General Domestic Violence in the Military

[msktaylor0207]

wow i missed alot from the past couple days... i can understand how someone who hasnt been in my situation could think otherwise, but i think people have misconceptions about how things that i post come across. and that might be my fault... ive never used my husbands PTSD as an excuse. because its not. and never has been. its hard for anyone that hasnt lived under this roof, to get the whole story of my life experiences with my husbands PTSD. and its hard to post it all of course. 4 years is a long time, and i dont have that much time to write everything that is goin on. but i definatly feel misunderstood. and sometimes feel looked down upon. which isnt the best feeling in the world, when im only tring to get support. i dont expect anyone to understand. but even with things i dont agree with or just dont know about, i dont want someone to feel like their life is all wrong and shameful. that doesnt help anyone get better. and definatly not motivating.

depending on situations, the military does take action when it comes to DV. however, officers, drs, counselors, and anyone with enough authority, had a base meeting and all agreed that my husbands tendancy to abuse and his mental health issues was due to untreated PTSD. and did not punish him. he can be promoted if it was time, he was not court marshalled. he was not punished whatsoever by the military. he does not even have DV on his record. it was downgraded to offensive harrassment because of his mental status and lack of proper treatment of PTSD. you can all argue about it, but thats the fact with my sitatuation. his actions of hitting is soley his responsibility. and hes always taken responsibility for that.

 

[Kathy]

but i definatly feel misunderstood. and sometimes feel looked down upon. which isnt the best feeling in the world, when im only tring to get support.

I am not certain who you are referring to msktay, however I apologize if I have personally made you feel misunderstood. That was never my intent, nor do I look down upon you in the slightest. In fact I relate to your situation in some ways, some things you discuss are much like what happened between my husband and myself when we were newly married. Unfortunately, the written word does not always transmit nearly as well as speaking face to face.

I made this into a new thread as I felt it was deviating from its original intent of supporting you. Much of the discussion in this thread has simply been about domestic violence in general, and not meant to refer to you personally.

 

[msktaylor0207]

kathy, i dont think anything you said was what upset me. i think responses and comments from people who maybe havent read my other posts or maybe just comments from people who cant relate, so its hard for them to begin to think in a different mind set. i think just comments as a whole maybe. if i had something near me, to where face to face support was possible i would definatly choose that then writing. and maybe i should look for more support from friends who are here and dont make me feel judged. (which no kathy, you have not made me feel that way) you hav always showed compassion and the willingness to learn and try to look at it from all angles and views. and know that its someones actual experience, and thats its not about right or wrong.

 

[Kathy]

Ah OK, I am glad I have not upset you. However I am still a bit confused, are you upset by things said in this particular thread, or in your thread? Most of the people who posted in this thread have military experiences of their own and were posting general opinions rather than speaking to you specifically. That is why I split the thread in the first place, so you would not take things personally, as most of what has been discussed is not personal to yourself.

 

[msktaylor0207]

the specific part that was quoted from my post makes it look like we use PTSD as an excuse and that it is the CAUSE of abuse. which i dont think is what my original post is portraying. and i tried to explain it better since im not very good about creating a clear picture. so when thats the only part of the post that is quoted to the question that someone had about it and then split it becomes the topic in question. then in turn, is when i take it personally. which im sure hardly anyone knew who wrote it. but i and some others do.

PTSD takes over such a broad range of people. it doesnt care what color, age, gender, ethnic background you are and no 2 people will react the same way even with the same experiences. and with enough military training combined with PTSD is asking for a rage of violence. not everyone will experience this, but my husbands unit alone.. weve seen all that we needed to see to know violence and PTSD can be linked together. no doubt about it. it doesnt make it an excuse. but imagine you are who you are right now or at your worst times in your PTSD road of life and are on more then 20 different meds, and you have a flashback. could you 100% say you could control your actions or words? i cant speak for myself, because i have never done that, but ive seen it. i personally think emotional and verbal abuse is so much more worse then physical. (to a point or certain extent)

 

[Kathy]

It was certainly not intended to point the finger at anyone. Sometimes it is difficult to split a thread "cleanly" so to speak. I debated for a time on how to split the thread. It did need to be split however, as it was definitely getting off topic. I did notice however you explained yourself quite well in your support thread, well done.

Sometimes when we write things here, others, especially those with PTSD, are triggered by what is written as it reminds them of their own situation and trauma. They then take things far too personally. They over identify so to speak. I believe that may have been the case in this situation, that some identified with what you were saying, however judged it from their own trauma experiences rather than realizing your situation is very different. It is easy to do so.

I agree with you regarding what is done during a flashback. My husband, when he had combat stress, needed to be woken up from the feet rather than the head, as he would attack me or the children in his sleep. That is not abuse, simply the combination of hypervigilance and his military training. My daughter also, she has PTSD, and when her illness was untreated, there were times when she would have horrible violent fits. Occasionally someone would get hurt by accident during these fits. I do not consider that abuse in the traditional sense either. She certainly did not intend nor wish to harm anyone, she was quite out of control. And I agree also, emotional and verbal abuse are far worse in many respects!

 

[2Peanut]

Holy I just googled it and it says adultery in the US military is an offense you can get court martialed for. Wow. It's not like that in the Canadian military though.

Yes you can get a court martial for it. I was in the Navy and maybe 10 years ago there was a story on the news about a woman in the Air Force who was given a General Discharge rather than an Honorable Discharge because she was dating a married man. She didn't know he was married, but she still got in trouble for it. In boot camp I remember reading in the code of military justice that you could get in trouble even if you don't pay your bills since paying bills on time is written in the cmj.

 

[Nicolette]

I know the military to be harsh and regimented but if that woman did not know the man was married, I think it was unfair.

 

[Jim]

We don't have that law in the Canadian military. Think it's solely the Americans.

Jim.

 

[pastrychefarmywife]

wow. ok, as far as i know, if you get charged with DV, in the us army, they take you out of the quarters, if your married, for 72 hrs. then the soldier, gets counceling, anger management, and its soley based on the commander of his unit or company, weither he gets any 'bad things' as rank taken, loss of pay etc....yes you can get in trouble for not paying your bills, and also, if you dont have a family care plan, if you get deployed, like someone to take care of your kid,etc... ( it would be me in our case that takes the 'caregiver' if hubby would get deployed again.

kathy, hubby also has those wonderful flashbacks and nightmares, i too have learned to wake him from his feet, never touchinghis arms or face again! also in one flashback, i was sleeping and he just grabed me like he was going to hug me, but then started chocking me! i had to nail him in the ribs to get him to let go. he never knew he did it. and i f i haden't payed attention to my aunt telling me about her hubby doing that when he came back from WW2, i would have flipped out!