Relationship Emotional numbing/flatness

[RRT13]

For those who are sufferers when you are feeling emotionally numb or flat do you still want to be reminded you're cared for and loved by your supporter?

 

[MrMoonlight]

I'm sure everyone is different but simple reminders from time to time for me would be important and welcomed. As long as it wasn't intrusive or excessive.

 

[Freida]

Interesting timing....

This should be such an easy question - and yet this is where I'm at this morning and....

Yes -- tell me you love me, even when my brain is eating itself. It makes me feel like less of a failure

No -- Leave me alone - I feel guilty enough without you reminding me that you love me -- which reminds me that I'm dragging you into hell with me...

Sorry -- best I can come up with right now

 

[RRT13]

@Freida

Im not sure this is what we're going through right now. Feb was really stressful for him and me. Lots of stressors he went through he would tell me about. Valentines began what Im thinking is maybe depression when he said he missed the military and didnt feel right around his family. Havent heard I love you since then. Lots of push/pull and warm more than hot and lots of cold.
I'm initating the talking everyday but always simple and positive. Lately as long as we don't talk anything remotely close to an emotion or feeling hes all about it. Im supposed to visit him next few days and we havent seen each other since end of Jan.
I told him friday night I missed him and he didnt respond. So I asked if I should chill out on telling him that I love and miss him and he said no he was good. So I told him well I do love and miss ya! And he just replies with a smiley emoji and says he knows.
So im wondering if its emotional flatness hes going through or what? We dont fight, argue, never say lets break up. But I def feel the distance and coldness.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Yes, I'm totally fine with it and really appeciate it but understand that's numb and can't give it back. But, I always welcome any amount of "I love you" and/or "I care about you" at anytime to be honest! But, to be made to feel guilty because I cant give it back at that time is where I have issues. So, as long as you understand I will remaind cold, distant, and flat and you totally accept that and don't take it personal then I'm cool with it.

And I dispise Valentines Day and feel it is a stupid and pointless "holiday".

ETA: Since this is addressing sufferers, would this be better in the sufferer area? You may get more replies over there. Just a thought.

 

[Freida]

It's hard to explain ( or maybe hard because I"m in it right now?)

So I asked if I should chill out on telling him that I love and miss him and he said no he was good. So I told him well I do love and miss ya! And he just replies with a smiley emoji and says he knows.

This makes perfect sense to me.....

Hubby says I "check out" when I get flat. I'm still there, I'm receptive to what he is saying, its nice if he is holding my hand or tells me he loves me. But at the same time it doesn't take much to make me back away from him. I think that's avoiding my guilt about what I bring to the relationship? Or maybe that I just can't dig up the energy to be a more interested part of it right now?

It doesn't mean I don't want to. I just cant access those emotions. I think that's what supporters feel as cold and distant

numb means you don't feel ANYTHING. So its hard when people say they love you, or they care for you, or they miss you. It's like it doesn't register. Same with I hate you or you make me angry. Nada. There are only surface emotions

If he isolated in Feb it would make sense he is in a flat phase. Isolation is hard. Very, very hard. So it takes a while to regroup and get back to "normal" afterwards. It usually takes me a couple weeks.

 

[RRT13]

We're long distance which makes it more complicated. Is it his emotional flatness or loss of interest. If it was someone else he's interested in I dont think he'd agree to let me visit this week and still agree to go on our cruise in May. I wanna believe with all the stressors hes been through in Feb its the first. I think I made a list a few weeks back of atleast 10 things that had happened and could be also stressors for him.
Im backing off and just keeping it positive. No trying to get emotional with him. I myself have my own stress, anxiety and somewhat shutdown thinking about my ex deploying end of next month.
I won't turn my back on my vet. I feel like he trusts me and maybe I'm his safe person so I will continue to love and trust and stick by him.

 

[RRT13]

@Freida
I think I can relate to the numbness at times. Losing a 4 yr old sister when I was 13 I tend to act numb when I hear of people I know passing. Sometimes I can feel and be sad, like when I lose someone who works in Law Enforcement with me. Other times I dont feel a thing when someone I know passes. Is it a coping or defense mechanism? As i never had counseling for my sister. Just dealt with it a times when I could.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

It usually takes me a couple weeks.

It's taken me over a month and a half and I am still there. I isolated all December, even from here. It was a hard one. Hardest so far. And then on my way back here I caused some waves just simply due to being reactive and sort of "sore" if you will. Very quick to bite if you will. And I'm medicated with 200mg Seriquel XR for unregulated emotions and still was very reactive. Symptomatic I suppose. I'm still that way in real life now having a hard time leveling my anxiety at work and at night. I go in and out of numbness. More in then out. But when it's veil lifts look out! Then it's shut again. I have zero control over it. Something will spark that veil to lift and holy hell does the emotions go crazy. Then I shut down again. But still trying to come back from the isolation.

When I am numb I don't feel anything either. No emotions at all. So I can see him saying "i know you do" as rationally he knows it but at the moment can't feel it.

And many times I don't want to be touch either and will push someone away as I cannot stand to be touched or will be just there, almost like holding a dead person. Certianly not giving anything back because I can't feel it. I can't help it. And I can't control it.

 

[RRT13]

If he would just give me warning Id be very patient. Ive got thick skin. We both arent the best at communicating. We started getting close in January and was in the honeymoon phase. If this is the next chapter, the other real part of him Im here to stick and stay. Ive already told him through out our 6 months Im here for the highs and lows.

 

[Freida]

Is it a coping or defense mechanism?

Yep - because the emotions/memories are too strong to deal with. So you go the other way...you shut down.
LE/911/Fire do the same thing --- during the emergency you shut it all down and do what you need to do. And then you come back to life after its over. With PTSD you don't always come back like you should -- so it sits in your head and bangs on your brain until you shut it down again

If he would just give me warning Id be very patient.

I know when I'm going to flatline when an anniversary is coming up - because it is the same time frame every year and I know what is causing it. This one I'm in right now? No idea where it came from. It was just there. I didn't get any warning - at all. And once you go numb its really hard to care about explaining

 

[RRT13]

We're pretty robotic in law enforcement. Looking back to days of patrol, narc and mostly dispatch all the traumatic calls we just blocked out. No time to really acknowledge what we just witnessed. Learn to be emotionally numb guess as a way we protect ourselves.