Enjoying Activities - Something Is Missing

[LaurenRose]

I was talking to my therapist last week and had a difficult emotional session. I was in rough shape when I was ready to leave her office. One of the things she had suggested I focus on for the week was enjoying activities that I like to do. My troubles are this.

One is that I am having a formidable challenge to try and figure out what it is I like. A lot of my "likes" and "dislikes" were based on the likes and dislikes of those around me. It is part of the programing of that oppression world some of us know so well. I am faced with the exploration of each "like", checking it out, checking in with my feelings that are invoked and my ability to be present with the activity itself.

Often activities that appeal to me bring up hard emotions. There is a profound sadness attached as I sit in loss of capability, or impossibility of being able to learn in a sort of ordered way, or that it triggers the angst of a trauma experienced.

Another difficulty is that I am having a hard time finding my joy. It is distressing and wearying to be looking for it and not finding it. I am traveling along on this journey and have moments or respite from the arduousness of the search, mostly in the form of dissociation. I am grateful that my dissociation coping mechanisms are beginning to shift from opting out of life entirely for a spell to engrossing myself in a task which allows everything but the activity itself to fade away.

Do I enjoy it? There is almost always that undercurrent of anxiety and dread and "where is the threat." I can't seem to get to "enjoy", can't seem to get away from the grimness. Instead of being able to relax into it, I seem to sharpen my focus and my energies and it tends to become somewhat manic. Or I just go through the motions mechanically, removed from engaging.

I am hoping that there are others who have experienced this and have perhaps found some methods to find "enjoy." I am also hoping to hear from those of you who may be experiencing a similar thing. I feel very lost and confused and scared looking at this. Any and all thoughts are deeply appreciated.

Thank you

 

[jeeps for now]

I grew up with an attachment disorder and fifty-some years later discovered it resulted from childhood traumatization. As a result, my enjoyments for all this time were always someone else's. If that were not enough planned disappointment for me, I found that I always had to ask everyone their opinion whenever I thought I had a new aspiration from within. How crazy, because of course noone would ever like my own ideas !!!! It's like looking through a caliedascope of past experiences and other people's opinions. No wonder we get stressed.

I now enjoy nature. I get out there and relax the best I can, without all the buzzing of neurotic opinion-giving.

 

[LaurenRose]

Thanks so much for you thoughts jeeps. I am going to look up attachment disorder as information that may help and "normalize" me.

I am a recovering alcoholic (lol talk about coping with trauma!) - four years this July. When I was going through the searching for a Higher Power, I hit a wall. I investigated and I was trying to take on "your (whoevers) Higher Power. I couldn't make it happen because I couldn't feel what "you" were feeling. This was good news! So I went back and went on a new search, and I hit a wall. I investigated that a bit more anxiously and discovered that although I had gotten an idea of what I wanted in a Higher Power, I came to "you" for validation - again basing my belief that "you" knew better than me and I needed "your approval." This was good news! although my anxiety continued to rise. Now I am desperate and I once again went on a search. This time I produced my list and then tried to take it on. I just couldn't do it. Some used "God", some used nature, some used the group with more recovery time. I still don't know why I wasn't able to do it. Thinking it has to do with my trauma in the cult and my destroyed faith and trust of my own judgment. I have, however, flirted with the idea of a "Higher Self." That part of me that once understanding, and acceptance, and love of self comes into place, I should enter into a space where I am at peace and tranquility can be known. Flirting, exactly that. As soon as I think I have a solid lead on a direction, I panic and my fear drives me to a bad place. I think one of the places where I am striving the most is with my recovery from PTSD. Although I do have contend with fears of "never going to make it" or "losing my grip holding onto the edge", it is the most important thing for me to stay present with. Without it I am damned.

In some ways this brings me enjoyment. I enjoy it when a light bulb flash burns away a layer of crap surrounding me. Even though I panic when that happens and I doubt its reality, there is a sense of satisfied enjoyment which is at least is something. I enjoy it when I hear other people share their stories. It makes me feel somehow that I am okay, at least it scratches that itch.

