Don't Care Any More

[Deleted member 12723]

Sammy, I am sorry you are planning your funeral. I am glad you are going to take this one into therapy with you.
I am so sad that you have no support and feel like a outsider. I have known those feelings and it gets really lonely.

How is the divorce going? Are you eating and sleeping ok? I know it is not the same as the real world but you have us for support. Lots of people here care about you and have been here for you.

You must be so burnt out and exhausted. You have been through the wringer. I hope that your therapy session gives you some fresh hope. And phone numbers to call in a crises situation. I hope you do not harm yourself. It sounds like you are getting ready for something serious.

Do you still have your dog? I hope for you some better days ahead. I hope for you some real people to connect with. What happened to your brother that you were getting close to after your dad died?

You need to have some good support. You cannot do this alone. I hope you at least call your therapist before you do anything to harm yourself. I care. I am worried about you. I am glad you posted today. Be very gentle with yourself. You are strong and have what it takes to go the distance. A wise person told me today that on the bad days we have to ride with it. I wish I could be with you now. I would give you a big hug and fix you a meal that you love and cover you with a soft blanket and help you to distract yourself with lighthearted comedies on tv. Please hang on. It will get better, these bad days will pass. Just hang on and do not give up. Big hugs.

 

[Tessa]

Sorry to hear about your father. You are dealing with so much and it can seem overwhelming. Try to take it moment by moment and day by day and I pray that God will hold you in the palm of his hand and gently wipe away the tears and bring you peace.

 

[Srain]

I'm sorry your friend has moved, that makes what you are going through feel even more difficult. I don't find making out your Will all that strange considering you have recently lost your father and are going through an emotionally trying divorce. I have writing my own wills since I was a child, something about doing so helps to comfort me and gives a sense of control, it may be different for you though.

I found it very interesting that your pup barked at your ex - dogs just know, huh? ;)

Please take good care,
(((hugs))))
Rain

 

[NarcSis]

I too reached a point where I was planning my funeral, picking out music, considering a will, writing a draft, designing my stone etc. I even considered calling one of those pre-planning things at the funeral home so that I could start to pre-pay my funeral.

I know what its like to be there, trust me, its fine, the fact remains that we (and I mean everyone in this world) do not know when we are going to die and when we are feeling extremely upset exhausted and borderline suicidal, we tend to think more about our deaths from a more personal side. I know what its like to feel like death is not too far away from you - stalking you even, so don't punish yourself, death is a normal part of life and by starting to plan for it, you are confronting the fear of it. We all fear it. None of us want it but one day, eventually it will come, truthfully we don't know how it will come but by setting up a plan for The Day is actually practical, many people do it and it is in no way morbid.

Don't punish yourself for it. Confronting our mortality is part and parcel of having PTSD.

It is extremely exhausting to have to fight this fight. The pain of facing trauma often makes death look like a welcoming embrace and like you, I faced many personal losses while enduring the worst of my trauma symptoms and I wanted to give up but I kept at it. I dragged myself through each day, whether fully invested or not, I just did and here I am today, paces ahead of where I was two years ago. Keep at it. You'll get through it.

 

[Lionheart]

Wish I had the right words to say to you Sammy,:confused: but I am in the process of losing my father to lung cancer and I am not doing so great with that! Hope I get the chance to sit vigil with my father before he passes so I can make sure he is at least comfortable, the way you did for your father. I think it was a great thing for you to be there for him and I just hope I can do the same for my dad.

My deepest condolences!!!

.......and as for the trauma issues, hang in there.......it can get a whole lot better and you will not always suffer the way you do now. I'm living proof!!!:tup:

Wishing you Peace,
Lion

 

[Sammy]

Thanks for the support, everyone. This is by far the hardest time in my life and I just can't see the road ahead. I imagine there is one... I just can't see it and aren't so certain I want to. Between the PTSD, divorce, loss of my father and I just feel completely lost. The further seems so impossible.

Lion, I hope you get to sit with your father. It is an awful, terrible honor to be with someone at the end of your life. I can also so that no matter how prepared you think you are, you are never ready to lose a parent. I have lost both of mine and I miss them terribly.