Dreading My Son's Wedding

[KwanYingirl]

This is probably just a big huge venting post because I am depressed and feel sorry for myself (truth be told).

I have a rich trauma history that began in childhood sexual abuse and terrorizing, then got strangled and left for dead at 21, then fled to England to get away from my fear and got drugged and kidnapped, but got away before I got raped or whatever he had planned for me. Mugged in Athens, chased at the statue of David in Florence. Capped off by being so poisoned by darkroom chemicals at work that left me permanently disabled with Multiple Chemical Sensitivity, asthma, brain damage, no balance, cannot walk in a straight line and of course the massive effects of PTSD all this shit has left me with to survive.

I cannot live in a world of chemical fumes. I live in solitude. I have a network of other medical people with the same chemical exposure but none of them have abuse and violence histories. I have this forum to help me with my PTSD but if you don't suffer from MCS, well, words cannot describe how horrible it is to be exposed to fumes from any chemical.

About the worst experience I have had with it is flying. Jet fuel fumes are so pervasive, I don't ever go to airports. I get so sick it takes me weeks to recover. I wear a charcoal mask and am allowed preferred seating so I can sit up front where the fumes are the least.

My beloved son is engaged and they are planning a destination wedding on Curacao off the coast of Venuzuela. There are SEVEN chlorine pools at the resort which will be unbearable. Not to mention al the pesticides they use in the tropics to rid the resort of insects and mold. No, it is definitely NOT paradise for me.

And then a plane crashed today in France. In the Alps. Well, that was the last straw for me. My depression just dug in to a new low. I just have to be at my sons wedding. He had a difficult adolescence due to dyslexia and he overcame all his demons and is living a full and happy life with a wonderful woman. Somehow I have to get there. It has to be a plane. I will be sick and may end up in the hospital depending on how much pesticides there are. Then I have to drive from Boston back to Maine but I'll probably be dead by then so why worry? Some of the flights with layovers make it a 19 hour journey. I think I'd survive if I could get to Miami nonstop then a short layover and another 4 hour flight to Curacao.

My doctor won't give me extra Geodon or Xanax I'll have to make do with my measly 1mg of Xanax.

Oy vey, can I call in sick???

 

[Recovery4Me]

Can you take AmTrack or the bus and relax to get to the plane?
http://www.amtrak.com/home

You used to be able to have a wine at the bar on the way there and even take your car along if you desired. Just a thought...may not be a good one.:hug:

Congrats on your son's wedding btw!!!:)

 

[Changing4Best]

I have a dear friend who has been bedridden for at least ten years due to having been exposed to a pesticide. So I feel for you. I know how she suffers.

Weddings are not my favorite events, in fact I hate them and actually my hubby and I went to the Justice of the Peace to be married. I stay away from weddings and funerals at all costs. So in my opinion, sure, you can call in sick! Why not. You have every reason to stay away. I would think that you would be excused even if you are the groom's mother. Can you explain to your future daughter in law that your illness prevents you? Would your son understand? I should think he would, knowing your condition.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Thank you for that validation @SheilaKathy i am sorry about your friend. It is awful. Well, of course I could not go, but after all his heartaches with his trouble reading, I want to be a part of his joy. He would be very sad if I weren't there.

@Recovery4Me goid idea! I could take the train to Boston right from the next town!! Still have to fly to the Caribbean. Also, I don't drink as I'm a recovering alcoholic. Plus, the liver turns ETOH into formaldehyde which I am allergic to.

Today my therapist tried to calm my nerves. I am so depressed that I can't live in society like most people can. Who wouldn't want to play in paradise?? This is just my pity party and will get me nowhere. I'm sorry to dump on you all. If I can just get there the shortest time then I can go to the beach and enjoy the bright blue ocean. And of course, the wedding which I am dreading. Ack!!

 

[shrinkingviolet]

Isn't that what we are here for? To listen to one another and vent when needed. I cannot imagine what you go through on a daily basis but to be willing to be subjected to more toxins that will hurt you for the sake of your son's happiness? You are the epitome of a good Mom, willing to sacrifice for your son. He is definitely one lucky young man. :)

 

[KwanYingirl]

Thank you @shrinkingviolet that is very kind of you. I had to move mountains to help him get the right schools that knew how to teach dyslexics to read. He and I go way back!!

 

[The Albatross]

Don't try to go if you don't want to. OR form a plan of maintenance while you attend and try it.

 

[The Albatross]

I will say though that here is the states commercial pools are measured in parts per MILLION. My indoor pool for instance was 2 to 5 parts per million using liquid industrial grade chlorine which turns into a gas. Outdoor pools liquid is not indicated due to quick evaporation and because of exposure to the sun... dry chemical is not as strong... and still comes in at usually 3 to 10 parts per million but it's at 66%. There are though additives that "hold" the active chlorine into the water... dry ingredients become liquid but do not go to gas unless there are chloramines present. When some organic matter bonds with a chlorine molecule and not enough active ingredient is present to burn up the matter.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@The Albatross in my heart of hearts I want to go. I just wish I could be in a protective bubble to get there!! There may be some elixir like lemons or something to neutralize the alkalinity. I'll be seeing my Environmental doctor in Boston to make a plan if possible. If he tells me not to fly, I won't go. Boohoo...

 

[The Albatross]

Just don't go back to picking your feet?

 

[KwanYingirl]

Yes!!!! Doing great not picking!!!

 

[Senecia]

What a predicament. It seems that it would be really stressful to fly over and deal with chemical exposure. I'm sure that if you decided not to go, your son would understand even though it would be sad. From what you've said, you've been there for him all along, a great mother! Listening to your body doesn't take away from that.. :hug: I hope everything works out smoothly.