NovemberStar
Platinum Member
I haven't been on here in ages - months and months. But I came back to say 'hi' and to give a positive update.
Long story short: (but still long )
Experienced multiple and long-lasting childhood traumas (physical, sexual, emotional abuse; witnessed the sudden death of my abuser - my mother). Spent the first half of my life struggling with severe depression, anxiety, and PTSD symptoms. Was further traumatised by the 'care' and 'treatment' of mental health professionals.
But I got better. I had extensive therapy, stopped drinking, attended AA and OA meetings (I had anorexia and bulimia). I spent the Millenium in a drug and alcohol rehab. I recovered. I lived a fully functional life, and achieved things I'd never imagined I would be able to do. I got a degree at Uni, then a seocnd degree in health, and became a registered health professional, responsible for the lives of others.
Over a decade of living a life I could only ever have dreamed about, I experienced further prolonged and repeated trauma, via the way of 2 years of earthquakes and aftershocks. The first quake was a 7.1 - no one was killed but there was a lot of damage. Aftershocks continued on a daily basis, dozens of them were size 5 or more, and all of them were very shallow (10kms 'deep'). Every rumble / noise like a rumble, meant running for the nearest doorway. Everyone was affected - a city full of traumatised people. The message from psychologists and mental health proffesionals was that the trauma symptoms everyone was experiencing (PTSD ones) were normal responses, but if they continued for weeks, to seek help. Problem was though, the ongoing aftershocks and quakes didn't stop long enough for anyone to meet the criteria of PTSD - aftershocks continued for over 2 years - it took months and months to go one whole day with the the ground shaking.
But it was the second major quake that triggered PTSD for me. It was a 'smaller' 6.3, that killed nearly 200 people; some were alive and trapped in a burning building for 2 days before they died, as rescuers were not able to reach them. Other has to have their limbs amputated - without medical supplies) while stil trapped in buildings. The aftershocks continued. A "rare sequence" not seen elsewhere in the world. For every major quake, we would get 200 aftershocks, in just the first 24 hours. The city was on curfew, having to boil water, shortage of clean water, petrol queues, and army tanks rolling down the city streets. It was like living in a war zone; living with an invisible sniper - you never knew one second to the next, if another one would hit and kill you, trap you, injure you.
EVERYONE had an 'escape plan' for every building they entered. The 'new norm' was to automatically scan every shop / building / house you were about to enter - for signs of quake damage (assessing how safe the building might be), as we'll a small 'way out' if it collapsed. No one parked in car park buildings - some people had been crushed to death in their cars in the fatal quake. Driving past cars that have been pancaked into knee-height metal trash, and seeing the paint sprayed signs indicating a body had been there - enough said. Things like that stick in your mind forever. Even seemingly benign things - seeing the army helicopters - hearing the distinctive sound of their blades rotating - flying overhead.... Every time one went over I knew it contained dead bodies, bodies being taken to the army base just outside of the city. It was in the early days, when the death toll long was still being tallied. No one needed to be told that if the helicopters flew over a lot that afternoon, the next big media update would report another rise in the number of people known to be killed.
all of it - the widespread sense of horror and fear, triggered PTSD. Mainly childhood abuse memories. The unpredicted, violent nature of the quakes and living in daily, never ending fear and horror was EXACTLY how it was growing up with a violent, unpredictable alocholic mother. Depression, anxiety, and two major relapses into anorexia and bulimia. I lost so much weight I had to be re-fed in hospital twice. While I don't have PTSD from the eating disorder relapses, I am plagued by intrusive memories of that time, and I really did think I was going to die when it happened. I lost my job for 3 months as I was suspended for health reasons. Financially, I nearly lost it all - $40,000 in lost earnings. I came very close to losing my house, all the while trying to recover from anorexia and the hellish PTSD.
It's coming up 5 years of the anniversary of the fatal quake - the day my life changed forever.
But, I am now in a place I never thought I'd be again - im HAPPY, I feel GREAT, and best of all - I'm FREE of the PTSD again .
The past few months things have become 'normal' again. I am no longer plagued with the depression, and I can't remember the last time I had flashbacks. I do on occasions have anxiety - it goes form zero to one hundred, but I have finally worked out how to use PRN meds to cope with it when it gets to a boiling point where, in the past, I'd be stuck in it for days.
I made some huge life changing decisions in the last few months, and each one has improved my life for the bette, enabling me to move from strength to strength and build my confidence as well as reduce the PTSD Symotoms. Starting Zyban wa the first huge thing. I think my last thread on here was about the risks of commencing it (contraindicated in people with current or past eating disorders, and off licence for the treatment of mood disorders where I live). That helped my mood stabilise - the worst of the depression moved away (I'm still on a cocktails of meds and it took a few years to get the right mix).
