Emdr And Confusion..

[Lucycat]

I too was impressed that EMDR is so much faster than conventional (CBT) treatment for PTSD. But like you, after more than 3 years of EMDR I have realised that my understanding of the time frame was different to that of my therapist! I still think EMDR is very helpful and would advocate it, but as a client would never call it a quick fix.

Also like you, I have had some sessions when the memory is 'sorted'. At other times there is a residual bit of it needing further attention. It does feel like a failure when it doesn't work, but think of it as a systems failure rather than you being a failure. It has always been resolved in the second session - never needing more than that.

I think Anthony has a very valid point about honesty. As long as you are honest with the therapist, then you are not to blame if the therapy is not as helpful - on this occasion - as you might like. Just tell him and carry on.

Good luck
Lucy x

 

[zaniara]

At other times there is a residual bit of it needing further attention. It does feel like a failure when it doesn't work, but think of it as a systems failure rather than you being a failure.

Thank you. :) That was a good point.

 

[samson]

I remember feeling like something was failing with emdr. I used to spend considerable time between sessions worrying about the process itself. My T never seemed ruffled by anything. He would just keep going and insist that this was the work that needed to be done. Sit on his couch...remember bad stuff...watch his fingers go back and forth. It's hard because you feel like you want to do more to fix it. Turns out he was right. I wish I could remember this more often - I am doing the work.

I had a session yesterday that was different than any other. I moved very quickly through 2 very important memories. I honestly looked at the images (some we have been working on for a year) and felt no panic. I suddenly saw myself very differently in those images. Instead of feeling guilt and shame and feeling used and dirty - I saw myself as a young girl who just didn't know...alot of things. I didn't understand that this guy who was hurting me was a sociopath and no matter how much I loved him - he would never love me. It wasn't that I wasn't good enough - it was that he was an ass (excuse my language). My therapist was happier than I have ever seen him. I really never thought we would get to this point. I read stories about people having these types of breakthroughs with emdr, but really never thought it would be me.

I still have some work to do, but I feel so empowered right now.There actually will be an end to the memories I have to look at.

Everyone hang in there.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I just love your positive attittude. I think there is always hope and I believe in never giving up. Good for you. You will go far in your healing process I think. I am very proud of you..

 

[zaniara]

You will go far in your healing process I think. I am very proud of you..

Oh, thank you. :) I'm so touched by your words.

 

[zaniara]

(some we have been working on for a year) and felt no panic.

Thank you for your reply and for giving hope. I have experienced this with a trauma, and it was really amazing. To finally feel that it's not bothering me at all anymore, despite being so horrible before(haunting me: at first only with one small image and a sound coming in flashbacks and putting me back there whenever some triggers activated it) and thinking about my part in the situation so much differently than before.

But I wonder one thing: how did you work on that a whole year before? Before doing the EMDR? We seem to just jump right at it: without much discussion, we just sit down and start the EMDR. (We have made a list of traumas to work with, we did that after only a few months of therapy: and I've started remembering a lot more/understand a lot more on my own after that. We haven't really discussed any of them at all.)

 

[samson]

Zaniara, I was severely dissociated from the emotions associated with my trauma. I had locked it very deep inside of me. My therapist described it as putting caution tape around that part of my brain where that memory was stored. It took us a long time to actually get to the locked emotions. So, sometimes I would spend a whole session just working on part of a memory and one emotion. My T would just tell me to notice my feelings in my body and let the images come up. He let it go wherever it needed to. It seemed we worked through the panic and physical aspects first and then once I felt safe the emotions were able to come to the front. I began to see my younger self in the images. I harbored alot of anger and judgement against her (me) for letting us get in this mess. That conflict was really hard to work through. But eventually my younger self disappeared from the images and I accepted her and began to understand how I was feeling at that time. I was able to forgive myself and turn the anger and hate against my abuser.

Does that make sense? It sounds deep. :)

 

[Tinyflame]

I am so glad for your breakthrough samson (post #15). I understand what you are saying. And giz and zaniara, I think you don't give yourselves enough credit. :tup: :tup: :happy:

:hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[zaniara]

I was severely dissociated from the emotions associated with my trauma. I had locked it very deep inside of me.

