Drunk, Story Revealed...

[The Albatross]

"Drinking feels safe." (Even though I understand them) Oh how I hate those three words the middle one in particular. Stop the drinking your feeding the beast and the cycle.

 

[Chava]

I know.

 

[The Albatross]

Chava? You're no novice in sobriety... please allow someone from a recovery group to assist you?

 

[Chava]

Yes, but she thinks my trauma stuff is first...I mean, before working steps again. I need to get grounded. But she's meeting with me and I'm going to meetings. And I'm supposed to call if I want to drink. It hits me fast. But I noticed yesterday I had moved this rope I tie around my hand (grounding) up my arm. For me, that could be a hint....more grounding/containing now, or call someone. I don't sense this stuff well so hopefully the rope thing can be a better barometer. Oddly it helps a lot to tie it tight around my hand in the evening. Keeps me present, contained in my body somehow.

 

[Flossy]

@Chava Have you tried Wellbutrin/Zyban? It is the med used to stop smoking. It is said to help with addiction. I guess alcohol addiction could be helped by it, I do not know. I do know it works differently from the other SSRI's and SNRI's.

It works on Dopamine which is the hormone that makes us feel satisfied.

Worth consideration or a little research when you feel up to it.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I'm so sorry that you are in so much pain. Sucks, I know. I understand about wanting to drink - it gives me the illusion of emotional accessibility while simultaneously dulling the emotions I just can't handle.

Would you consider a partial-day program? I actually just had one recommended for me, as a potential way to do lots of processing fast in a really safe environment. It actually is specific for women who have CSA histories and is a trauma program. I don't know where in the US you are, but I'll PM you the name of it.

Please take care. You are amazing and intelligent and resourceful and the world needs you to stay as healthy as you can.

EDIT - can't seem to message you directly - message me if you would want the name of the program? It's one of the best in the country and it also takes a bunch of subsidized insurances, FYI.

 

[Ellabella44]

Chava my days were like that too. journaling about traumas the most when so drunk I couldn't remember what I wrote next day. I got sick of being sick and hung over and tried to quit 7 times. Not till I ended up being suicidal did my drinking scare me enough to quit.

Go easy on yourself. If today isn't the day you try again, then make it tomorrow. Forgive yourself for relapses. This isn't easy. If this next try lasts longer than the last...you have progress ...you can make it longer next time.

The way I looked at it from the last night I drank was that every bottle is a way to let myself be hurt again by the people and circumstances that gave me cptsd. And they don't deserve to do that again to you do they? You own you. Not them. I haven't done aa, but some family support and not wanting anyone to beat me down are what keep me going.

Wishing you luck on your next try at this.
Don't let them win. Take care of yourself.

 

[Chava]

@theshadowoftheliving

gives me the illusion of emotional accessibility while simultaneously dulling the emotions I just can't handle.

Yes. It's a false sort of "safety" that I don't want to get into utilizing!! Definitely a bad choice for me. Thanks so much for your kind words @theshadowoftheliving . I'm not thinking extra help right now, but managing my evenings better to stay sober one evening at a time. Maybe a little extra therapy appointments and extra AA meetings. I've done treatment before. I don't think I'm at that point but I'm not opposed to the idea if I can't handle where I'm at (today feels okay, yesterday I managed).

Go easy on yourself. If today isn't the day you try again, then make it tomorrow. Forgive yourself for relapses. This isn't easy.

Thanks @Ellabella44 ...I know beating myself up can make going forward impossible. I've done okay looking at the drinking as an unhelpful choice and coming up with healthier options for evening (e-mailed those to my therapist yesterday)....just staying mindful and trying to notice what is going on in my body. A certain level of panic/anger (whatever it is...just very uncomfortable) comes up, it helps me to do some mindful exercises that let me use up some big muscles (resistance stuff, pushing, step machine on heavy resistance). If that doesn't settle and I start feeling more amped up or out of it, I need to call someone I trust in AA. Forgive myself for a shitty couple weeks, go forward more grounded....(one day at a time)

 

[Chava]

Not sure what happened there....meant to add @Flossy thanks for the suggestion. I have tried Wellbutrin...not a good med for me, but I know it's helpful for others (none of the main SSRIs, SNRIs, or NRIs work well for me at all).

