Dont Understand It Myself.

[nomedic1]

I dont know if this is even the right section to post this in but anyway. I seem to put my foot in it on a regular basis and I can't seem to stop myself. I have dragged my family from one end of the world to the other trying to hunt down a job were I can redeem myself (see my introduction) this has had me working in high trauma situations for the last 17 years. I now am working in relatively normal job and my brain is messing with me, the dreams are back the anger at stupid things and the hypervigilence in situations not at all necessary for example, I have a thing about people moving fast into peripheral vision and my collegues thinks its very funny when i spill a whole cup of coffee when one of them pops into the kitchen area unexpectedly.I applied for a job in afghanistan and my wife said if I went she would take my kids and go. I have tried to explain the situation but I don't understand much of it myself, I feel so lost at the moment its scary, I dont want to lose my family and I dont want to lose myself. WHAT DO I DO. this thread doesnt even make sense anyway.

 

[Jimmy1]

It makes a lot of sense mate, but with the right therapy and time, it does get better.
I am still jumpy when not expecting something; however, I actually laugh about it now.
My son even tries to sneak up on me to scare the crap out of me. But that has taken time and he knows when its ok to do it. If I was in a bad mood he would not even try. There was once a time that he would make a noise before walking around a corner of the house, but that is past.
As to trying to redeem yourself for whats in the past, well mate, I think its exactly that.
There is two quotes I like:

Yesterday is History, Tomorrow is a Mystery, and Today is a Gift. and

You can't change the past and worrying about the future will only ruin the present.

I cannot possibly know what experiences you have been through, or what nightmares you experience, but I do know this. You cannot change what has happened no matter what you do.
You have to learn to forgive yourself and get moving with life. Living with PTSD is hard enough with a family.

We are here for you mate, and this is just my opinion.

Jimmy

 

[Toria]

Hello - if it helps at all, you are not the only one. My husband jumps at the slightest thing - we had a small earthquake last night (yes really!) and it was like the end of the world for him. He wants to know what every noise is around the house, even if he's heard it a thousand times before - the shower next door, a car outside or the fire settling in the grate. I regularly catch him by surprise (accidentally) and we've managed to turn it in to a bit of a joke - but only after six years for trying.

As for your family, I'm no expert because if I was I wouldn't need help from others on here ;o) but it sounds as if your wife does not understand what has happened in your past and how you are using your job to cope with that in the present. Does she know what happened? On the flip side, you have to understand that she probably fears for your safety in Afghanistan and that threatening to take your children away is the strongest (and possibly the only) bargaining tool that she has.

I'm sure that you must have saved countless lives as a Medic - try to remember all those people and how grateful their families must be to you. Do things like that help? Thinking of you

 

[nomedic1]

Thanks Jimmy,

I think the biggest problem is I have been hiding from this for so long, i dealt with the dreams and fears, I was able to brick them up and make excuses when they escaped every once in a while. What you say is true I can't change the past but logic doesn't seem to work with my brain at the moment. I judge myself on every patient I treat and feel I am being judged by others, I feel i can never reach that 100% because I killed, its not logical and i know that but that feeling still there.

Thanks for the words of support, I really appreciate it

 

[nomedic1]

Hi Uk Wife- I told my wife about the incident about a year after it happened, at the time she didnt ask for any more details and she was happy to continue as normal, as I had things under control i knew i could control my symptoms by putting everything into saving every patient. When I started unravelling about four months ago I wrote her a letter explaining in depth what I could not put in words, She believes I want to "commit suicide by service". That I have been looking for that oppurtunity all these years in the work environment and now by trying to get to Afghanistan. Unfortunately the saved patients dont seem to count I just seem to keep tally of those I couldnt save, I realise that is sad I should celebrate those saved lives I do in the moment but my brain tells me I have no right to do that.

 

[Jimmy1]

Nomedic, I was thinking about you last night.

You have an aweful lot of guilt and shame built up inside. You have to turn that guilt into regret.
It worked for me after a while, although I still carry a little bit of guilt and shame for some things that I have done.

Try it mate, its only a change of words, but its powerful.

So rather than being ashamed of shooting someone or feeling guilty, regret doing it.

Jimmy