Relationship Enabling?

[Brown Eyes]

Giving him the lead in our journey is what I promised him I'd do from the beginning. Am I enabling him or setting his recovery back by not expressing my frustrations when they happen? He always thanks me for making him aware of his actions by asking why am I picking a fight? He asks me 50 questions then we laugh and agree its not so bad. He's very patient...I am not.

 

[Sighs]

The difficulty with this approach is that as your relationship progresses you will find it harder and harder to suppress your frustrations. No-one can do it forever. Supporters have wants, needs and feelings too.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

as your relationship progresses you will find it harder and harder to suppress your frustrations.

Definitely! 5 months is still relatively new. You seem to be quite passive and taking the cues and disappointments quietly.

True. You can't go in and assume that over time he'll change. He may well, but you can't base all your hopes and expectations on that.

As a sufferer myself, depending on what my personal triggers are, the more time I have to follow through on a plan that is threatening to me, the more anticipatory anxiety builds. I spend more energy trying to psych myself to go then enjoy it when I get there.

Doesn't mean that going on your own is something you should never do. Don't settle. Rather continue with what you're doing and learn more about PTSD and relationships in general.

You may be quite the catch ;)

 

[Brown Eyes]

The difficulty with this approach is that as your relationship progresses you will find it harder and har...

Yes we do have feelings, needs and wants. I do know that I cannot change anybody and I would never want to...just myself, if I choose.
Thank you stp2012 for sharing your perspective on the triggers and what may be going on in hopes of following thru with plans. I had no idea. Education will be my journey and I will continue to learn for my own good.
I have a full life and will continue to go forward but will always make myself available for him on a moments notice. He means that much to me!
A good catch? I think so...;)

 

[Never_falter2]

I did not read everything. My apologies if I am being way off.

I think somewhere you wrote about him promising him to takeou to a fair and then not taking you.

This has happened to me just so often. Fairs are a trigger to my guy but I did not know it... and he did not tell me. Yes, illogical, but that is how some men are.

So what happened. He promised me to take me to a fair and I am sure he wanted to do it... but then he just started feeling so frightened out of his wits about the fair that he could not take me.

And he did not communicate that very well.

It could be something deeper or he is just being flake.

 

[Brown Eyes]

Yes...thus was the Fair that he escaped to as a child. All good memories as far as he expressed. Wanting to show me his childhood memories was how he explained it to me. I had gotten him to the place where he was ready to take me to the Fair....daytime only. Somehow I am passively helping him by just being me? Happy go lucky, relaxed, comfortable everyday. Not a hard task when I'm with sometime I really really care about.
As far as bring scared to return? I would have had no idea since he suggested we go. The fair ends in a few days...so there's still that remote chance he'll take me.

 

[Friday]

I could be wrong... But I don't think a person can really enable symptoms. The same way they can't fix symptoms. And aren't responsible for symptoms. They can enable bad behavior, but bad behavior isn't a symptom.

To use your example:

If (he's canceling because) he's too stressed to go? That's symptomatic.
If he's being a dick about it? That's bad behavior.

To use one of my fav examples, ever: (illustrating what happens when people try treating symptoms like bad behavior, and why that doesn't work).
http://i.huffpost.com/gen/2271298/thumbs/o-ROBOT-HUGS-570.jpg?6

***

Another way to think on it?

6 diabetics are sitting at your dining room table. You serve each of them a piece of cake.

Does Not Eat Cake
1. Oh! Sorry, I can't eat this, but thank you! :D
2. You f*cking bitch! How dare you serve me cake! Use your brain! :mad:

Eats Cake
3. Thanks! ... And having planned in advance for cake has modded their diet, and brought along extra insulin, suffers few/no ill effects whatsoever.
4. Thanks! ... And not having planned on it, still goes about things as responsibly as possible.
5. Thanks! ...And ends up in the hospital. Again.

Is Convinced/Forced To Eat Cake

6. Only after you have teased, begged, guilt tripped, manipulated, and otherwise pressured them... OR... After you have held a gun to their head, after you hid the pulverized cake in their bitter veggies whilst lying to them about what's in the dish, etc.

***

Okay! So which is your fault? Only #6, right? That's the only one you're responsible for. All the rest? Is ENTIRELY ABOUT THEM & THEIR CHOICES. Their behavior. Their choices.

Okay... Now which of the 6 do you have any control over their pancreas? None, right? And neither do they. They each choose to deal with the effects of pancreas in their own way, and some are going to be better at it than others, but neither you, nor they, can have a stern talk (nor reward, nor punish, nor in any other way manipulate) their pancreas into producing the right amount of insulin to be able to eat cake without any ill effects. In NONE of these examples does your enabling cake, or withholding cake, in any way affect their diabetes.

So when you're asking about "enabling", like the cartoon linked above, (or my piece of cake example) one has to be pretty clear about what's behavior & what's illness. You can enable behavior, but not illnesses/injuries/symptoms. And, at the end of the day, their behavior? Is still their own darn responsibility.

 

[dulcia]

F*cking beautiful explanation, @Friday. No other way to say it.

 

[Buttercup]

Love that illustration @Friday !

 

[Brown Eyes]

I agree...a beautiful explanation of enabling and an illness.
Still the grey area being...I am told that after these months with me that I have helped him soooo much.
To my knowledge, I've done nothing but be 'me'? He took me to new restaurants, new places in nature, shopping, coffee, even a planned overnight for his birthday, to meet family and friends.
Come to find out that all of these things, places caused him much fear grief and anxiety. But he did them and continued to do them. I got the impression that he feels he was making progress? Until he realized that I was aware of his PTSD, totally by mistake I sent a text to him, that for my eyes only. Hearing me acknowledge that PTSD was why most plans fell thru etc. was not a good thing.
Since then, two weeks ago, I find myself being overly cautious about my requests, wishes, wants and needs. Are those cautious behaviors detrimental to him when he just wants to be 'NORMAL?" (his statement)

 

[Sweetpea76]

Don't tiptoe around his PTSD. Just relax. Make your plans, just don't set them in concrete. "Go with the flow" more and it is less disappointing.

You may have to switch restaurants or bypass something last minute. Learn to be OK with that. If the goal is spending time with him, then even watching movies at home will be great. If the event is important, learn to go by yourself if he can't manage.

It's hard not to just see PTSD at first when you realize how much it effects your relationship. He's not PTSD, he's your guy who has PTSD. It's just something you have to work around.

 

[Never_falter2]

I like to compare this with a guy who has a bad leg and sometimes it's better, sometimes it's worse. So he cannot know what he will be able to do that day.