Emotional Flashbacks And Anger

[keifer]

Yesterday, I was tired when I got home. No energy to workout or anything. I crashed on my couch for 20 minutes or so. I awoke with my eyes wet. I'm not sure if I was crying or what. I don't feel sad or anything.

I'm angry again today. I want to punch something repeatedly hard and harder. I'm considering going home and pounding my heavy bag until I can't any longer.

I've had this rage before. Nothing seems to work to calm down. I can breath, listen to music, and nothing works.

I don't know what I'll do afterward.

Now, I sit at my desk and can not concentrate. I catch myself putting my fists to my face while trying to listen to music. I'm angry. I can also feel the darkness swell in me. I can't let my office worker know. Do they see me?

I did go home. I hit the heavy bag but not for long. I watched iron man 3 as I ate lunch. Afterward, I just crashed for a few hours of sleep, maybe I was exhausted.

I don't know what to do. I'm angry a lot and still getting emotional flashbacks. My sleep is not ideal. My PTSD isn't suppose to be bad. I'm out of options to see anyone as no one knows how to deal with amnesia and emotional flashbacks.

I quit taking my pain meds for my knee as I have surgery again next week to help fix it but it won't be perfect again. I'm hoping for more function, and some less pain as a goal.

I'm also anxious about going through a procedure again which lead me to this living hell. I'm going to be awake this time but I'm also scared.

 

[WillyKat]

I've been dealing w/ anger now for over a year. The last two weeks have been better--better than the month before, which was better than six months before. So there's been improvement over the past eight months or so, but with plenty of ups and downs.

I can't say this will help you but maybe what worked for me may provide some food for thought.

Last May or so, my T asked me if I was giving my mother, family, and teachers a "bye" for when I was six. I never held them accountable for not being there to help me. See, it was the 1960s, a rural and cultural backwater, etc. I was excusing them intellectually, but when I was six, I couldn't think like that. All I knew is that I needed protection and I didn't get any. So a lot of my anger was my inner little boy that never vented about that emotional abandonment.

Then a few weeks ago, I finally realized / gave up on the idea that my wife would ever change. Even though intellectually, I knew she had to have a desire to change, emotionally, I was still caught up in making her change. And that required a lot of anger.

In short, there's a big difference between intellectually knowing something and letting yourself feel it. My current anger, and maybe yours, is based on some original hurt. It just masquerades as something going on today. And it's OK to be angry at that original hurt. Also, anger may be because you can't change people; they have to change themselves.

Anyway, that's what's helped me; your mileage may vary.

 

[NewDayTomorrow]

Hey, sorry about your knee. I had a spinal fusion surgery. I understand the anxiety there. The spinal fusion is actually not the worst thing that happened to me, but it sucked in its own way.

I am not often angry. It does happen sometimes. Punching stuff isn't my style, I go for long walks instead, I just keep walking until I feel ready to drop. Sometimes, I go to this nice memorial overlooking a hill and stand there for hours in the wind until I go, you know what, the sun is going down, I'm cold, and my legs are tired, and eventually I wear myself out on the walk back home. I've also woken from naps or actual nighttime sleep with wet eyes, sometimes actual tears, but not feeling sad.

At work, when I got like this, sometimes, running cold water over my hands in the bathroom helped me redirect a little. The only other idea, is eliminate alcohol and caffeine from your diet to the greatest extent possible. Those can make you irritated or anxious.

If you want to talk more, please open a private conversation. I am in a listening mood right now :)

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

I'm sorry for your rage, the darkness, the pain, and the emotional flashbacks! I just want you to know that I HEAR you, and can relate to the pain. Pain every day is enough to be angry about, so all the other stuff must feel like boulders on your emotions, causing the anger to be pushed out. I don't know if that make sense, but I sort of picture in my mind a huge boulder with your emotions being squeezed out painfully! Sometimes we can only take an hour at a time! I hope they will give you something to relax you while your knee is being worked on. That would be enough to take away some anxiety.
Sending blessings of hope your way...:hug:

 

[onesie]

I too, hear you. I suffer with cptsd. My knee is also having problems. I'm sorry that you are too. I am so angry. Some days it is unbearable. I just drop and cry. Writing, singing, playing with my dog, seems to help. I am not able to work at this time, so this is extremely hard. It hurts and I want it to stop. Each day, I try to look forward. I am new to all of this. Anyways, I hope your knee gets better. ;) Plus, I pray your mind and heart heals.

 

[keifer]

I've given up drinking as on Saturday. I reached for a beer because I needed it to kill the pain. I used the word need and that caused me to take a step back. In the Navy, I took several drug and alcohol classes just like everyone else as a supervisor and sailor. I was in stage 1 where I was using it so I wouldn't feel anymore. Stage 2, when it's no longer want but need.

I actually have coffee to relax but true it can be over done. I'll try cutting back some and think water first. My goal will be to keep my morning coffee and maybe 1 at night if I want it.