Childhood Early Attachment Problems

[lostforgottensoul]

I think it comes down to attachment gets connected to pain, abandonment & neglect. Simple, but complicated.

I agree but im not adotped, unfortantly, and i usually say to people "you have to have gone through it to understand"...

 

[Tinyflame]

I am not adopted.

But yes, no one can really describe how it's been. I think we'll all take many things unsaid with us when we go.

 

[ms spock]

I think that a lot of stuff is being said here in this thread - these are universal experiences of attachment disorders and challenges.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I think that a lot of stuff is being said here in this thread - these are universal experiences of attachment disorders and challenges.

But embarrasing nonetheless, for me. Never thought id be simi-publicly admitting to this stuff and then, though my therapist knew of this and knew that though i hated it from 9 yr old on, at 18 i became addicted to porn (i HATE that fact) but we've never had full converations about it all until i posted it here.

He also knows of all the rituals i still self do; including the one that i dont feel comfortable enough yet to post here but probably will eventually. I told him at the end of a session so i didnt have to converse about it but he knows of it. Blah

 

[Chava]

An interesting overview of early trauma, attachment trauma, and how it is linked in with overall development (especially pre-age 5 and especially-especially first couple years due to the growth of the brain and working models of the world, basic trust, and relationships in these years).

"A child’s internal working models are defined by the internalization of the affective and cognitive characteristics of their primary relationships. Because early experiences occur in the context of a developing brain, neural development and social interaction are inextricably intertwined..."

(I assume it's the internal working models that are so effing hard to change...mine are a little bizarre and other-worldly sometimes, just not of the human world, especially under stress)

And this, SO much:

"children with insecure attachment patterns have trouble relying on others to help them, while unable to regulate their emotional states by themselves."

I think I've stayed with my present therapist for a few years, versus just a couple months then disappearing (like I do) because, along with understanding complex trauma, I believe she understands this particular gnarly challenge very well.

Here's the article:

http://www.traumacenter.org/products/pdf_files/preprint_dev_trauma_disorder.pdf

 

[lostforgottensoul]

"children with insecure attachment patterns have trouble relying on others to help them, while unable to regulate their emotional states by themselves."

I have huge trouble relying on others but you said before age 5, my abuse (as far as i know) didnt start until age 7, possibly 6, i cant remeber before that so it hets really fuzzy but my dad said we had a "good life" my brother and I when we were little.

The REALLY BAD cult stuff was fed to me slowly at age 9 but took off when my dad left at age 12. Formative yrs are pretty much done at age 7, so why do i have such a hard time attaching or connecting to someone without sex involved? I dont even want to with the person, its just automatic; what im supposed to do sort of thing.

 

[Chava]

@lostforgottensoul you talk about issues that are generally common with trauma. Given your family situation I'd wonder if there wasn't an unhealthy connection earlier than you remember, but that's generally what this post is about...issues related to attachment trauma or poor attachment, which happens generally at the very beginning of life. If someone has a good attachment, later traumas won't easily change their general attachment patterns (like you won't develop an attachment disorder if you were abused at age nine, but did not previously have an attachment disorder). But connection issues are common with all forms of trauma. This thread just happens to be about attachment issues (first months and years of life).

 

[The Albatross]

Just starting to wrap my head around the idea pf am attachment/bonding difficulty. Appreciate the topic. No comments for now... still doing self examination

 

[Stickler]

@lostforgottensoul regarding the sexual thoughts...look into the descriptions of intrusive thoughts.
They are an OCD feature. They are involuntary.
I have occasional OCD intrusive harm thoughts.
They are entirely involuntary, quite internally visual, and REALLY disturbing.

You *might* be having those.

I used to feel horribly guilty for mine. But they're just my brain playing up. I'm not going to do the horrible things I internally see myself doing. I try to mentally rivet them into a metal strongbox and then walk away.

 

[Deleted member 20978]

@lostforgottensoul Formative years don't stop at 7. It is true the stuff we grow up experiencing becomes pretty hard-wired but we also never stop growing. I've heard the term "reparenting" a lot and have questioned it and how to do it. All I know is some people swear they were able to do this and reprogram their childhood to a large degree. Seems easier said than done, but I have to believe it is possible.

 

[Tinyflame]

I can't get the file to open yet, but I look at it this way for myself: as an adult no matter what contributed, how I respond to others (& then they respond back, etc etc) is my responsibility. One thing I do think, is it's rarely if ever just one person's fault. Even our responses to one another affect change or reactions. Though yes, I wish I 'were' someone else, or better at 'life'. I don't think I had problems attaching per se as a child, but many one can attach to that were not stable.

I don't know, or feel, if any adult now could both be trusted & not let me down.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Given your family situation I'd wonder if there wasn't an unhealthy connection earlier than you remember,

Most likely as the earliest sexual abuse i can remember (age 6 or 7) i wasnt a virgin so someone had to have taken that. I HATE that i dont remeber being a virgin and who took it. How do i heal from what i dont remember? Also i dont remember my mom ever huging me when i was little or feeling safe. My das, from every piece of memory i have was always physically and emotionally absent and physically, mentally, and emotionally anusive which gave the man that layer became my step dad an in. He filled that daddy role. I remember tiny pieces earlier, like when i was 5, hiding in my big built in toy box. Hiding from what? My brother and i would play in it but i remeber hiding in it. My mom wasnt working back then. Also i remember just a tiny bit from that house but then we moved to another state; i remember nothing from then and the house when i saw a picture of it, i didnt know it was our house. Then at 6 or 7 where my memory picks up, we moved to the state i currently live it. So for about a yr and a half maybe 2 yrs, theres a hug hole. What happened there?

But see, this is so f*cking frustrating to me. While typing about age 6 or 7, the man that later became my step dad, whom had sex with me in the back of a van at my mom's job; my body automatically becomes aroused and I HATE THAT! It frustrates me, makes me sick and mad at myself....hate myself even more and its why i cant write details from start to finish about my past. I mean who gets aroused while thinking about their abuse as a child?

He later, 12 yrs old and into my teen yrs became what i call my "first love". He'd have "gentle sex" with me which i actually wanted and asked for, sometimes going to my parent's room for it. I hate myself for that too. He said god told him we were to be married and i actually felt oddly safe and loved. So f*cking confusing!

When he started around age 6 or 7, he'd tell me i was beautiful and he wanted to be my daddy and thats what daddys do. But thinking about those early yrs makes me aroused? Thats f*cking confusing too as its automatic. Its not like im wantint to; its confusing and make me so mad at myself!

I also dont get how at age 9yrs to18 when i moved out; i hated the porn but at 18 when i moved out became very addicted to it.

A lot about me is confusing to me.... :confused: