you CAN'T explain what is going on. Sometimes you know what is making you react. But often, you don't know or even realize it is even happening until it has happened. Also, it doesn't matter whether or not you will love us more for being honest and showing weakness. This is pure survival at the primal level. The Lizard Brain. If I feel threatened or weak. It is me feeling frightened or weak. I have to get around that. All your love and affection won't help when the Lizard Brain is in control. In fact, you loving me, makes me feel weaker.
This was/is the light that I have been needing to guide me through some of the yuckiest and darkest times in my relationship. Especially that last line. I have been trying to hard to put that into practice and stay in touch and just talk about casual everyday things, but its hard when our relationship is usually so lovey and affectionate. I am constantly reminding myself that relationships only last if there is true friendship in there, so I need to be the best kind of friend to him, and that is the kind that isn't in love with him, but its hard *whining voice here* because I am so very much in love with my friend.
Which one most closely fits your Veteran?
Why did you find them attractive? If you saw flaws, did you think they would change or that you could change them?
So this is very hard to admit because I know better, but any flaws I might have even seen in him were things that I thought I could make him love me enough to change them. I know, stupid, right?! We all know that if a person changes for someone else, its usually not genuine and won't last forever. I knew he had PTSD when I fell for him, and I knew it would not be easy, but I can't explain the depth to which I love his guy. That in itself causes problems all the time. I try hard to keep him on the ground here with me instead of putting him up on that lofty pedestal that we both know he doesn't belong on. But for so many reasons, M
is my hero, my inspiration...I wanted to be his. That's pretty egotistical and petty of me I know, but I can admit it here to get it off my chest. Sure, maybe that was wrong of me and set me up for disapointment, but honestly, don't we all want our significant other to love us the way we love them?
As far as attractive...well I won't go on and on about his great looks and body cuz its not just ladies reading this. LOL but of course I was/am physical attracted to him.
Now look at why he was attracted to you. Why did he find you attractive? What was it in your personality that he liked? What were the things he did not like and thought he could change?
I don't know! LoL I guess I'm a "hottie" in his eyes (I sure wish I could see myself through those eyes sometimes! LoL). I think he feels younger when he's with me, I am only a few years younger, but sometimes it seems that he has an old soul. (that is a good thing most of the time). I think he likes that I am trying to understand him, I don't know.
So when you guy is stoic and shut off, remember that it in not ONLY PTSD acting there. It is more-than-likely his entire upbringing AND his biology. He may be trying to break out of it, but he also may not. Either way, it is not a switch that can be flicked on and off.
I am realizing that as much as I wish it was just an on/off switch, its more like a dimmer switch, sometimes lights are full on and its bright and cheery and open and sometimes its dark and gloomy and closed off. I wish I know how to grease up that switch so it was easier to go from dark to light.
You have to learn how to identify when he is shutting down, then not push him. Give him SOME space, but also to be strong about it. Don't let him push you around. Don't let him completely shut out. Let him know you care (and he does know already).
For me it was like taming a wild animal. Talks softly, leave little bits of food out, and eventually it will come over. Keep doing it and trust begins to form. Keep on doing it and it moves in and takes over your bed!
I actaully talked to him about this today. I told him that without being able to see him (like I said we don't live together) its hard for me to see his moods in his texts, I can pick them up pretty well by his voice but he needs to work with me more. Sometimes the littlest things piss him right off, the very same things that he was totally forgiving of or didn't even notice the day before, its hard to know. Its ok for him to tell me he needs "me time" and space, but he just needs to be kind about it and not hurtful.
Its hard to let him know that I care without showing him love. Does that make sense? I wish he had a buddy that he could talk to, he has alot of friends but no one close. His divorce was messy and the truth is it was his fault, he messed up (bad) and he lost the life he had for 10 years when he was divorced. Everyone makes mistakes, I try not to hold people's mistakes against them, because I hate when people do that to me. hmmmm...I'm lost, oh yeah...I wish that he had a buddy to talk to about this stuff but he doesn't really and his NG unit is deployed and he's in the rear-det with the soldiers that just got back from Iraq a few months ago...he hasn't been there in like 5 years, but (unfortunately) not much has changed. I keep encouraging him to talk to those guys because some of them have already been diagoised with PTSD, but he is a SGT (and half the time the NCOIC) and isn't comfortable talking too much about things like this with his buddies because they are lower ranked then he is. I guess it makes sense, even though they are not going to fight together, he still needs to be seen as totally in control and command. I told him that maybe once he goes to therapy, he can help them more (some of the really need it, even more than him)...he loves helping others, maybe that is the key. I think that one reason the Vets here are so open is because often it helps them see things they didn't see, or want to admit to before.
