Emotionally Freezing In Relationship

[Dee Morris]

I feel like I'm so damaged that anyone good isn't going to want me and anyone that wants me isn't any good. So I push them away before they have a chance to either reject me or let me down in some other way. I recently pushed away a fantastic guy AGAIN after a year and a half. Everything was fine for 6 months, then as soon as I realized I was falling in love with him, I started pushing him away by accusing him of only being interested in me for sex and some other terrible things that I didn't mean. He's come back to me twice since I started doing this but I'm afraid I pushed him away for good this time and it breaks my heart because I DO love him and feel like he could be a positive force in my life. I get angry with him for ignoring me when the reality is that for his own preservation, I require that of him. I have literally messaged him begging him to tell me goodbye and he refuses to do it. He simply doesn't respond, then a couple of months go by, we are pulled together again, I feel even more attached and emotional for and about him & the cycle starts over again. I'm so determined that he doesn't want me that I push him away before he has the power to hurt me with that rejection for real.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think you may want to reassess your assumption that your symptoms are causing a gentle person to become so angry.

There are literally TONS of stories about women who married men only to discover after the wedding that these men were in fact abusive. Abusive men are VERY good at luring women in under a guise and then not showing their true selves until much much later, sometimes not until years into the relationship.

I just don't want to see you take the blame for his actions.

 

[LilBit]

I believe Solara is right. My husband is like she says. No one had a clue what he could be like. You never know till you live with someone. He has a very very low tolerance for frustration. No skills to cope with anger or frustration. Verbally abusive and physically abusive. This sounds like something you really should pay close attention to, throwing anything when he is frustrated is just the beginning. It may very well be your first sign that he does not have good coping skills with frustration and anger. And PTSD requires the patience of Job, not someone who cannot even deal with minor normal stuff.

 

[ms spock]

I feel terribly that my PTSD is causing such a gentle person to have a fit like this. I've known him for years before dating and I've never seen this.

He chose to have that reaction.

The first step towards an emotionally abusive relationship is to start blaming yourself for his behaviour.

 

[MSMiller]

Here are my thoughts as a supporter. I doubt he is abusive. He seems to be frustrated and unsure of what he can do to help you.

If you all are friends first then you will be able to over come this. Seek counseling to help him understand what you are going through as well as your improvements. Let him in... Let him understand and make a balanced decision about being with you.

The behaviors you are both showing would be hard for anyone to cope with. Between your freezing and his tantrums you all need to use your tools (language skills) to better navigate any type of future with our without the other. To be a part of a relationship you may need to work on yourself more before adding him or anyone into your life.

Find your peace!

 

[MSMiller]

At Ms Spock: When giving advise remember that what may be minor to you may be great to someone else.

We all come with different coping skills. This person may not be able to handle the responsibility of being with someone who has PTSD but doesn't mean they are showing signs of a larger deeper issue. These instances are clearly major events to him and he has issues with verbalizing his concerns. She has admitted that in the last 4 months she has shut down at least once a month and adds other doubtful behavior and damaging statements to him regarding his commitment. Anyone reaches their fill and he may have had his. He is entitled to blow off steam just sad that it was not done in a more constructive manner.

 

[Rumors]

At Ms Spock: When giving advise remember that what may be minor to you may be great to someone else.

@MSMiller When giving advise remember that what may be minor to you may be great to someone else. ;)

 

[MSMiller]

True ...Thanks! I just needed to express the need for balance in the advise column. Some of the post seemed to make it seem like he was a horrible guy for finally loosing his patience. I am not saying it was right but lets not put him in the damaged pile marked NO REPAIR possible.

It is hard to understand and it won't happen over night and they will have many set backs. Everyone needs to understadd they have to keep working on things between them also be willing to walk away if it is repairable.

 

[ms spock]

At Ms Spock: When giving advise remember that what may be minor to you may be great to someone else.

This is true.

 

[Rumors]

@MSMiller no question he shouldn't be put into an unfixable pile, however I think the issue still stands with if this guy is good for Unfreezing. Perhaps they may not be good for each other, but since he isn't posting here and she is, my advice is still to determine what is good for her and make good choices on her own behalf. ;)

 

[unfreezing]

Thanks for all of your thoughtful advice. He is not interested in learning about PTSD. I did tell him I had it and vaguely the cause. I said I would be happy to answer any questions and be active with him. And that I am very active at improving myself and take full responsibility.

He doesn't ask any questions and gets angry if he sees behaviors he doesn't understand and takes it back out on me. Then he says its probably PTSD, but I can't be your therapist. If he could even understand some things that trigger me it would help.

 

[Lina007]

Maybe it's not that you have PTSD, but rather he is just a self-centered person who wouldn't be very good in a relationship even if you didn't have PTSD?