Ending Therapy

[UnicornSightings]

So I can't say goodbye. I won't. I plan on just not showing up tomorrow. Yes, it's a dick move but I can't email her and cancel yet AGAIN and she does know what's going on. The transference is insane. I'm so attached to her. It isn't healthy. She will never give a shit about me. After she last said I could potentially leave in 6 weeks if I wanted to the pain has been unreal. I'm devastated that she thinks I'm ready to go and convinced she doesn't want me there. This is all childhood crap and is completely irrational (and I'm so rationally normally). I've fallen back into drinking to help me deal with what I'm feeling. Trying not to COMPLETELY back peddle but I'm not doing ok. Could really use some love and not judgment if anyone has some to spare. Thank you!

 

[Bananie]

Every time I wanted to just abandon therapy, I would think, well that's not really fair to T, he's invested in this too. I should at least give him the courtesy of ending it in person. So I'd go to my next appointment, and realize, I didn't really want to quit. 'Cause I was definitely attached. And that was super uncomfortable to realize. Embarrassing. Annoying. WHY, out of everybody in this world, do I have to feel attached to someone who from the start is in my life for a limited time? And this was all new. I've walked away from other therapists and counselors abruptly, so to actually stop and think of it from their side, I think, kind of shows growth, which probably came from good therapy. I wanted to actually see things through, instead of quitting because it got hard, or I got scared.
My t recently ended things with no warning, by phone. And I really wish that it had ended normally. So, I would vote for not just walking away. Give both of you a chance at a good end. I think therapists DO care. They wouldn't go into the profession if they didn't. They're just also trained, and then get used to, ending relationships. it doesn't have anything to do with us, and yet it has everything to do with us. Therapy is just weird.
Good luck and love to you :) :) :)

 

[UnicornSightings]

Every time I wanted to just abandon therapy, I would think, well that's not really fair to T, he's inve...

I went and she didn't show up. I went with the intention of making it work for awhile longer but wow. If this isn't a sign from the Universe, I don't know what is... :(

 

[Bananie]

ouch :( Sorry :( :( :(

 

[Justmehere]

That sucks. Did she offer a chance to reschedule?

Transference is hella painful, but it can be incredibly healing to work through it. It's really quite common. Positive transference like what you describe usually happens when someone provides something that we have needed for a long time, but didn't get until now. Sometimes positive transference can also happen if we are trying to resolve an old pain and someone in our lives reminds us of that old pain, and so we are drawn to them in order to try to fix it.

I worked through feeling super attached to a therapist before, and it was really helpful.

When it was over, the goodbye left me feeling more whole, not less whole, for the first time in my life. I missed her but I missed her in a way that was really... different... it's so hard to explain.

If this therapist is willing to work it through with you, try to go. The therapist not being there today might be the universe telling you to stick it out, you have work to do.

No matter what, kudos to you for being brave enough to go to the appointment. :hug:

 

[greysky]

I can relate in every way. Even with the drinking which brings it's own avoidance set of problems. It hurts so bad, it does feel insane. I always feel this deep shame at "needing" care or wanting care and then deep fear when I start to feel care and trust. It is so crazy and awful. Wow can't believe she didn't show up. How chaotic. Hang in there! I would vote for sticking it out and trying to work through all the horrible alarming feelings you are having. If it can't be done, if she really doesn't give a shit, if she is a bad T, a bad person, then somehow leave. It's ok to just not show up. Do what you need to do to take care of you.

 

[UnicornSightings]

That sucks. Did she offer a chance to reschedule?

Transference is hella painful, but it can be incr...

Ended up being a mistake on her part and we are good. Have a session tomorrow morning. The feelings have changed yet again. It was anger with bouts of hurt then grief then agonizing emotional pain and feeling unwanted and now I'm back to all warm and fuzzy feelings for her. This would be fascinating if it was happening to someone else...

I do have an appt with someone who specializes in brainspotting. I don't know why. I can't afford both and I can't leave my current T without me heart shattering for forever lol.

I'm smart. I get this. I get why. I can see it pretty clearly when I am out of the transference fog but IN IT?! I'm an irrational, emotional, immature wreck...

 

[UnicornSightings]

I can relate in every way. Even with the drinking which brings it's own avoidance set of problems. It hurts so bad, it...

2 bottles of vodka in the past 3 weeks.... I have NOT handled this well. At all. I don't usually drink much. She had misread my email and it really was an honest mistake, her not showing up. She actually thought I would let her know when I wanted to talk again and that kind of sucks because if that's what she thought I meant then it hurts she's so casual with it. Like "I'll be here!" and not "please come see me so we can talk. I care for you and we can work on this" and some more embarrassing ooey gooey things I wish she would say. And I get why she doesn't. It has to be my decision. Everything has to be my decision there without her burdening me with her emotions. But all I care about sometimes is her emotions. I'm sure she has to be careful with me to keep those boundaries since I come trained as a kid to care for my mom's feelings and not my own.

Anyway! We are meeting in the morning and I'm soooooooo excited to see her!!! I love when I think she can do no wrong. Still not in line with reality but feels way better than the agony I've been suffering when I've assumed she hates me.