Emotional Neglect?

[ClairBear226]

It was the not-caring that I couldn't handle. I felt like a subject in an experiment instead of a child. .

Roger that.

 

[redflashlight]

This thread makes me ache inside. I feel like the emotional neglect I experienced while growing up left a frozen wound that is mostly just numb, or achy. That is until I see mother lovingly parenting her baby. I could cry for the rest of my life. Wanting and wanting, and never getting. Or getting a shove and a curse.

 

[Sandra]

I so relate to that Redflashlight.

 

[ms spock]

I could cry for the rest of my life as well redflashlight.

That is such a poignant and apt description of it all for me.

Thankyou
ms spock

 

[mamachick]

Im sure that I am the way that I am due to starting out with neglectful parents. I think that because of that I have always taken care of others and had little caring for myself., and never had a problem taking care of myself. Always been pretting low maintainance, not expecting a lot. I married a man at age 26 who was stable and reliable. After 17 yrs we seperated-we have 2 grown daughters now. It still pains me when I think of how neglectful he was in our marraige. I would think that statement would come from someone who needs lots of attention-thats not the case. Has anyone else experienced adult neglect? He grew up in an alcoholic family and it all makes sense but he still has not made any changes. It is very very sad, a time in our life when things should be easier, but I could never expect him to remember me.

 

[ms spock]

I relate so much to your post brat17.

Starting out with neglectful parents sets you up and puts you in a pattern of meeting other people's needs, not meeting or basically meeting our own needs and not expecting to have some of our needs met by our chosen family and/or friends. So we put up with getting nothing and/or little. We live a life of complete emotional deprivation. As I still am living this life I cannot make any suggestions or have any answers and perhaps I don't have even the right questions.

You express so clearly the dynamics and the language of my yearning heart.

I was thinking about my last relationship today - my ex and I was thinking what was I doing putting up with someone
who didn't even buy me a birthday present last year. I stayed with someone who received many, many presents from me, special dinners, parties and he didn't bother to get me a birthday present! And I STAYED in the relationship after that.

I intellectually knew that this was not okay and yet I didn't emotionally connect to it now almost a year later.

I have certainly lived a life of adult neglect in the way I believe you are describing it.

My ex had problems in his family, along with alcoholic family members and the whole kit and kaboole. I would like to get to a point that I don't attract people like that anymore. Or at least have the insight not to invest so much time and energy in to them.

I have experience adult neglect, stemming from neglect from my parents, from other people and unfortunately continuously from my self.

ms spock

It is always so painful to realise that you hung out with people that could never remember you.

My last birthday one friend from one friendship network remembered me and one person from another friendship remembered me. But that was all. I move amongs huge networks and I realised that I didn't matter much to any much and once again I have set my self up to be the disposable person/woman.

 

[squidge]

I have been following this thread for a while now and am so grateful it was started. I am beginning to realise that working on the emotional abuse I suffered as a child is becoming more difficult then working on the aspects of the CSA. It is a sad realisation for me that if it was not for the emotional abuse by the hands of my parents, that the CSA may have never happened or could have turned out differently.

 

[mamachick]

I am sorry your birthdays have not been remembered well. I know what you mean though, mine are not much remebered either. During a more active time in my life, a group of 4 of us would get together around each of our birthdays and go out for chineese-great memories.

I thought my ex was not real attentive (bit boring) before marraige. Kind that sits in recliner and watches sport, then plays sport, and works-not much else. Oh, sex on saturday that there is no softball. Very rigid. For my birthday, I would show my kids a wind suit at the store and he would take them and get it(otherwise it was real bad). When I had my daughters I didnt get a mothers day card. I told him I felt hurt and he said that I am not his mother. Ummm When my EKG was abnormal my doc said if I had chest pain again to get to ER. I woke my husband to take my and went downstaris, when several minutes went by and he did not come down, I drug myself up the steps--he was shaving at 3 am. He doesnt like changes or surprises so we could only go out to dinner if we planned a week in advance. He never suggested anything. I took care of everything except he did take out trash and cut grass and shovel snow. If I was sick in bed, he would never come near and ask me if I needed something. He has told me that when someone else has pain or is sick that he cannot relate to it at all because he is not feeling it. (no empathy) When my mother died and a grandaughter died of SIDS (daughter from first marraige) he would not take off work to help me with arrangements.

