I mean you know what I mean.

 

[HëllaBubz]

It's not natural? I am not really a fan of it either, but my partner and I, even though we want children badly, know that I cannot/ should not have children at this stage in my life, it would be unfair and selfish to all involved.

 

[Diamond81]

When I was with my ex 5 years ago, he treated me horribly, I was raped, beaten, passed around to friends, drugged and gang raped.....the list goes on and on.....however, he was a kind of good looking bloke, and he had a charm, that even though you weren't comfortable doing what he wanted, he had a way of making you feel good, and almost that you needed to do it for him in order to be happy.:sick:

When he tried to use me as 'currency' to pay for drugs, I finally cracked the shits, and kicked him across the room. There is a house in a town that still has my blood across the walls, and when his friend stepped in, knocked out my then boyfriend, and took me with him for the night, when that friend asked for sex, I gave it to him out of gratitude, even though there was nothing satisfactory about it, and it didn't feel right because it wasn't my abusive partner.:confused:

This pretty much stuns me, particularly given the fact that "5 years ago" put you at the ripe old age of 17. I do not hear a sense of "victimhood" in your recounting of these events, though anyone would agree you WERE victimized, and I personally am very saddened and sorry this happened to you.

It was difficult indeed to read the above and not have a very strong desire to exact some sort of justice.

But that's MY issue and, having been abusive myself, I am of course a hypocrite of the worst sort for even saying so. But I have also been a "victim". There is rarely mutual "abuse" and in fact, by definition, abuse requires both a victim and a perpetrator. it's just hell to have been both........

 

[HëllaBubz]

Hi Diamond, yes, you are spot on, I was 17 and 2 months when I met him, and most of the crap happened in a 6 month period.
For me, I honestly feel, when I re-account those evens, like I am behaving like a victim, and so, I try to 'nutshell' everything that had happened when I tell people about it, but my partner's family seems to think I am 'sensationalizing' what happened, and exaggerating.

After having so many people diss what has happened to me, or tell me I'm full of shit and no one could go through all of that and be cheerful or talk about it with a straight face, I will admit that getting some understanding from people who have been through similar is a powerfully addicting drug.

I most definitely understand when you say that it is hell to be both, there were times when I allowed myself to become extremely callous in my self misery and pain, and became and extremely cold, manipulative whore, who was used by, and in turn used men to boost myself emotionally.

I laugh when I hear people say that whores are only after your money and the high life. Sometimes, there are more important things than money. Like self esteem and worth.

There is something horribly attractive, addictive, and yet immensely damaging about letting yourself be used for sex, because if you are good at something, you stroke their ego, you please them in every way, you are needed, and as a result, you are kept, and used.

And in some horribly f*cked up and twisted way, you enjoy and yet hate it.

I know so much about the world, and yet, so little.

 

[Diamond81]

There is something horribly attractive, addictive, and yet immensely damaging about letting yourself be used for sex, because if you are good at something, you stroke their ego, you please them in every way, you are needed, and as a result, you are kept, and used.

Before I elaborate on this statement (with your indulgence, please) I'd like to clarify my comments about being a "victim". I do not live my life as a victim, but it has been vital to my ,mental health and person-hood to validate that I WAS victimized. Being able to squarely fix blame allows ME to forgive. Forgiveness however isn't something I necessarily do for the other person, it is what I do for myself.

There has been much written about trauma and the brain. what we call "memory" isn't visual or even subject to willful recall. Humans have a triumvirate brain- scientists have coined a term for the part of our brains which records data for our survival. It is called the 'reptilian brain", predicated on the fact that if a lizard makes its way to a food source, he will repeat the exact path over and over unless and until the food source is depleted or his path is somehow obstructed. The reptile's survival depends on this repetition.

Many theorize that it is THIS "part" of the brain is where trauma is stored, absent of "memory". The "repetition compulsion" is what creates addictions, unhealthy attractions and certain acting-out behaviors. it is not a part of our brains we can access. It is a part of the brain that records the touch of the proverbial "hot stove" so we need never repeat the experience.

It has been said that we repeat certain traumas over and over and over in an instinctual acting out methodology of the absurd, in hopes of a resolution.

The above is merely a personal observation based on independent research and is not intended to represent scientific fact.

 

[HëllaBubz]

Huh. Your reply rang something deep there.

I must admit, I have NEVER come across someone who has put my deepest feelings so eloquently into words.

Personal observation clarifies scientific research to a level that enables more than just understanding, but healing also.

Validating abuse allows acknowledgement, which I believe is crucial to healing, and so your comment about being able to 'squarely fix blame' is almost grief inducing in its truth, and yet sadly absent presence.

 

[Diamond81]

I know I am shut off from parts of myself a good deal of the time. Long ago however, I was "taught" ( for lack of a better word) to make a pact with myself to feel my feelings, regardless of how painful they may be.

Grief is a very solitary exercise and necessary. People grieve in different ways for varying lengths of time, but if anything impedes this process or cuts it off completely, I will become stuck. Some are either unwilling or incapable of grieving, but for me, the only way out is through.

I know that now, on those rare instances when I talk about what happened, I am a part of the story instead of a part of the audience, I allow myself to acknowledge "what happned", and the need to talk about it has lessened immensely.

