Emotion from therapist

[ninja]

It could be that she isn't (or doesn't seem to be) as concerned about helping you get stabilized? Jumping into it all with those direct words could be destabilizing, and it may be that you are ready for some of that now after the stabilization you've done with previous T's. Or perhaps not. . . or both simultaneously! Pushing from a place of kindness can be helpful, but knowing it is okay to rest and pull back sometimes is needed too.

 

[Suzetig]

I hope she is showing me that it is ok to feel and this is how. They feel like big and terrifying steps and I have no idea how to take them.

It sounds like she had a very human response to what had happened to you - it’s very human to show emotion when someone has had a terrible time of it and while she needs to be robust enough to hold you safely in therapy, showing emotion doesn’t mean she needs you to look after her, she’s actually responding in an emotionally healthy way. So yes, modelling that it’s ok to feel something about what happened to you, showing that nothing bad will come if you let yourself feel it (I’m assuming she could still continue the session and didn’t put her head down and cry like a toddler).

Actually I tend to be more trustworthy of a T who shows some kind of reaction to what happened to me - not in an “oh my god how awful I need to take to my bed” kind of way, but I need compassion and caring in my therapy. You can drop all the balls, stop all the plate spinning, she’ll be able to catch it all - even if she does it with tears in her eyes.

 

[Hopefully]

Thank you @Nessa7, @NinjaWolf and @Suzetig.

@Nessa7, I don’t know if it’s I can’t be honest with her, it is more I’m too fearful of being open. She has to ask direct questions to get information otherwise I’ll spend forever talking around things.

@NinjaWolf, I think I need face face those words, I can’t keep avoiding them. They might not be the words I choose but I need to be able to tolerate hearing them. I also want them as they do validate my experiences. I both want and don’t want them.

@Suzetig, it felt like a natural reaction from her, it wasn’t over the top in any way, just an observation from her perspective. I hope I can learn from it, I want to, it feels like what I need. As I said before it felt scary and confusing but not necessarily wrong. I wish I could let go of it all, I wish I knew how and was able too. I hope I’m making some progress to get to that point, but really it still feels like an insurmountable struggle. At the moment fear is bound to everything.

 

[hithere]

At first I was thinking the therapist sounds really strange. Then I thought about it. My therapist feels nothing for me or what happened to me. My therapist has told me this, several times or more. The line is: "I don't feel anything, I don't feel empathy in the moment you are telling me about the abuse, but it doesn't mean I don't care" The fact that the t feels nothing, no empathy, has actually caused me to have a very strong negative reaction. To me, this is like a repeat of the original abuse. Basically no one gave a care at all. it was dangerous to tell anyone on top of that. Just all that rejection emotion is stirred up. I would beat myself up for wanting care from the therapist, like something was wrong with me, like I had some condition like munchausen syndrome. So I think if my therapist actually responded emotionally it would be very healing for me. I have been "frozen" emotionally my whole life, so I do think it would probably help me if the therapist acted empathic and had an emotional response, even if it was a bit extreme. Though it probably would freak me out at the same time, like I'm responsible for making this person feel better.

 

[MyWillow]

I think there's a big difference between a T expressing empathy vs one who is emotional. They can show empathy whilst simultaneously containing your emotions. Agree that empathy can be very healing.

 

[Hopefully]

The line is: "I don't feel anything, I don't feel empathy in the moment you are telling me about the abuse, but it doesn't mean I don't care

I think that would be really hard for me to hear, harder than her showing some emotion. I know they are saying that it doesn't mean they don't care but that bit comes a bit late, I wouldn't hear that, I would just hear the first part. All T's and all of us are different, I can't say what is right or wrong but I hope you aren't being unnecessarily hurt.

For me I hope it is a helpful part of the process. I'm going to try and go with it whilst keeping an eye on it.

 

[shimmerz]

She’s showing you what’s appropriate to feel given your history. That’s awesome. And not sure why you think it’s your responsibility to rebalance emotions?!

This is just so brilliant! I had never thought if it this way! Thank you!

And, OP, your need to rebalance the energies is perhaps because it was a matter of life or death to you that you develop that skill at one time. You have learned to do it. Anything you have learned how to do can be unlearned. This would be great practice of busting that myth with her help.