 

[KwanYingirl]

Well @Chava it takes one to know one. No good will come from the booze. I totally disagree with whoever told you to stop therapy and just do AA. We drink because we're alcoholics. Plain and simple. You cannot do your inner work under the influence, yet ironically, it is your go to plan. Don't drink, go to meetings and ask for help. It's that easy. Certainly isn't what the booze says to you. It seduces you with its mind altering powers. But altered toward what? The light or the dark?

You seem to be a free radical whizzing through space and time looking for an atom to stick to. If all you accomplish today is not drink, then it's been a great day. You put so much pressure on yourself that you snapped. Let that girl settle. It's ok to live and not have it all figured out. Those awarenesses will come when you're ready for them.

Every day I want to rip my skin off. It's quite a compulsion for me, so I get it. Settling your nerves? I wish I knew how to help you with that. I personally don't like the term relapse because it suggests that we're cured and then the illness comes back. Hell, no, it never goes away. It's a daily process and the most natural thing for a drunk to do is to drink. So you picked up. Now you realize it didn't give you the comfort it promised you, the damn curse. I didn't get a chance to reply to your other thread about your mind darting from on thing to another and disappointed you struggle to develop a connection with people or concepts and have them be who you are. My advice is to stay sober and get a visit with a psychiatrist to talk about some meds to help you calm down. Its f*cking exhausting to reign in our thoughts and desires. PTSD is a disorder of mind, body and spirit. Are you trying to work on all three? Do you think you could stand doing some gentle yoga? It's f*cking irrational to expect to address these realms as separate from each other. Sick mind leads to sick body leads to diminished spirit. Imagine a soft gentle flow in each area and just notice without judging your thoughts. They are just thoughts and memories, but they aren't today or a true reflection of who you are. Maybe put the journal away for a bit. I can't tolerate writing my story, at least not today, but I've tried and it just triggers the shit out of me and I slide back down into the mayonnaise jar. Stay in touch. (Please)

 

[Friday]

Have you ever sought out Dual-Diagnosis treatment, @Chava? ((If you said so above, I missed it, and apologize.))

Alcoholism is a big bad serious thing.
PTSD is a big bad serious thing.

The danger with a lot of otherwise awesome support people in both worlds is thinking that their thing, is paramount.

Not when you've got both. Both issues need to be dealt with, without ignoring the other as less important. That's what DualDiagnosis is all about.

 

[Chava]

You seem to be a free radical whizzing through space and time looking for an atom to stick to.

Yes, that sounds about right!

If all you accomplish today is not drink, then it's been a great day.

Did not drink today.

Let that girl settle. It's ok to live and not have it all figured out.

Yes, too much was coming up at once (from noticing connection problems, to disorganization, to this). There's a point where recognition helps, but also where it's way too f*cking much to even manage. My therapist said it can be difficult to manage when stuff kind of all comes up at once, but once some part of the body-feeling-stuff comes online it can get a little crazy. She's emphasizing that settling, not trying to organize everything or fix it, but just get safe...whatever it is in the moment.

@FridayJones I've been in treatment for dual/triple diagnosis (alcoholism, PTSD, anorexia). The treatment was shit. But yes, I am an alcoholic. I was sober a long time. My meds have gotten me in a bad spot. I was NOT thinking about drinking at all. But new stuff with myself plus a sort of numbed out I-don;'t-give-a-shit feeling facilitated by an increased dose of a newer pain med + increasing my sleeping med on my own was a horrible idea. And I've drank some more since then (last month)...so need to stop before it all unravels.

I'm sticking with the AA people who won't question my therapy and need for really primal grounding and not working on the steps at this moment (but going to meetings and knowing who I can call for support). Some people mean to be helpful I realize, but just don't get it...