I was once caught in the awkward stage of assessing my story (my self worth), based on the reactions of those to whom I told it, and it isn't hard to see how transient and unfullfilling this was. I became better at telling my story. I did not become better at making peace with my past.

I am and have been learning for a long time now, how to be my friend. I respect my own grief, mourning, and suffering and therefore do not feel the impulse to rush out and inflict it on others.

If I need to feel intense anger, I do it. If fear, then I feel it. I am not always sucessful, but I do always try to honor the pact I made with myself. I believe in cultivating a secret, private self that belongs to no one. I believe this is healthy and I am the only authority on where my boundaries need to be. I am not my story, I am not the things that happened to me. I am the only one who gets to define me.


You are truly beautiful and worthy of love.

 

[Oasis616]

Hi TheBubzilla,

I really appreciate your candidness throughout this whole thread and your openness to discuss your trials. I've recently run into a similar situation due to a drunken initiation of sex by my husband which was a little too out of the ordinary and power-hungry than I could handle. The flipside is my husband and I both have PTSD which complicates matters and in the aftermath, I chose to stay and work things out. Some would say I am weak, I believe I chose to view the man behind the disorder rather than the disorder itself.

With that explaination, needless to say intimacy has been non-existent for about 2 months now...not even on our wedding night. It's been very difficult on both of us as he harbors a great deal of guilt about it, and I harbor fear. Since meeting my husband, he was extremely adamat about not liking porn or strip clubs, however at both his and his good friend's bachelor parties, he ended up at the strip club, coming home reeking of bar, sweat and lap dance. The first time I didn't think anything of it because it was his bachelor party, but when he told me he ended up getting "a few" lap dances because he tried a couple times to buy one for the bachelor, warning dingers went off in my head...then about a week later in "tough man" conversation with some of his friends, I overhead him state proundly he was a married man, but still looked at porn...warning bells chime again.

As since the incident he has not attempted to initiate or talk about what happened, I decided confront him about it. Due to his trauma, disapproval or anger towards him is so overbearing, he will often mislead statements. Fortunately, this has not been supported in our relationship as I guess I tend to be a very logical and deducing person and am often able to catch him red-handed in a lie. Over time he has gotten much better, but I believe the shame associated with this got the best of him. I had to push pretty heavily, but in the end it came down to he needed intimacy, I couldn't provide it, so he was forced to go somewhere else which was a major blow to me and made me feel like a poor wife. However, it also brought anger to the surface given he was the reason I was having problems and the thought of him being aroused by another woman because he couldn't handle approaching it with me was immensely confusing. In our discussion, I told him avoiding what happened wasn't going to make it better and by doing what he was doing it was only serving to deepen the void between us.

Short story long, in reading through your posts, I have a renewed sense of hope that my husband and I can regain the intimacy we once had and that nothing is insurmoutable. It is a particular monster to reside in a relationship in which both partners have PTSD and the stress associated with it sometimes makes a happy future seem unreachable. Thank you again.

 

[HëllaBubz]

Ah Oasis, I'm so glad that you can get some benefit out of my situation. I've had a few ex's who were heavy drinkers to say the least, so I really do understand what you are saying there.

I must admit, I admire you, being in a situation where BOTH of you have PTSD, it takes a special person to work with something like that.

Yes there is hope, but on my part, brutal, painful honesty and support is the only way to get through this, and both of you must be willing to learn each other's triggers, and create a relationship around those.

It is really, really hard work, but with a fantastically supportive partner like mine, it is possible, so long as clear communication is there.

All the best, and feel free to drop me a line if you want to chat or you need to vent/ have some support.

xoxoxo

Bubzie

 

[Oasis616]

Bubzie (may I call you that?), it has been difficult and I realize as I reread my post I left out an important part. My PTSD is complex, both combat-related and due to two MSTs. Thus, what happened while he was in his episode, was a major blow to my ability cope.

He is immensely supportive as we both and come in a few weeks he will be attending an inpatient treatment for PTSD, a decision he made post-situation because he realized he just couldn't do it on his own anymore. We have been through many ups and downs and often joke it is a miracle we made it to our wedding day, however regardless everything, he's my best friend and the one I turn to.

We've begun trying to rebuild intimacy, but it is as you say, a very long process. I came to this site/forum looking for support because I often harbor anger because I can't just "snap out of it" and move on. I deeply realize this is not a reality of PTSD, but I often feel bad that I can't love my husband the way I want to and the way he needs. Thank you again and I will keep you updated, if you'd like, on our progress.

 

[HëllaBubz]

Hi Oasis,

Of course you may call me Bubzie, its one of my favourite nicknames, both it and Bubzilla are my nicknames in real life, given to me by my partner!

I'm so glad your bond with him is so strong, although PTSD complicates my life immensely, it has brought me closer to my H even more.

I'm glad he is getting help, being self aware is, in my opinion, extremely important to managing, although I looked at doing the in-patient treatment, I couldn't afford it, and I think being away from my partner would have done more damage than good for both of us.

I would very much like to hear about your progress, feel free to PM me anytime. I really do understand when you say that it is frustrating as well as anger inducing when your brain/body feels one thing, but the counterpart refuses to cooperate.

My sex drive is slowly improving, but sometimes I'll be 'up for it' but because of a nightmare, or how I'm feeling, I can't get my brain/body to cooperate.....it makes for a very frustrating experience sometimes.

Anyway, much love to you.

xox

Bubzie