Duty not to detach

[Sandstone]

My lovely husband woke at 4am yesterday with chest pains and difficulty breathing. He's in his early 60s, with an extensive family history of heart problems including the death of his father, aged only 50.

After eight hours at the hospital we know that it wasn't a heart attack, although there were some abnormalities in his ECG, but he is to be investigated further by the cardiac team. Being the man he is, he went to work normally at 7am today.

At the time I was completely calm, but now the reaction is setting in I'm fighting a huge urge to run away from home, demonstrate that I am totally self sufficient and never to need or depend on anyone ever again. My dreams last night were all about bridges collapsing.

I'm posting this to discipline myself, and hold myself accountable. I must not isolate any more than I already have. I expect I should find some more emotions.

 

[joeylittle]

How's it going so far?

I must not isolate any more than I already have.

I'm sure you know this - so just think of it as a helpful reminder...Make sure you ask the follow-up question inherent to this thought - which is, "what can I do to connect, today?". Even if it's simply going to be things that you would have normally done - doesn't really matter, it's not about challenging yourself to be 100% non-isolating, it's simply about making sure you notice what your options are, and that when you've done them, you can notice that you've accomplished something.

 

[Sandstone]

urgh, it's proving difficult. Today I didn't even manage the last minute getting dressed before OH came home. How unfair to him is that? The hospital told him very firmly to take paracetamol rather than any other pain killer. I asked him to keep them at work, not at home, because I'm uncomfortable having them here. How unfair to him is that?

I'm focusing on looking normal and composed, but I actually want to run away and hide. I'm managing to appear unworriedly concerned for him, but it has no reality, it's all a lie. I can tell he is still bothered, as he has told his boss he won't do any ladder work this week (a good friend of his died a couple of years ago when he had a heart attack up a ladder). Meanwhile half my mind is running on places I could go where I have no connections, since people tend to vanish to known locations.

The only effort I'm making is to post here and to go to therapy tomorrow. I'm supposed to go to a family barbecue at the weekend. I've said I don't know if I can. I want to vanish.