Thank you so much for describing it! :) I think that might be the case now for me too. The dissociation is pretty bad and we have come down to some stuff that probably will be difficult to process. I must have locked it all very deep inside, since I have no memories at all from those years- the ones I think these "things" come from. There are a lot of physical problems right now, and reactions, but less emotions: it switches to dissociation and sometimes a wish to vanish off the face of the earth. I really can't control this much at all. (It's three, four years of my life(age 8-11) that are just "black"/gone, but I think small fragments are coming back. And could take it.. If they came one at a time: but they don't. I get flooded every time a small fragment comes up: and all hell break lose.. And then I dissociate or get SI's. :( )

Does that make sense?

It actually does! :) Congratulations to the break-through and healing that horrible stuff!

I think you don't give yourselves enough credit. :tup: :tup: :happy:

Oh, Junebug, thank you! :) :hug:

I spoke to my therapist over the phone today, and I feel that he managed to pick the pieces back enough for me to get through this weekend, and to be able to get to the appointment on Monday(I emailed him since I knew I wouldn't have made it there, to the session, otherwise- despite the fact that I have never skipped a session before). He said we will work to stabilize me.. So grateful for the support. (trying not to think about the voices in my head screaming I'm not worth it.)

 

[Tinyflame]

That's great news zaniara :tup: :) . That's right-naturally all that hard work is what is bringing forth such thoughts. You are SO worth it. :) :hug:

My friend told me to laugh at them- call them silly, tell them to "F Off", (that you recognize it for what it is), and that's that.

:hug:

 

[maddog]

Just wanted to add my voice of validation and encouragement Zaniara, as someone who has also done a lot of EMDR, interspersed with a lot of other various trauma therapies. I think EMDR is an extremely effective, useful and amazingly "probing" therapeutic tool and it can cut through layers of seemingly unprocessable trauma and cognitive/emotional distortion that, for me, have been pretty immune to other forms of therapy. In that sense, I agree that it can, sometimes, be the quick and compact trauma therapy that can feel both exhilarating and terrifying for its speed and intensity.

That said, it isn't always feasible, or reasonable, or helpful, to maintain that speed and intensity for more than short contained periods of time. I have taken many many breaks from EMDR, both to consolidate and rework its outcomes, and because of challenges and threats to my own coping and stability. It's hard not to view the "breaks" as signs of failure and of going backwards, even though my therapist is always quick to remind and reassure me that this is normal and healthy and that adjusting and modulating the pace and intensity of therapy in general - not just EMDR - is a critical basic principle and one which is a joint effort from both of us. It's my job to be honest and to communicate as clearly as I can, and his job to respond to that and to titrate therapy to preserve stability and progress as much as possible.

EMDR wasn't possible for me for a long time once I had started therapy. I had to learn to communicate, to forge some basic trust and connection with my therapist,and to learn to confront, discuss and acknowledge even basic aspects of autobiographical and emotional memory of my trauma. These were all complex and time-consuming tasks for me and there is no way I could have commenced EMDR until I had these foundations in place. I'm glad my therapist knew better than I did about this, and that sometimes he still does. I'm lucky. He lets me hold the reins and set the pace until he thinks I'm making poor judgments about that, at which point he steps in and is firm with me, and so far, I can honestly say he has always made the right choices, even though I sometimes only recognize this in hindsight.

Sounds like you have a great and very effective and skilled therapist Zaniara, which should bring you much reassurance. The followup support is really critical for me with EMDR, so glad he has been available for that for you and has given you a guarantee of further stabilisation work on Monday - stability and safety always come first, even when we wish they didn't have to.

Hang in there.

Maddog

 

[zaniara]

it isn't always feasible, or reasonable, or helpful, to maintain that speed and intensity for more than short contained periods of time. I have taken many many breaks from EMDR, both to consolidate and rework its outcomes, and because of challenges and threats to my own coping and stability. It's hard not to view the "breaks" as signs of failure and of going backwards

Thank you so much Maddog for your words!! They meant a lot to me. But am in a pretty bad state today(dissociating badly), so it's hard to find the words to answer. But those word in the last sentence in the quote were just so.. That's exactly how it feels. Like a failure.. :( Despite the fact that he is trying to make me understand it's not. (Guess old programming is messing it all up for me right now.) And yes.. I have a great therapist! :) So very grateful for that too. Thank you!