I changed how I work. My work colleagues added to my stress levels x a thousand. It was a very toxic environment, and leaving reduced a lot of the stres immediately. I left self employment and looked for employed work. The local hospital however had other ideas. They didn't even give me an interview, saying I "didn't have enough experience" - my almost decade wasn't enough experience but newly qualified practitioners got the same jobs I applied for. I kept applying, kept getting the run around. (Everyone I know, knows like I do, it was blatant discrimination (anorexia is a like having a giant lit sign above your head screaming 'mentally ill'). But I didn't give up. I applied for jos elsewhere, and got the first one I applied for. It's meant selling my house, buying another, moving cities, and in 3 weeks time I start my new job.
I'm going from being on call 24/7, with only every other weekend off call, to working just 4 days a week - shift work - but only ever 8 hours a day (my old job, not uncommon to work 24 hours straight! And STILL be on call after that!). I wil RELISH having the extra time for ME. Now I'm well, I have the ENERGY and drive to do things and enjoy them. I can't wait to start a new verge garden, to walk and bike to work (much smaller city means I can walk / ride everywhere). The city I'm moving too is renound for its great weather and outdoor activities - nItonal parks and stunning scenery - I can't wait!
I'm moving from a city devastated and in the very slow, painful process of recovery and rebuilding. I will be leaving a city that will never look like it wasn't, or BE like it was when I arrived here 10 years ago. A part of my heart will always be left there. It's not possible to go through the past few years with all that happened becasue of the quakes - a shared experince with half a million other people, and not have a piece of you left there forever.
Best bit? Ironic perhaps - but the very first day of my new job in my new city in my 'new' life - will be 5 years to the date of the fatal quake
.. .............
I've often seen it shared on here "there is no cure for PTSD!!" and I've always argued that - there might not be a 'cure' - but nor is there a 'cure' for cancer - but thousands and thousands of people go into remission, and many won't ever be ridden with cancer again.
It CAN be the same for PTSD. I'm not saying I won't ever have symptoms again, or never have another relapse - but last time I recovered I experienced a decade of 'normal' life and one in which I LOVED life, and was able to live it to the fullest.
It might be that I don't go through another major trauma, and therefore remain free of it. Or it could be something smaller triggers it back someday. But if I got a decade last time of happy living, then I know it can happen again.
I'm just SO SO SO grateful, to be back in a place I honestly thought would never happen again.
Don't give up - hold on, keep trying all and everything to find what works for you too. Sure, no 'cure' but it IS possible to recover
Long story short: (but still long )
Experienced multiple and long-lasting childhood traumas (physical, sexual, emotional abuse; witnessed the sudden death of my abuser - my mother). Spent the first half of my life struggling with severe depression, anxiety, and PTSD symptoms. Was further traumatised by the 'care' and 'treatment' of mental health professionals.
But I got better. I had extensive therapy, stopped drinking, attended AA and OA meetings (I had anorexia and bulimia). I spent the Millenium in a drug and alcohol rehab. I recovered. I lived a fully functional life, and achieved things I'd never imagined I would be able to do. I got a degree at Uni, then a seocnd degree in health, and became a registered health professional, responsible for the lives of others.
Over a decade of living a life I could only ever have dreamed about, I experienced further prolonged and repeated trauma, via the way of 2 years of earthquakes and aftershocks. The first quake was a 7.1 - no one was killed but there was a lot of damage. Aftershocks continued on a daily basis, dozens of them were size 5 or more, and all of them were very shallow (10kms 'deep'). Every rumble / noise like a rumble, meant running for the nearest doorway. Everyone was affected - a city full of traumatised people. The message from psychologists and mental health proffesionals was that the trauma symptoms everyone was experiencing (PTSD ones) were normal responses, but if they continued for weeks, to seek help. Problem was though, the ongoing aftershocks and quakes didn't stop long enough for anyone to meet the criteria of PTSD - aftershocks continued for over 2 years - it took months and months to go one whole day with the the ground shaking.
But it was the second major quake that triggered PTSD for me. It was a 'smaller' 6.3, that killed nearly 200 people; some were alive and trapped in a burning building for 2 days before they died, as rescuers were not able to reach them. Other has to have their limbs amputated - without medical supplies) while stil trapped in buildings. The aftershocks continued. A "rare sequence" not seen elsewhere in the world. For every major quake, we would get 200 aftershocks, in just the first 24 hours. The city was on curfew, having to boil water, shortage of clean water, petrol queues, and army tanks rolling down the city streets. It was like living in a war zone; living with an invisible sniper - you never knew one second to the next, if another one would hit and kill you, trap you, injure you.
