Don't feel human anymore

[intothelight]

For a long period of my life I felt like I shouldn't even exist, as though I was a waster of space. Then when I accepted my existence, I felt different and alien is a good word than everyone around me. I found this site was a blessing because I was not an alien and their were people who felt as I did. Then I went into the split mode, with one foot in life and the other on the side of results of trauma. I found myself angry and frustrated because I felt like the "others" didn't get it and I couldn't quite get it.

Now I find myself on the human side and don't judge anyone else, because we are all here trying our best to survive and thrive in this thing called life. No one gets through unscathed as we don't know who is battling an illness, the loss of a child, who grew up in an abusive home, who's spouse is abusing or using, or so many other things. It took a while to learn who I was and honestly it changes, but I found that all people change over the course of their life. I don't just give away trust and it is earned over time, but I allow myself to let friendships and relationships to develop slowly.

Oh, I talk to my pets probably more than I do people, but that OK as that is now a part of who I am. Allow yourself time and get to know who you are. As you start to engage with other people, I found they were like a present. The wrapping on the outside might be really generic, but the real gift was on the inside when we were at that place when we could share who we really are.

 

[whiteraven]

Stepford Wives. LOL OMG. So true...

 

[whiteraven]

Thank you, @intothelight.

I am feeling much more a part of the world today. It started on Friday. Like a switch was turned on (or off, as it were). Maybe my meds finally kicked in (started Effexor XR for the second time, 8 weeks ago) - I don't know. Wouldn't normally say so, but this was so abrupt a change.
As I think back, I may have noticed very slight changes a week or two ago, nothing spectacular, but less intensity in my reactions to people (or maybe fewer; I was still having angry outbursts) and not crying as much. But Friday I felt much better and with much more energy. Not *good* but not bad. Not that "please don't make me get out of bed" bad or "I can't possibly walk up these stairs" bad.

First time in almost 4 years. We'll see...

 

[AnotherUser]

I am having some interesting experiences in this period in 'staying in the moment'. The point of these early exercises (I am right at the start of it all) is to engage with the body, so I am practicing for many hours a day - and all the time I am out as well.

The point of this body observation is not to explore feelings or to change one's perception of the world or how you fit into it (or feel that you don't, as I have always felt); but rather to non-judgmentally observe and in some way make note of how your body sensations change as you go through your day. And these things you'll discuss later with your T.

So it is about observing yourself, not the environment. But your perception of the environment does change with this practice - you look around you, having now spent many hours in the present moment instead of reliving the past or worrying about the future, and see the people around you differently; that in some way, we're all in the same boat. It's a feeling of connectedness.

Staying in the present moment is not unique to this technique in sensorimotor psychotherapy (you could find the same technique in almost any religion and any form of meditation); nor is the point of it to make you feel better today, or to give you that good feeling of being part of society. The point of it is to re-establish the healthy boundaries and limits that were broken by the trauma.

But I can tell you, that side effect of 'withness' in the world is very welcome. While you experience it, it's like breaking through the human condition of isolation, and really understanding the irony that being alone unites us all (!)

The point of it is to re-establish the healthy boundaries and limits that were broken by the trauma.

I should add, if I didn't make it clear, that this process is usually a very long one, since you're tackling self-destructive cycles that you may have been using for years or even (in my case) decades. And that this is one of the earliest exercises in that process, and not intended to solve the feeling of alienation that this thread is about. Rather it's an early step towards the goal of re-integration.

 

[whiteraven]

Thank you, @AnotherUser. Yes, I'm familiar with this practice but I have not been actively doing it. At least not on a regular basis. Thanks for the reminder.

One of the issues I've been having is being able to do anything - including practicing any sort of mindfulness/present moment/awareness practice - on a regular or sustained basis. If I could do that, I'd actually be in pretty good shape. But I don't have the focus or concentration or something for it.

 

[littleoc]

I was searching with Google with, “syndrome
where you feel inhuman” and happened to find you

I’ll let you know if I find anything else? @Sietz told me I wasn’t alone, so I’m really on the hunt for information. It’s so uncomfortable.

So far, have found plenty of psychic forums claiming we’re from somewhere “else.” Not sure I’m special personally, lol. Looking for something else.

Damn, it feels, so, so nice to know I’m not alone. I thought I had been brainwashed beyond repair, had too much brain damage, should be deeply ashamed of my obvious insanity...

This site really surprises me all the time with the kind of helpful stuff I pick up

Anyway, thank you for posting this, @whiteraven

 

[whiteraven]

I had completely forgotten about this thread. Thanks @ladee for commenting; it felt good to read it through again. Sometimes I totally wish I could wholeheartedly believe the whole "we're from somewhere else." I think it would make navigating this world a lot easier.

 

[shatter eyes]

I read about Indigo and Crystal children that would feel this way because they are not humans. They are very sensitive beings.

I am a spiritual soul having a human experiencd. Also having aspergers makes me feel not human. Humans seem to be very strange. Greetings earthlings.....

I am an indigo.

 

[littleoc]

What do you mean by Indigo? I’ve seen the term used really frequently on not-sciencey forums. Especially psychic/supernatural ones. I never figured out what it meant though.

Research on my part may take a few weeks. Having trouble locating much. Found something on the brain scans of schizophrenic people who felt that their bodies were being controlled by aliens. There was a disconnect between their voluntary movements and some part of their brain. I didn’t think it was perfectly relevant to this...? But it was really interesting. It sounds uncomfortable too