Ending Therapy?

[Jane.l]

@scout I love dogs :) What breed are they?

'No one is replaceable' I actually find that very refreshing in this disposable world - and it's true.

My T is actually very good when he gets it 'wrong' - he always apologises and admits his mistakes.

I am wondering if some of these problems may come about because our T's are male? I know that sounds ridiculously sexist but ...
Maybe that's why sometimes they don't forsee the hurt they are going to do in quite the way we would, in a lot of the misunderstandings we have my T just doesn't realise that 'things' would upset me. Don't get me wrong I much prefer having a male T - and just having random thoughts - as I do ;)

Was going to write some more but my battery is dying and I am out - will get back to you later. :hug:

 

[joeylittle]

I am wondering if some of these problems may come about because our T's are male? I know that sounds ridiculously sexist but ...
Maybe that's why sometimes they don't forsee the hurt they are going to do in quite the way we would, in a lot of the misunderstandings we have my T just doesn't realise that 'things' would upset me. Don't get me wrong I much prefer having a male T - and just having random thoughts - as I do ;)

Just wanted to say this has come up in therapy for me pretty often lately. Not so much that as a guy he can't understand my emotional logic - but more that there are many things that are just different when you walk through the world as a man. Before he became a therapist, he was a male in a male-dominated industry. I'm a female in a male-dominated industry. And even though he and I are alot alike when it comes to our "work personas", there are things that affect me negatively that he doesn't know to consider. Like, when I'm just direct with people I work with, 50% of the time I will be perceived as a "ball-buster". And 90% of the time if the person I'm dealing with is a man my age or older. it's not just work, it's stuff about children, marriage, expectations of ourselves. Sometimes I just need to say to him, "you think that way because your experience the world as a man, not as a woman." To his credit, when I'm right, he agrees.

We have kind of an interesting relationship. In some ways, it seems like we're a lot alike. On the other hand, I don't think I've ever spent so much time talking to someone who's both smart and thoughtful and yet comes at things from a completely different, often incomprehensible direction than I do. Sometimes that seems to make communicati

Me too, 1000%. I think that's actually why I feel worse, sometimes, when he can't "intuit" how I'm feeling. And of course, all that's going on is that I haven't told him (like you wrote, above) and he's being great about not jumping to conclusions (something we do NOT have in common).

Thanks for your thread - it's really helping me sort some stuff out. I've been having experiences consistently lately where I perceive that my therapist doesn't get it, or get me, or isn't hearing me, or something. I'm trying to sort out what I want from him and whether it's realistic to want/expect whatever it is I'm wanting that I can't identify...Anyway, your thread is helping me a great deal, so thank you.

 

[scout86]

I have Winnie, a 13 year old English Bulldog (who belonged to my deceased ex-husband. Long story!) and Pilgrim, a 12 year old Border Collie/ Great Pyrenees cross. Kind of "the odd couple", but great company!

I'm not sure about the gender thing. It's a thought! But, over the years, my closest friends and confidants have been male and I THINK they'd get this. One of them is still alive & I'm going to visit him & his wife the end of this month, I might ask him. (It just dawned on me that "one of them is still alive" probably sounds a bit strange. LOL)

Something I've noticed, though, is that, near as I can tell, many of the people I end up deciding I can trust either have PTSD, or have some "PTSDish" tendencies. I find that kind of interesting. We sort of have a similar "road map of reality", as my T likes to say. The friend I just mentioned has never been diagnosed with anything, far as I know, and has never sought therapy, but he supported my decision to do so and keeps asking how it's going. I know enough about his childhood to know it was a lot like mine.... We've sort of, without saying so, agreed not to talk about stuff, at least so far. The closest we've come to have a serious conversation about this (other than him grabbing me by the arm and dragging me into the office to yell "You need to STOP this!" when I ran off the rails) was a chat about 9/11. We were both surprised to hear that people were surprised to learn that "the world isn't a safe place". One of us said, "They thought there's a such thing as 'safe'?". We looked at each other and burst out laughing.

