Don't Accept The Dictum To Forgive An Abuser

[lostforgottensoul]

Forgiveness isn't giving a pass. Forgiveness isn't condoning. Forgiveness to me reads making space within myself & finding some peace, and is not about them, but about me and reconnecting what healthy is left of me, after what they've done.

Ok, I get that. So what is the difference of forgiving and healing and accepting and healing? Is it to each their own or is it actually two different things?

 

[Freedomfighter]

This article by a therapist does a wonderful job of summing up the argument against "easy forgiveness" so p...

I have always wondered about those stories where family members forgive predators that killed someone they loved.
We have to remind ourselves that such predators are not creatures that make sense in the first place. A predator is there to hurt you, whether you forgive him or her or not does not make a difference in the end.

It is preposterous to watch when a predator comes crawling on his or her knees to find forgiveness, to a predator this would only be a chance to get close to the victim all over again.

Predators are inhumane, so why should we do the humane thing?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@Freedomfighter, i dont do well with generalized statements. Even if true, i just dont function well under generalization generally. Say that 10 times fast lol.

 

[shimmerz]

I don't focus so much on forgiveness but rather working on removing emotional 'hooks'. So if I have an issue with someone that keeps recurring; if I keep hashing it over, can't let it go, I try to remove the 'hook' they have in me. Why does it bug me? What is happening in ME to keep this issue alive. And I literally picture myself removing the 'hook' of emotion that I identify. I don't actually believe in forgiveness as it is normally spoken about.

 

[Ronin]

So what is the difference of forgiving and healing and accepting and healing?

I take it as different processes, personally. As in that acceptance is taking things as they are, at face value, but they may still influence a person very negatively; while healing is about lessening or removing that influence, a shift from it.

 

[shimmerz]

As in that acceptance is taking things as they are, at face value, but they may still influence a person very negatively

Super helpful to me at this point @Cashew. Thank you. Acceptance hasn't been enough for me, but hadn't been able to pinpoint why. This makes sense.

 

[Ronin]

You're very welcome, Shimmie.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

As in that acceptance is taking things as they are, at face value, but they may still influence a person very negatively; while healing is about lessening or removing that influence, a shift from it.

I guess what i meant to ask is if person A doesnt forgive at all and only accepts then heals but person B forgives and heals, is that two completely different roads that lead to the same place, healing, or is it essentially doing the same thing in different ways?

So i wasnt comparing accepting & healing but rather a person that accepts, doesnt forgive, and heals and another person that forgives mainly and heals.

I think its rather a loaded question personally because i think a lot of regious views about forgiving is behind the "forgiving road". Thats just how I currently view the two.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

As in that acceptance is taking things as they are, at face value, but they may still influence a person very negatively; while healing is about lessening or removing that influence, a shift from it.

Ok, i just re-read this (a dyslexic, i got an excuse ;)) and so what im reading is both will likely be required at some point. That accepting doesnt stop the negitive impact, only things accept as they are but forgiving does help the negitive impact on you. Am i reading that right?

 

[Bloomy]

The national song of Noway fits well into this discussion - it goes translated something like this "love to think, just love to think about my father and my mother" . Ive never been able to sing this without choking and cant even belive a national song can be so hypocrate building upon that one should forgive the parents that did you so wrong cause sure they only ment the best for you? If you forgive and forget and focus on love to think about them since they were kind enough to give you birth then surely all must become well?

Fits into what Muse says above here about then forgive so much you let fex the pedos in your house. What my sister did after I told her how daddy dearest molested me when 27 age. Forgive and took him into her house with her two small girls. Surpressing all he did to us as kiddos and also blaming me for what he did as I were grown up

Forgive makes me choke.

Only if one say - Im so terribibly sorry for what I did to you. I understand how much pain Ive put you in and how horrible it made you feel. After this action will speak louder then words do.

 

[rosey]

I will never give those that hurt me forgiveness. Not because i am not able to if i truely wanted to but because i donnot believe that they deserve it, any more than i deserved what they inflicted on me.

Forgiving them will not give me peace of mind and since i don't have contact with them will not aid any relationship.

I do morn though every day that is more healing and healthy for me.

I am glad that so many others disagree with the need to forgive too.

 

[Bloomy]

Ah sorry Im ranting here - I cant even picture forgiving my dad. Like "I forgive you dad cause you forced your self and your slimy mouth upon me with brute force trying to kiss me when I was 27 years old. And threatning to violate me when I tried to get out of you violate grip. . I forgive you cause you nearly tried to rape me shortly after. Its ok dear dad. I understand your childhood also was dificult and you couldnt do any better. I understand you are upset that you did this to me so daddy dearest I forgive you.

Doesnt that sound pretty bad? This is what they want us to forgive and forget.

Even if that bastard actually said to me - Im sorry I did that to you and it will bever happen again. Im sorry I hurt you. So the f*ckin friggin what?!? If he crawled on his knees, licked the feet of St Mary or what ever - there is just some horrors I belive one can never forgive.

Sometimes one must live on with the scars. One must remove toxic shit out of ones live to make sure one will never have to surive such again. Build muscles and learn fight sport to make sure in case another bastard comes along you can threaten the shit out of him. Ok then - if his to sick it want work but any way.

Rant over - thanks.