Emptiness

[Seneca]

Kind of a depressing title, I know.

Long story short, I am still VERY much in the beginnings of understanding myself and my problems. A few weeks ago I survived an "attempt" and was admitted to a psych hospital. There, I was diagnosed with PTSD.

Now, there have been times in my life where I was utterly convinced I had this condition. I do have flashbacks, nightmares, selective amnesia, and hypervigilance. I am probably just trying to downplay things by not accepting the diagnosis.

But I also feel like some of it might just be me. Maybe I'm bipolar or have BPD. Help me out by reading my symptoms and telling me if these could be explained better by Borderline, or C-PTSD (which is what I have if I have PTSD).

1. Several ODs in the past two years, all involving legal substances. Frequent use of drugs with the intention of self-discovery, rather than just wanting to get high.

2. Frequent identity alteration, hearing inaudible voices from different parts of myself. Not sure who the "real me" is. Frequent changes in sexual identity.

3. Chronic feeling of emptiness ever since my crisis of faith 5 years ago. I've been faking it ever since then. I honestly can't see a purpose in life. I have no motivation to do ANYTHING, even basic self-care.

4. Since my hospitalization, a constant aversion to being alone.

5. CONSTANT feeling of detachment from myself. Like a part of my soul is missing and I can't go on with my life until I get it back. This feeling of loss drives every decision I make.

I have a tendency to rationalize every feeling or emotion I have, when in reality there's not always a concrete cause. So maybe I imagined the whole PTSD thing to explain these things?

 

[cherryblossom]

It's really not wise to self-diagnose, or ask other people to diagnose you. That is what the Psych doctors are for. No-one here can really give you an idea of what you are suffering from, diagnosis wise. Perhaps it would be more productive to learn all that you can about PTSD, since this is what the doctors have diagnosed you with. I hope you are still getting support from the psychs or therapists etc. Also it might be worth not worrying about what 'label' to give to yourself, or what others may place on you, and concentrate on how you are feeling, and how you might be able to work on feeling better. It sounds like you are are having a rough time. I hope you find the strength and resolve to make improvements, and move forward on the long road to recovery/ healing.

 

[KatB]

I am still VERY much in the beginnings of understanding myself and my problems...

3. Chronic feeling of emptiness ever since my crisis of faith 5 years ago. I've been faking it ever since then. I honestly can't see a purpose in life. I have no motivation to do ANYTHING, even basic self-care.

4. Since my hospitalization, a constant aversion to being alone.

5. CONSTANT feeling of detachment from myself. Like a part of my soul is missing and I can't go on with my life until I get it back. This feeling of loss drives every decision I make.

I have a tendency to rationalize every feeling or emotion I have, when in reality there's not always a concrete cause...

I can relate to you, it's not even funny. Seriously, I dont even know how to write this out. I can relate to the deep feelings of emptiness. I have felt like this for a couple of years also due to my crisis in faith and broken family. When I moved back home this year, everything became full-blown and forget it...:facepalm: I have a huge identity crisis in where I dont recognize who I am anymore. I've always been kind of a loner but not to the extreme until this year. Numero 5 is EXACTLY the way I have been lately. I have come to believe that maybe a part of it has been because of my chronic insomnia but also, because a lot of the dysfunction that has been part of my life has made me detach myself from my emotions. I can't explain it.


Can I share something with you? These last couple of days have been traumatic in that, I literally feel like I am just floating and I don't know how to cope with my emotions. I am also, like you said, starting to look into myself but I can't take the facts in. My parents, more like my mother, showed me with her actions that she disowned me; she cares more about her son's reputation and problems than the well-being of her daughter. I have this lingering feeling that all my life,all I have ever wanted to do was to please my mother and be the best daughter for her, meanwhile she makes me feel like the worst daughter alive. I've always cared for those around me; I extend my soul to those around me and I feel like I got the worst side of everything. Sigh. I don't know how to look at God and myself when I know that none of the things I went through is my fault but those most closest to me are not afraid to let their true colors show...

 

[Privateer]

5. CONSTANT feeling of detachment from myself. Like a part of my soul is missing and I can't go on with my life until I get it back. This feeling of loss drives every decision I make.

Okay, this is really dependent on your belief system, but...maybe part of your soul is missing?

The way people like me see the world, that can happen when a person is traumatised, but is easily enough fixed if you find someone who knows what they're doing. Maybe if you do some research on 'soul loss' and 'soul retrieval'?

As I say, though, it all depends on what you believe in.

 

[KatB]

Okay, this is really dependent on your belief system, but...maybe part of your soul is missing?

The way people like me see the world, that can happen when a person is traumatised, but is easily enough fixed if you find someone who knows what they're doing. Maybe if you do some research on 'soul loss' and 'soul retrieval'?

:O_o: Hmmm. Interesting. I know that trauma is bad and it affects the person, more ways than one. I didnt think of it as "soul loss".

 

[Hashi]

I think trauma is a wound to the soul, and personally I believe that we each have to call our own spirit back - but my belief is that this is something we have to do ourselves. Other people might use different words, like reclaiming themselves or becoming a whole person again.

So I do understand this but I can't agree about it being easily enough fixed if you find someone who knows what they're doing. How can you know whether they know what they're doing, or if what they're doing is right for you? How can someone else find/fix your soul? In my view, the process of me doing this for myself was a large part of the healing.

I'd caution against seeking help from someone else with it, other than accredited psychotherapists - and some psychotherapists do work with spiritual aspects, for example transpersonal therapists in the UK. Other than this, there are all kinds of people out there practising all kinds of things, maybe right for you and maybe dangerous for you. PTSD isn't something to take chances with, and our judgement isn't likely to be good when we feel lost and overwhelmed.

Kat, I'm sorry for what you're going through. This can be a long journey. I really sympathise with having a crisis of identity and faith. Do you have someone solid and dependable you can talk to and get support from? A therapist, someone in your faith group, a friend?

 

[InHell11]

I experience emptiness quite often, it seems even on the good days when I am able to at least remain content most of the day the emptiness seems inescapable. It's like the kind that can never be removed and it often feels most people can't understand that. Though I don't really hope for others to have to experience what that feels like...maybe sometimes I envy those who are ignorant about such things since they maybe never had to go through feeling like that them self. Though I certainly can not claim to know what anyone else experiences or doesn't experience.

 

[Moonkindredlass]

Cherryblossom you're awesome.