EVERYONE had an 'escape plan' for every building they entered. The 'new norm' was to automatically scan every shop / building / house you were about to enter - for signs of quake damage (assessing how safe the building might be), as we'll a small 'way out' if it collapsed. No one parked in car park buildings - some people had been crushed to death in their cars in the fatal quake. Driving past cars that have been pancaked into knee-height metal trash, and seeing the paint sprayed signs indicating a body had been there - enough said. Things like that stick in your mind forever. Even seemingly benign things - seeing the army helicopters - hearing the distinctive sound of their blades rotating - flying overhead.... Every time one went over I knew it contained dead bodies, bodies being taken to the army base just outside of the city. It was in the early days, when the death toll long was still being tallied. No one needed to be told that if the helicopters flew over a lot that afternoon, the next big media update would report another rise in the number of people known to be killed.
all of it - the widespread sense of horror and fear, triggered PTSD. Mainly childhood abuse memories. The unpredicted, violent nature of the quakes and living in daily, never ending fear and horror was EXACTLY how it was growing up with a violent, unpredictable alocholic mother. Depression, anxiety, and two major relapses into anorexia and bulimia. I lost so much weight I had to be re-fed in hospital twice. While I don't have PTSD from the eating disorder relapses, I am plagued by intrusive memories of that time, and I really did think I was going to die when it happened. I lost my job for 3 months as I was suspended for health reasons. Financially, I nearly lost it all - $40,000 in lost earnings. I came very close to losing my house, all the while trying to recover from anorexia and the hellish PTSD.
It's coming up 5 years of the anniversary of the fatal quake - the day my life changed forever.
But, I am now in a place I never thought I'd be again - im HAPPY, I feel GREAT, and best of all - I'm FREE of the PTSD again .
The past few months things have become 'normal' again. I am no longer plagued with the depression, and I can't remember the last time I had flashbacks. I do on occasions have anxiety - it goes form zero to one hundred, but I have finally worked out how to use PRN meds to cope with it when it gets to a boiling point where, in the past, I'd be stuck in it for days.
I made some huge life changing decisions in the last few months, and each one has improved my life for the bette, enabling me to move from strength to strength and build my confidence as well as reduce the PTSD Symotoms. Starting Zyban wa the first huge thing. I think my last thread on here was about the risks of commencing it (contraindicated in people with current or past eating disorders, and off licence for the treatment of mood disorders where I live). That helped my mood stabilise - the worst of the depression moved away (I'm still on a cocktails of meds and it took a few years to get the right mix).
I changed how I work. My work colleagues added to my stress levels x a thousand. It was a very toxic environment, and leaving reduced a lot of the stres immediately. I left self employment and looked for employed work. The local hospital however had other ideas. They didn't even give me an interview, saying I "didn't have enough experience" - my almost decade wasn't enough experience but newly qualified practitioners got the same jobs I applied for. I kept applying, kept getting the run around. (Everyone I know, knows like I do, it was blatant discrimination (anorexia is a like having a giant lit sign above your head screaming 'mentally ill'). But I didn't give up. I applied for jos elsewhere, and got the first one I applied for. It's meant selling my house, buying another, moving cities, and in 3 weeks time I start my new job.
I'm going from being on call 24/7, with only every other weekend off call, to working just 4 days a week - shift work - but only ever 8 hours a day (my old job, not uncommon to work 24 hours straight! And STILL be on call after that!). I wil RELISH having the extra time for ME. Now I'm well, I have the ENERGY and drive to do things and enjoy them. I can't wait to start a new verge garden, to walk and bike to work (much smaller city means I can walk / ride everywhere). The city I'm moving too is renound for its great weather and outdoor activities - nItonal parks and stunning scenery - I can't wait!
I'm moving from a city devastated and in the very slow, painful process of recovery and rebuilding. I will be leaving a city that will never look like it wasn't, or BE like it was when I arrived here 10 years ago. A part of my heart will always be left there. It's not possible to go through the past few years with all that happened becasue of the quakes - a shared experince with half a million other people, and not have a piece of you left there forever.
Best bit? Ironic perhaps - but the very first day of my new job in my new city in my 'new' life - will be 5 years to the date of the fatal quake
.. .............
I've often seen it shared on here "there is no cure for PTSD!!" and I've always argued that - there might not be a 'cure' - but nor is there a 'cure' for cancer - but thousands and thousands of people go into remission, and many won't ever be ridden with cancer again.
It CAN be the same for PTSD. I'm not saying I won't ever have symptoms again, or never have another relapse - but last time I recovered I experienced a decade of 'normal' life and one in which I LOVED life, and was able to live it to the fullest.
It might be that I don't go through another major trauma, and therefore remain free of it. Or it could be something smaller triggers it back someday. But if I got a decade last time of happy living, then I know it can happen again.
I'm just SO SO SO grateful, to be back in a place I honestly thought would never happen again.
Don't give up - hold on, keep trying all and everything to find what works for you too. Sure, no 'cure' but it IS possible to recover