We were married 17 yrs and for the most part it was good with the exception that I did not feel like I had a husband. Often my oldest daughter would want to go places with me instead of him. After his father passed away, his mother refused to sell the farm because she know that he would have to go there and cut grass every week and do all the repairs. Finally I just told him to stay up there. After 8 years he still does not know why

Since we have children together and both love them very much, it would be so much nicer to have been ablt to say married. I just got to where I could not sleep next to him and feel lonely. There is a good book "Silent Sons" by Ackerman about sons raised in alcoholic families. He is a good person in many ways, just remained invisible and never ticks anyone off.

When I have dated someone, they would stop at the store to pick up bread and bring a couple things I like. Or offer to rub my sore feet, or hug me when we were cooking dinner. I am very affectionate and I like that touching. Especially after 17 yrs of no skin contact. Since I am now old and still single with no prospects, I have though that life could be easier just staying married (maybe after mom dies). Then when I remember that it doesnt occur to him to ask a person with the flu if they want some gingerale or something-I say-Naaaaa

 

[ms spock]

It is a sad realisation for me that if it was not for the emotional abuse by the hands of my parents, that the CSA may have never happened or could have turned out differently.

Yes sexual abusers give children that have an attachment to a person, parent or guardian a real miss, because if there is attachment there then the person, parent or guardian will pick it up very quickly that something is not right.

Emotional abandonment sets a child up for sexual abuse. Makes them ripe for the abuse.

ms spock

 

[Oceanheart]

I do feel like I've been emotionally neglected when I was younger, but I'm just not sure if I'm right or wrong, because people in my family say I'm a bunch of baloney. I know a few times I felt lack of love/care/concern. I always felt greatly ignored and lonesome, since I suffered physical and verbal abuse from both my parents, and (mom, mostly) did show a lot of lack of concern. Like if I cried, my mother never ever hugged me of asked me if I was ok. She never considered how I was feeling. I remember one time my mother had emotionally hurt me, and I was crying on the floor, and all she said was "Are you going to sleep there tonight?". I still feel like I'm starving for affection. I always crave affection that I never had. I crave love and happiness that a child in me should've had, but never gotten. I constantly ask myself if I'm just crazy, because I'm always being told that I'm "wrong". I'm not sure what is right or wrong :(

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

(((Oceanheart))) You are not wrong!! Only you know what you experienced, so only you know the truth. My mother was never available either. That changes our self-esteem and self-worth. Try to love yourself! It doesn't come naturally, but it does help!

 

[Icon Nikon]

Dear Oceanheart

I don't have much time or energy to respond, so please do forgive me. However, as I previously wrote and your words

"I always felt greatly ignored and lonesome, since I suffered physical and verbal abuse from both my parents..."

clearly indicate, ALL abuse is inextricably intertwined with and wrapped in a layer of neglect.

You are neither crazy or wrong. Your our words

"I always crave affection that I never had."

are proof of such devastating emotional neglect. And I'm not sure how you came up with your screen name, but I would suspect that besides the breath of the "ocean of love" you feel for others, it also reflects the depth of the "ocean of deprivation" you feel inside - a void from children that is truly hard to fill!

I genuinely feel for your unmet childhood needs, but please don't add to that pain by doubting yourself. Everyone needs to be loved, but only those who have truly been denied it for so long crave it the way that you do. And I say that from my own personal experience and professional knowledge.

Please embrace yourself and ALL your pain, and when you feel as if you can't for a while, let all of us, let me, hold your heart in our hands and keep it beating for you. Also, remember that "we are all wired to connect" emotionally with others, especially our primary caregivers/parents.

Sending you a touch of that affection you are so starved for. I know it won't be enough but hopefully it can be a start. You deserve all the care and love that you never received, but should have.

Here is one hug from me to put in your "ocean heart",
Alex