Sexual Assault Don't Take This The Wrong Way But . . .

[ghotiff]

. It makes me feel more okay with my thoughts instead of simply disgusted with myself.

This itself (on some of my more confusing and unpleasant thoughts) has made a big difference to how I react to them and then with this new found peace, later their impact seems to reduce.

I'm glad this thread has helped you.

 

[Lionheart]

I used to seek out people and situations that were recreations of the original abuse trauma and when I talked to the experts they told me I had " abuse specific repetition compulsion" which means I felt compelled to relive the original abuse over and over again in an effort to understand it and to have some control over it.

If I abandoned myself to it then no one could take my will away again....., but I was exposing myself to high risk sexual situations and didn't realize at first, the way I was mistreating myself, because I did get some enjoyment from it, (which was sexual stimulation).

I had sex confused with love and affection and repeating the abuse always left me feeling bad about myself and yet I would crave the activity...it was called a "process addiction," I felt very confused about it but felt some control over the original trauma.

I had to learn what love and healthy sexual activity was and pursue that instead and as a result my self-esteem improved, but most of all I was safe from abusing myself again and again.

I think your reaction to the abuse is "normal" and you will get through this with the right help and assistance. I hope something I have said will ring a bell and be helpful for you...Don't beat yourself up for having these thoughts and feelings, you are trying to understand the trauma, have some control over it and find some enjoyment in your life and I hope this now makes better sense to you.

Just remember...just because you have these feelings doesn't mean you have to act on them, There are healthier ways of getting what you want and need.

My best to you,
Lion

 

[finding_my_way]

Lion, what you said is very helpful. A process addiction - now it makes more sense. That may even help me explain what I mean to T.

Ghotiff, you are so right about the relief of feeling normal. Thanks for your input.