Emotional Amnesia

[Mattie34]

Anyone have a similar experience with emotional amnesia as a part of a CPTSD trigger? I feel like I do in the sense that I forget how I feel about certain situations or people. Like my love for my loved ones is lost or forgotten, my happiness for my hobbies is forgotten. Kinda like your body is reacting to things because it knows that’s how it’s supposed to react but not actually feeling a response. It also can affect my short term memory, like I can barely remember what happened yesterday or last week. It takes a good thinking session to recall certain things. The CPTSD triggers and amnesia feel like it can last a few months sometimes as well. Just wondering if anyone can relate.

 

[Ecdysis]

Do you know about "depersonalisation" and "derealisation" in the sense of PTSD? Could it be that? An intense form of dissociation?

 

[Mattie34]

Yes a lot like that but a bit more specific into how you feel connected to others and memories.

 

[parrotthepolly]

I get this but mostly with positive feelings sadly.

 

[Mattie34]

I get this but mostly with positive feelings sadly.

Definitely same. It’s either anxiety, depression, anger, guilt, or nothing.

 

[Friday]

Anyone have a similar experience with emotional amnesia as a part of a CPTSD trigger? I feel like I do in the sense that I forget how I feel about certain situations or people. Like my love for my loved ones is lost or forgotten, my happiness for my hobbies is forgotten. Kinda like your body is reacting to things because it knows that’s how it’s supposed to react but not actually feeling a response. It also can affect my short term memory, like I can barely remember what happened yesterday or last week. It takes a good thinking session to recall certain things. The CPTSD triggers and amnesia feel like it can last a few months sometimes as well. Just wondering if anyone can relate.

Yep, yep.

Took me a loooooong time to learn to just “act as if”, because I knew intellectually that I loved them, and that given time and space the feelings would come back.

IDFK how many relationships I ended because I believed they deserved someone who loved them… before I learned my feelings would come BACK, even after leaving them.

How I feel? Comes and goes.
How I act? Is a choice.

 

[Friday]

Acting as if… when I don’t feel anything, or worse when I feel the “I’m DONE,” thing… instead of nuking my life? I’ve written about off & on over the years. Since it’s so closely related (for me, anyhow), with my emotions switching off, figured I’d throw a few examples up.

I learned to call a Moratorium on major decision making when stressed out... a long time ago. Following countless and profoundly regretted choices. Hey, even a jarhead can learn... eventually. ;)

A whole helluva lot about dealing with PTSD -in my experience- is about creating delaying actions & rally points. Giving yourself time to get through hard shit, whilst protecting what you stand to lose, time to regroup... instead of making hard things harder. Sadly, it takes time to learn that just because it feels like now is forever, doesn’t mean it’s true. I used to nuke my life and walk away from the world pretty damn regularly. It took me years to learn that what felt solid, was probably only going to last -on the outside- 6 weeks to 6 months. And could easily last far less. That’s not forever. Hell. Sometimes? That’s just a vacation.

I get bored.

I have stopped my life before... Just gone & slept on the beach for a few weeks (literally; homeless, jobless, complete isolation)... And that gets boring. I did that off and on for several years before I decided, f*ck it, may as well make a real go at living. At the time, I circled. Would work for awhile, party for awhile, be homeless for awhile & surf for awhile, // work for awhile, party for awhile, be homeless for awhile & surf for awhile // rinse lather repeat.

The longest I was able to simply tune out the world and not be bored was about 6 months. That's my hard limit. Usually I get bored much earlier, around 6 weeks. That's part of what has kept me "in" my life over the past 10 years, even when I just want to run away. It's a stone bitch starting over from square 1 (no job, no home, no anything). And if all I really need is an extended vacation? It's just throwing the baby out with the bathwater to nuke my life for a 6 week self pity jaunt. Come close, more than close, a few times though. If I knew I could count on months? I'd probably have left long before. But a person can never really tell when their upper limit for boredom will kick in. At least, I can't.

I don't even know how many flats I've simply walked away from. Just one day having coffee in a cafe, stand up get on a train, and leave. Different city, different country, different life.

What I've come to learn is that when that impulse strikes? It usually has a very limited shelf life. 6weeks to 6months on average. At the time I'm either sure it's "forever" (or I really don't care / there's no thought to the future whatsoever. I just don't want to be here, anymore, so I leave). But it finally occurred to me that 6 weeks? Isn't forever. It's a vacation.

So instead of nuking my life, or walking away from my life, I can take an extended vacation instead. After a few times doing that? Leaving AND returning / having a place to return back to? I started taking shorter vacations. In advance of "I'm done. Time to go." A week here, a week there, and shockingly? The Go! Go now! impulse went away entirely. (As did the "I don't wanna go back!") Start nixing those weeks off? Voila merde. The impulse to just walk away and leave everything in my wake came right back.

I need breaks from my life. Not want, but need. Okay. I can work with that.

 

[Mattie34]

Acting as if… when I don’t feel anything, or worse when I feel the “I’m DONE,” thing… instead of nuking my life? I’ve written about off & on over the years. Since it’s so closely related (for me, anyhow), with my emotions switching off, figured I’d throw a few examples up.

Wowowow yeah absolutely relate. Sometimes it also applies to just my life and creativity in general. Glad to know it starts to lessen or get better in a way.

 

[mamachick]

Friday, WOW, that is what I would like to do, but think Im too old to just take off, and too many medical problems. Im just so exhausted that I am disconnected from everything and everyone. I am almost sure I have a bone infection from a break and surgery, but also know I sound like a hypochondriac. So I am just living with the pain. Also December is my big trauma month. I find myself in a dissociated state I suppose, hardly connect with what others are saying. It is what it is. I know it sounds weird, but feel I am at the end of life. My sisters all died off over past few years and I am feeing my own end. I know it sounds dramatic so I haven't spoke of it. I haven't even been on this site for quite awhile. If Im still here in 2 months I will tell my psychiatrist. I am so exhausted that all I do is sleep. I am pretending my way thru the holidays for those I love I almost feel a relief knowing this, and if Im right. Im just too tired to do anything else. Not even sure it has anything to do with ptsd, though it probably does. Just to tired to do much