Emotion from therapist

[Suzetig]

The last time I saw her she cried, she had to reach for a tissue and take a deep breath.

That sounds like a significant reaction - it’s one thing for a T to be a bit tearful but if a T had that kind of reaction I’d expect them to explain what was causing it and why (eg something in your experience really touched me, I’m feeling how lonely you were etc etc) not just “I feel different things with different people”. Ts need to be human, yes, but they also need to be pretty robust in their work and fully crying, tissue and deep breathing suggests you might have hit a sore spot of their own rather than it necessarily being about your stuff. Was it a stronger reaction than the last time or am I reading into that?

I’d ask the T next time you see her what her tears were about and if it inhibits you doing the work, talk to her about that.

 

[Rumors]

I would literally have to ask... like no bullshit and come right out and say, "I am uneasy with your reaction and don't understand your emotion behind my story." I am not sure I could leave things out there and unanswered. Good luck!

 

[hithere]

I know I said this first time I posted, but it still applies. I WISH my therapist had some sort of empathetic or even sympathetic reaction to the events when I'm able to tell them My therapist just looks at me calmly. They even said a month ago , "I've heard these things a million times" and for some reason that hurt me. the purpose for that comment was to say that the therapist wasn't afraid to hear it. Yet my reaction was not good. I found I can't open up anymore because it just causes me to feel so very, very low, so lost and forgotten. Getting a tissue is not the same things as balling her eyes out. I think she sounds like the true meaning of "empathetic" Was she sobbing, or did she just have tears in her eyes and speak in a kind caring way. This is something I NEVER heard or saw done by anyone EVER. So it would feel strange. However, I've parented my kids and I do feel emotions when they share their hurts. Sometimes I feel angry when they tell me they've been bullied, I think it helped them that Momma Bear came out and they saw I wanted to protect them and kick some ass on their behalf. when they would bump their knees or get hurt I would shed a tear and say "it will be alright but I'm so sorry you got hurt." I wouldn't say, ok yeah, your bleeding go get a band aid get over it don't come crying to me, Neither would I just stare at them as they tell what happened to them.

Does this therapist seem like she is "faking" it, because I wouldn't want that either! Perhpas you have some separation from your own feelings concerning your issues, and there is a disconnect in you. Do you have feelings for yourself? Have you ever cried over these things? Do you feel any sorrow over what happened. ? At some point though the therapist needs to dry her eyes, roll up her sleeves and get down to some business and do some work. Being empathetic helps, but what comes next. Do you get any "work" done? I can see how her crying would perhaps stop you from processing your own feelings. There have been times in the presence of my therapist, when they are just sitting there staring at me that I have felt my own feelings for the first time. It's VERY helpful at that point when I'm crying or thinking I'm in danger if therapist remains calm but present, not daydreaming etc. It would not be helpful during those times if they were also wiping a tear away.

 

[scout86]

My T says he does what he does by being who he is. He's fairly emotional. Sometimes he flinches, some times he gets tears in his eyes. We've talked about it because it can bother me. The thing is, it bothers me mainly because, as a child, I was responsible for other people's feelings and it was bad if they felt bad. It doesn't work that way with him and I'm finally getting comfortable with that. He's not trying to show me anything. No manipulation. He's just being who he is and giving me a chance to find out that can be safe.

 

[hithere]

@scout86 thank you writing that. i know this is someone else's thread, yet what you say your therapist told you is very helpful to me. My therapist has said "I'm not going to lie to you. If I don't feel something, I'm not going to say I do. I'm want to be an honest therapist" So that helps to read that your therapist said he is going to be who he is.

 

[Hopefully]

Was it a stronger reaction than the last time or am I reading into that?

It was a stronger reaction to last time but maybe to say she cried is too much, it was probably more of a sob for a couple of breathes and then she composed herself and got a tissue. I think more than anything it makes me feel uncomfortable because I so strongly avoid feeling that way, I don’t know what to do with those feelings. She just seemed to let them come and then get on with the task at hand. She did ask how it made me feel but I can’t remember what I said, probably a lot of ‘I don’t knows’.

@Rumors, I want to try and bring it up with her next week but saying that would be the most direct I have ever said in T, it feels incredibly difficult.