 

[Scarlet13]

Hi,
So when I first read your post I felt like this T was totally crossing boundaries into feeling too much emotion and I would hate it if a T said something like, "I am feeling emotions for you "
It would feel weird to me. This was my first thought.
Then I remembered when my psychiatrist, who was my therapist for a while and gave me an emotional response that I should have had.
I thought it wasn't a big deal.
I just said that my mother blamed me for my father's alcoholism and infidelity. I was such a difficult child, causing him to cheat and drink alcohol.
Well she showed anger. And it was real. Then in that split second she honed her response into a deliberate act to sort of model for me the appropriate reaction to my mother's emotional abuse.
I tend to under react to emotional abuse and I still bought into believing that as truth. I could envision myself as a child being so naughty as to drive my poor father to drink.
I certainly did not feel outrage and anger over this and was surprised over her reaction.
I then was able to sort of get that reaction for myself and see how f*cked up that is, to see a small child as responsible for an adults reactions and to scape goat me.
But that realization took me a year and a half to get to and I was with a diff therapist at that point.
I still appreciate what she did and feel that it was very powerful.
So, I guess it is about control.
Some T's are not keeping themselves together and feeling too much. Not good.
Some T's are demonstrating a reaction on purpose as a therapeutic method to break through the minimizing and internalization.
Does she has control or is she loosing control?

 

[Hopefully]

Thank you @Scarlet13, I really relate to what you say.

My first thought was also that this is wrong, but having thought more on it I think it is ok. She didn't make a big deal of it, it felt just like an observation. I'm hoping it will benefit me to see these reactions, that I can open out some of those feelings a little. It's definitely not easy though. I'm am really fearful of feeling anger, I'm trying to avoid it, it scares me and I think if I let some more emotion in this is what it will be, I don't know if I can handle that.

I'm going to try and take her as it comes and access along the way.

 

[AnnaW]

I have just started with a new T for childhood trauma who has a bit of a different style to what I ex...

Speaking as a therapist, myself...If your T does something that makes you uncomfortable, the response is to tell the therapist that.

I doubt the therapist will be uncomfortable if you explain how the emotion she is sharing bothers you. It's a T's job to handle such things. If she cannot handle that, and gets upset or blaming with you, precisely when you tell her that this much emotion is hard for you, then she is not meeting you where you are. That would reveal a problem in the therapeutic relationship, and her abilities as a T.

But even the greatest T cannot read your mind.

If you are uncomfortable, she can see that, but she cannot know precisely where your discomfort comes from unless you tell her.

It is entirely possible that she is trying to help you access your own difficult emotions. You have clarified in this thread that emotions are hard for you to manage, and you prefer to avoid them. And research is clear that learning to manage our own emotions and encountering the emotions of others are extremely important in life. It helps as much with career as it does with family and friendship relationships.

She may be doing something very right, and helping you confront your emotions. Or she may be moving way too fast for you, or she may be doing what she thinks is right without getting a clear sense of what you need right now.

No matter if it is one of those, or something else, the response from you is the same: tell her what you said here about feeling like it is up to you to rebalance the emotions in the room. Then, she ought to respond by asking you to talk more about your response, so she can deeply understand it. Tell her what you don't like about it, and ask her what her goal is in acting this way.

She may be the best therapist you could ever have, but only if you respond to her honestly.

And if she turns out to be a kook, responding honestly will flush that out sooner than later.

 

[Hopefully]

Thank you @AnnaW, it is really insightful to hear things from the other side. I really appreciate your thoughts.

I completely agree and it is the advice I would give to anyone else, we all should always be as open and honest as we can be. However (isn't there always a however!) it is so hard to do. With T and when experiencing these emotions I am in a complete freeze and shut down, all I get is a prevailing need for that moment to be over as quickly as possible. In that moment it feels like there is simply no ability for "this is what is coming up for me at the moment", in fact in all my therapy that would be the most direct thing I have ever said. For me this is really challenging. Maybe it comes from always needing to predict and keep on top of people's moods, the least said the smaller the reaction, or maybe that is my personality, or something else but it seems like a step that is too big to make. Like all things here, it is complex, speaking my voice, my thoughts is not that straightforward. I'm trying to work on it.

 

[Hopefully]

As an update on this I'm not sure if things have improved. The last time I saw her she cried, she had to reach for a tissue and take a deep breath. It doesn't feel completely wrong but it certainly feels odd. She said, as she did before, she feels differently with different clients and she is an emotional person. It didn't really interfere with the session but it is strange and hard to see.

I had done a brainstorm on some childhood trauma, things I couldn't say, things that she then asked if I wanted to talk about but I said no, I couldn't, I couldn't get near to it in that moment. She seemed to handle that all well, I don't distrust her, I just can't believe her reaction, it just seems too much, too big, too unecessary. And then I don't know if she is showing me a reaction I could have, mirroring that to me but that feels horrible, like I am being manipulated and played, that she is being dishonest. Or maybe I made it sound worse than it was, maybe I should have given a clearer picture, putting a load of negative experiences in one place is never going to be a good read, maybe I should have added some positives in because they were there too, there was a lot of a normal childhood in with some less pleasant bits.

I don't know if I should be worried about her reaction or just allow it because it is human and valid. It's confusing!