Don't Care Any More

[Srain]

((((((((((((Sammy))))))))))))))
I'm so sorry for your loss, what a difficult time. :(
It's good you have reconnected with your Brother and can gather strength and support from each other.

I truly do not know what goes through people's mind after a loss and how some feel the need to "pick over" the belongings, maybe it's just the way they deal with it but it's very off-putting to me and hard for me to witness. It's been done up and close and personal in my family so my heart goes out to you on this.

Sammy, sometimes Dissociation is a helpful way of getting through trying times, it can protect us, if this helps you for now then use it just make sure you continue to feed your body and care for yourself physical self. I see your pup and know that he is waiting on you and will be there for long after the ex is your ex as will be your Brother.

Walk through this day by day, moment by moment.
Sending you peaceful thoughts and calming rest,
Rain

 

[Sammy]

I just want to get the internment over, go home and see my pup. I am told he has been looking for me at the care place. They take awesome care of him but I know he misses me. I miss him!!! I don't want to see the spouse but I guess that can't be avoided. Just too much for one person to cope with. I want to just curl into bed and not move. I am physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted. Just don't know how much one person is expected to bear. I am over my limit. Really just want to disappear. Take the pup and go anywhere. Just hide.

 

[AngelaMarie]

Hang in there, Sammy.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm sorry Sammy. :(
Maybe you can get a few days away.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Sammy soon it will be all over and you will have to go home to face and to deal. I think it would be good to take time outs when you are not up to facing and dealing with the divorce.

Death is so real. There is no denial with death. it is hard on everyone and they all have their own ways of dealing with it or not.

Sounds like when you get home you will need alot of rest. Can you get some ensure or some other liquid drink that has vitamins in it to drink since you are not eating good. How are you sleeping? this is a big huge deal that you are invoved in.

So happy for you that you connected with your brother. That is a big plus. Hopefully you guys will be able to stay in touch. Sounds like you are too busy to think.

I do not know how big your family is. I hope they can work together to tie up all of the loose ends.

I hope you do not get sick. My heart goes out to you. hugs and prayers.

 

[bethinhfx]

Sammy: I am sorry for your loss. I know when my father died I kind of fell apart but it wasn't just his death. I wasn't grieving as an adult; it was all of my inner child stuff from my childhood. It was very overwhelming. I suggest that you slooooow down; don't make any big changes for a while; and take care of yourself. I didn't do any of those things and had quite a melt down, which can only be made somewhat better if you learn from my experience. Take care of yourself.......peace. Beth

 

[Heather]

Sammy - I'm sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself, you need to especially during this difficult time.

Hugs. Heather.

 

[Sammy]

Bethinkfx, I think some of that is going on. I am really fighting the urge to run. My brother that was really a bully is around and that has been hard. My siblings that are here don't get it. They know what he is like but defend him. I have been pretty dissociated. I stay disconnected from feelings as much as I can just to get through the next couple of days. I start with a new therapist when I return home and I think that will be helpful. Lots of memories coming back, lots of anger, lots of fear, lots of loss. Lots of mixed feelings about my father. Mostly I am just very sad and exhausted. Mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted.

 

[woundedsoul]

I'm so sorry to hear of the passing of your father. I understand the inevitability of turmoil and chaos and emotions swirling from being around the family of origin. I am terrified of a family wedding coming up in August.

I hope you are able to take care of yourself very soon and give yourself the love and care and attention it sounds like you are in need of after what you've just endured. Take good care of you.

 

[bethinhfx]

@Sammy: I was away in Boston (I am from Canada) and I came unglued- literally. I think when you come from a difficult upbringing when a parent dies it really isn't business as usual. I was very disassociated and not really dealing with reality and in my opinion its important that you don't minimize what you are going through. I had meltdown after meltdown and I am a strong person but I am also a real person who was very wounded in my childhood and a lot of that came up when my Dad died.

Just be mindful, as you are, that this is a very difficult time; probably one of the most difficult times that you will go through and just be very gentle with yourself and breathe a lot; reach out to clergy if there are some available. Thats what they are there for and they helped more than you know. You will get through this but make sure you get the support and love that you deserve. Namaste.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

(((Sammy))) Be good to you!

 

[Sammy]

Returned home. Spouse is here and hasn't contacted the lawyer to get this d*mn divorce over. Greeted me with a big hug and condolences. What the heck am I supposed to do with that? Seriously? I am supposed to act like him being here, calling the girlfriend at night, spending weekends with her is OK? I feel like I am losing my mind. He says I get agitated when he talks to me. Not kidding!! What does he want? The most sane thing in my life is the dog and he barks at the spouse endlessly. The spouse pretended he wasn't here for the first 2 months and then was gone for 4 months. What does he expect? Besides, I am sure the dog can tell I don't like having him around.
Could things get more insane? I can't live like this. This is just plain wrong.