@hithere, it is really interesting to hear the other side, previous T’s have been similar to yours, they’d say ‘however it feels to you is ok’ but I always wanted their opinion. You are right also in that I am very disconnected from my feelings, I have only cried a couple of times about it and never in T, there are am guarded and closed off, too scared to go near those types of feelings. I hope some good comes from seeing her this way.

@scout86, this feels very similar, it’s good to hear of your experiences. I think my fear of emotions is getting in the way of seeing them, it panics me, I don’t know what to do but maybe there is nothing to do, maybe it’s ok to see them and then move on. It just makes me feel very defective in not being able to do that.

 

[Rumors]

@Hopefully
So making a life altering decision about whether to continue in therapy with this person isn't difficult? Here is the thing and I don't mean to sound so blunt however I feel like you need to hear this, not discussing it, avoiding, minimizing are exactly the reasons why you go to therapy. We are there to learn better skills and utilize those in the form of self advocacy. If it were any benign topic say what brand of coffee you drink, you would absolutely say "I don't like French vanilla but I do like Hazelnut." Letting your therapist know that you are uncomfortable and perplexed by her emotion is COMPLETELY NORMAL and expected. Coming here and making a decision without including your therapist prevents you from moving forward in therapy and life. Clearly you are able to express your concerns as you have here. Print this out, but don't waste any more time not discussing it with her. You may find that she is a kook, but you may also find that she is trying to model what being sad looks like. Either case, you are advocating for yourself and that is positive growth. Please trust in yourself enough to carry your message to her in a kind way and that you go in to this knowing you will garner strength from dealing with it. Best wishes!!!! I really hope you are able to jump in there and talk with her!!

 

[Mach123]

I have always run on verbally about everything else it's always so easy because so much is always 'wrong.' It's a dodge though. I don't even know anymore though. Talking about it is not all that helpful and it hurts to talk about it? We were talking about 'little boy me" this week and lots of other stuff that's not 'easy.' She had a reaction, I saw it. I assume she can see it and how getting down there is painful. I know she did her own trauma thing, she wrote a book. I don't think there was much that I went through that she didn't so, I have empathy for her too. It's brutal letting someone in with you, meaning me. I don't want it to be there. I don't want to have to deal with it. It is though, and I do.

 

[BoN-bOn]

I had been seeing my T for quite some time when she finally let her guard down & we both cried together. I think it was that very moment when I truly began to trust her. I saw her as a human & saw how much she really cared. We have made leaps & bounds together since that moment.

 

[Suzetig]

I want to try and bring it up with her next week but saying that would be the most direct I have ever said in T, it feels incredibly difficult

It is difficult to tell someone how they impact on you - but that’s what therapy is for, to practice being open, honest, authentic in relationships with others and in our relationship with ourself. I agree that having this discussion, and making decisions about therapy without her is anti-therapeutic - think about what you need to say, write it down and give it to her if need be but talk to her about it.

 

[Hopefully]

Thank you for all the responses, it is really appreciated.

I know I need to push harder, I know I need to be more open. I know next week she is going to ask me about the things I wrote and I am going to really have to try and stay engaged, I want to, I want to be able to find the words. These are discussions I’ve never had before, previous T’s and I have talked around themes and meaning but never really the details, it seemed they thought the details weren’t that pressing.

I know this is her job, but she is new to me, I’ve only met her 6 times so although I am sure I can trust her it is a big step, trust is really hard for me. Each week I make sure I say something that I want to avoid, something that feels impossible to say. I am trying to be as open as I can be.

I feel reassured her reaction is ok, it is my reaction to that that needs some help!

Thank you all again.

 

[Suzetig]

Honestly I’m not sure after 6 sessions her reaction is ok tbh, any time I’ve heard of a T have an emotional reaction in session it’s been in longer term work where there’s a well established relationship - which does change things - and I’m also thinking if you’ve not shared significant parts of your trauma (understandably given it’s very early days), what is it that she’s reacting to? I’d be concerned about her ability to hold your process when it seems to be touching her own stuff and that you’d start to feel the need to protect her from the tougher stuff.