Josephine, you must feel beyond consolation. I am so sorry for your losses. Death is still a 'taboo' subject in our society though it is all around us from disease, accident, plain stupidity to natural disaster. You have had unforseeable and unpredictable death in your own family and were helpless to stop what transpired. That someone should kill your family whilst drunk and driving on roads we all use, well let me say, "There but for the grace of God go I". As for your mother, it's hard to accept that even the best medical treatment will not always save lives. Little wonder you don't know how to deal with so many family deaths in such a short period of time.The burden of grief must be enormous and on its own would take a staggering toll on your emotional resilience
Previous forum members have suggested finding expert assistance and I totally agree that you should do so. You will find if you start reading on this forum, as I have found, many stories and helpful contributions, which may assist on your journey. As you must be acutely aware, you are on a journey now, without people whom you thought would be with you. That is tragic too but, remember,you can decide to be strong and though difficult, adjust amd keep living even if it is different from what you undoubtedly planned. If I assume you do have PTSD for the rest of my response, these are my feelings and suggestions. I also assume there was no pre existing mental health issue you were dealing with before this terrible tragedy came upon you, if there is then it, along with grief and PTSD and their impact on you makes matters more complex, so if you decide to seek help tell them you full history, it can assist with medication and treatment profoundly.
In truth, I believe that not knowing how to deal with your family deaths is completely understandable and if you wrote you were "fine", then I would be really worried. You have mentioned specific symptoms such as'flashbacks', feeling 'detached from myself', you 'not been myself' along with feeling "so disconnected from everyone" and "developing fears (riding in a car, leaving the house, going to church”) and lastly "I feel like I am walking around with my insides hanging out and no one notices!"
Obviously there is no need to investigate why these symptoms are occurring in my response to your Post because a expert on PTSD can "drill down" identify and treat these symptoms. But it is very concerning they are beginning to affect you life adversely in how you feel about yourself emotionally, physically and curtailing your normal activities such as being in a car, leaving the house and going to church. Developing phobis is in my opinion, a flag that you should act soon.
One year is not long in terms of grief and I believe nobody should tell you otherwise. I do know, though time will go by, time alone and of itself, does not heal anything, especially the healing that I feel you may desperately need.
Flashbacks are a phenomina of PTSD and you had visual, tactile and audible stimulation during the course of the evemts you described. I think that something is triggering them and with help you will work out what they are. If you don't or, have multiple triggers as in my case, with time, self help and treatment you can reduce their impact. You may not be able to bannish them but you can learn what to expect and develop a plan for when they do intrude into your thinking.
You write of being detached from yourelf. I too have experienced that sensation and after 13 years it comes and goes.I go through phases where I am feeling like I am not feeling anything, no joy, no sorrow, flat and detached from things I would perhaps engage in and I found what you call Not been myself another example of this behaviour and ultimately if I am spiralling down, I detach or remove myself completely untill I can face the world again. Multiple triggers again will start this process for me but, my husband and son have accepted as long as I am safe, taking my medications and do not go manic, then they give me space.
I really would rather someone caste out this other me, this new me, and give me back the old one. But, it is PTSD and it is not to be. Be assured the world does not stop spinning when these 'states of mind' come, so if you have a partner inform him and make sure your obigations, whatever they may be, are dealt with appropriately while you patch yourself up and please tell your PTSD doctor of these feelings.
For me, I could not work out how the rest of the world just went on revolving when I was paralysed with grief and pain and to add insult to injury, told (by people who supposedly 'cared') that my time for grieving or other feelings was up. As if I had crossed an invisible line when I must get back up and start kicking "goals" again. My insides were hanging out too and in a effort to help me, they gave dangerous advice. The other reason you become disconnected is people (in general) do not know how to cope with death and personal pain so (as once happened to me) an entire visit by a close friend revolved around a geranium, God forbid a word is spoken of feelings and loss. Ooops said the wrong words and its 'see you later then, no I just remembered I had something really important to do'.You might find the solitude after a while a relief alternatively, as in my case, I became seethingly angry that I was left alone to 'deal' with my losses. I resented the fact that I had changed and would never be the old me again and my anger and grief was razor sharp, I became more and more ill, oh yes my insides were hanging out, my heart and head were broken and I began a journey of survival with an unwelcome guest, PTSD.
Josephine, go and find a good GP and or, a good doctor/counsellor in terms of PTSD. Depending on where you live they may be thin on the ground. But do it soon.
Kind regards
Blackemeral1
