It hurts to stand after about 11am, but taking the minimal amount of pain meds and finding more comfortable ways to be at lunch and after work. The pain has gone on for a few years but with it feeling different (and a little worse) recently my doctor ordered an MRI (coming up). I've had one before and was okay with the tube (helpful that it's open on both ends), very occupied in my imagination, but I am a little anxious about what they will or will not find and what will be next.
My therapist is out for some medical stuff and I'm respecting her space and recovery by not e-mailing her (typically, I'm pretty sure I e-mail too much...when pained it's sometimes been a couple times a day because she doesn't respond fast enough...I can feel really insane like that). Instead I've forced myself beyond a little avoidance and gone to small group things that felt useful, like yin yoga and meditation. Even if that stuff is in my off time, I really have to schedule it and stick to it. Okay and even a little helpful for pain stuff, and also an okay way to just be around other humans.
Over-all it feels good to notice that I physically feel run-over but I am still present, not having a meltdown, and feel like I've been doing the best I can. It's dragging on a bit, but I'm still doing okay.
It helps to notice that I can wonder how my therapist is doing but respect her own space and not e-mail all my concerns and meltdowns. I never thought this would happen. For one, I'm utilizing some other resources a bit. But also, it doesn't feel like she's "disappeared" or like I have, or either of us or the connection has been erased. Part of my issue has been that I probably e-mail or want contact between sessions because my connection to others is so off-base or weak. I really have some sort of object permanency issue related to humans and attachment....so much so that I wondered about bpd but my therapist doesn't think I have a personality disorder, just early and complex trauma with symptoms that can be addressed from trauma perspective.
Not sure if that makes much sense to anyone, but it's like my therapist still "there", I don't feel so impulsive/compulsive, I am making notes on what I want to bring up next. I'm taking care of myself. My pain is worse, but I'm not feeling completely trapped right now...
Basically it feels like I can respond and imagine actions better vs everything feeling like an immediate emergency situation to my body. I think this is pretty important and it helps me, even when it is sort of shitty, to know I have been making subtle progress. Slow and steady I suppose.
My therapist is out for some medical stuff and I'm respecting her space and recovery by not e-mailing her (typically, I'm pretty sure I e-mail too much...when pained it's sometimes been a couple times a day because she doesn't respond fast enough...I can feel really insane like that). Instead I've forced myself beyond a little avoidance and gone to small group things that felt useful, like yin yoga and meditation. Even if that stuff is in my off time, I really have to schedule it and stick to it. Okay and even a little helpful for pain stuff, and also an okay way to just be around other humans.
Over-all it feels good to notice that I physically feel run-over but I am still present, not having a meltdown, and feel like I've been doing the best I can. It's dragging on a bit, but I'm still doing okay.
It helps to notice that I can wonder how my therapist is doing but respect her own space and not e-mail all my concerns and meltdowns. I never thought this would happen. For one, I'm utilizing some other resources a bit. But also, it doesn't feel like she's "disappeared" or like I have, or either of us or the connection has been erased. Part of my issue has been that I probably e-mail or want contact between sessions because my connection to others is so off-base or weak. I really have some sort of object permanency issue related to humans and attachment....so much so that I wondered about bpd but my therapist doesn't think I have a personality disorder, just early and complex trauma with symptoms that can be addressed from trauma perspective.
Not sure if that makes much sense to anyone, but it's like my therapist still "there", I don't feel so impulsive/compulsive, I am making notes on what I want to bring up next. I'm taking care of myself. My pain is worse, but I'm not feeling completely trapped right now...
Basically it feels like I can respond and imagine actions better vs everything feeling like an immediate emergency situation to my body. I think this is pretty important and it helps me, even when it is sort of shitty, to know I have been making subtle progress. Slow and steady I suppose.