@joeylittle , you bring up some good points on the gender thing too. I had another good friend, male, who I once told, "You know, I actually feel sorry for you, growing up white, male, and American, because there's a lot of stuff you just plain have trouble getting!" One of the things we found valuable about our friendship, I think, was that we COULD share those different perspectives. We both listened, we both learned. Sadly, he's NOT around anymore. PTSD.....

I'm glad you're finding stuff useful here! I sure have and I can remember a couple of your threads that I got a lot out of too. Both of you! I'm wishing we could get together for coffee......... :)

 

[Jane.l]

@scout86 your dogs sound lovely :)

@joeylittle really good points on the gender thing and I get the frustration when your T can't mind read and you think they should be able to damn them !!

I too am generally more comfortable in male company. I think @scout86 that if you explain your situation to a man from your perspective he will 100% get it and be as peed off about it as we are but I also think from a neutral position he may not see the problem occurring in quite the same way we would - I think that's what I was trying to say ?! I am sure your T will get it - I would just love to know his rational behind his thinking. Use your horse analogy on him - that was good.

We've done some bits in therapy about just accepting that maybe it's ok to be a bit different and maybe some of the stuff I beat myself up about is just the way I am and that's ok - sometimes that feels like he is saying that he doesn't have a hope in hell of fixing all of me - so we'll just have to live with some of it - actually that is exactly what he is saying doh ! Not sure how I feel about that .

Coffee would be nice ;)

 

[scout86]

actually that is exactly what he is saying doh

Actually, I'm NOT sure that's what he's saying. My T has said somewhat the same thing, but he's a bit eccentric himself and he usually says "People like us...." He (and maybe this is the plan) gives me the impression that he thinks most of my quirks are just fine. As long as they aren't causing me trouble. He says that I've "somehow managed to escape nearly all stereotypes", for example, and seems to think that's fine. Now, maybe that's just him, trying to build my self esteem, but he seems pretty sincere. A couple weeks ago, I said something, rather sadly, about being "different". He laughed and said, "You say that like it's a BAD thing!" He, apparently, doesn't think it is.

@Jane.l , it's my personal opinion that he means what he says and that there are a lot of your "differences" that are really fine and make you the unique and valuable person that you are.

BTW, I did give him the horse analogy and ended with "Does that make a connection on your end?" I'll let you know what he says. :)

 

[scout86]

So, here's what he said.

Well, first, we don't have a specific plan yet. I told him that I was aware that I had the option of quitting therapy completely or trying to find someone else to work with, but that I wasn't totally happy with either of those. He said that he works with people from all over and does Skype and email etc. After we talked a bit, I pointed out that there actually IS a road between my house and the area he's planning on being. He agreed. I go down that way a couple times a month for meetings anyway and he mentioned we could set something up on the same days. So far so good.

He said that he's relocated a few times since he started in practice and that he's thought about how he brings it up with people and tries to match the technique to the client. He said that sometimes he makes mistakes. (Ya think?!) In my case, he wanted me to have time to think about what I wanted to do. Would you believe that the reason he didn't mention I could keep working with him is that he was worried that he might pressure me into making a choice I didn't really want to make????????? Seriously! I never, in 100 million years would have thought of that! I told him that too. I told him that I got hung up worrying about what it meant that he HADN'T mentioned the option of continuing to work together and that I wanted to be sure I wasn't pressuring HIM into doing something he didn't want to do. He laughed. Said not to worry about that, he's pretty good at taking care of himself.

He went on to say that he didn't mean to come across as callused, that he thought what we were doing was important, that I was important, and that not only was it ok if I thought that too, I was supposed to think that.

But, seriously? He was worried about influencing my decision? He, what? Didn't want me to stick with him just because I felt sorry for him? I suppose, in some cases, clients might feel somehow pressured. In my case, and I'm guessing many here feel the same way, I was an awful lot more worried about being rejected (again) than I was worried about "How am I going to tell him I don't want to keep working with him?" Once again, life demonstrates that there are a lot of ways of looking at things and I clearly can't come up with them all!