 

[freakofnurture]

Wow, jellymint, they take a cult survivor into a 12 Step, where you have to go through the exact same thing of signing away your autonomy and self-sufficiency to a Random Higher Power? I find that disturbing. There are alternatives like Secular Sobriety, that use another approach, more focussed on the resources and strengths within the person. You know, you do have the strength to stop drinking, and all you need to do that is already there within yourself, those parts just need to grow and be utilised more.

About enjoyment... I'm not in a similar situation as you, but I can empathise with your problem of finding something that you genuinely enjoy. I do know what I enjoy normally, but at the moment I really wouldn't feel that. In fact some of the things I do enjoy most are currently aversive to me, due to my depressed and vulnerable state.

You, without prior knowledge about your likes and dislikes, are really tapping around in the dark here. I can see how that must be frustrating.

I don't know how you decide what you want to try as an enjoyment next, so maybe you've already done this, but... There are things on this planet that almost everybody enjoys, and that's baby animals. No, seriously. Hear me out.

I have a collection of pictures of kittens on my laptop, and looking at them almost unfailingly lifts my mood up one level or two, because I enjoy kittens so much. I also watch a lot of baby wildlife videos (cute pets aside from kittens make me angry for trauma reasons), and for example this yt channel is full of orphaned wildlife being fed and cared for by a compassionate professional. I've been watching the vids there for three days now, and they keep me from going under.

So, this would be an occupation (is watching something an activity?) where you'd have a 99% chance of feeling enjoyment by my conservative estimate. Even if you don't feel it at that moment because you are depressed, it's very likely there and you could confidently focus on getting connected to that feeling.

Please don't think I'm not taking your difficulties seriously o.o Baby opossums made me smile yesterday night, although I felt like dying.

 

[Heather]

Hi jelly -

I can relate to this all to well. I have NO idea what I like anymore. I have no desire to do anything. I've been told a lot of it has to do with depression. I had a passion but that was wiped out a long time ago and now there's nothing.... It's just a big, vacant spot of nothingness.

I'm horrified to report that as a mom my ability to interact with my daughter is suffering. The desire is not there and even worse I find myself not caring if she does her homework. It makes me feel like a failure.

I feel like my life has been pretty much derailed since my trauma and I have not been able to get it back on track since then. Very depressing when I put it that way. I have very little support in terms of family or friends which makes things that much harder.

I don't have any suggestions on how to change it but I wanted to let you know you ARE NOT ALONE.

Take care. Heather

 

[LaurenRose]

Thank you freakofnurture. It was a bit shocking to me how what was working for others in the 12 groups wasn't working for me. I have - through trauma treatment - learned that having PTSD means I need to do the 12 step work a different way. I am grateful for the suggestion of Secular Sobriety, am going to look into it.

You have helped spark an interest in finding something that I get close to that will have the minimum amount of traumatic impact. I am a deep lover of animals as well. When I place myself close to the young ones now though, I experience a profound sadness at their vulnerability and their helplessness in protecting their own selves and their reliance on another. Saying that though, I will explore getting close to adult animals who have those survival skills. Perhaps this will comfort me and I can once again connect with something I used to be able to enjoy.

Laughing, and yes - watching something is definitely an activity - at least in my world it is. I love how your passion (baby opossums) kept you grounded enough in life when you felt like you wanted out. Thank you for sharing this lil bit of you with me.

 

[LaurenRose]

Heather, awwww, I so understand your space with your daughter. I too have experienced some of that with my own kids and it is extremely distressing, especially when it wasn't that way before. I too have little support from family and friends. Family - because my family isn't a "we are together" kind of family at all. Friends mostly because they don't have experience either with trauma in their own lives or experience with someone who has gone through a traumatic experience. I am finding - for the couple of friends I do have who are struggling to understand - that having them watch PTSDish movies with me like "Brothers" and "The Unsaid" are powerful tools as I get to say to them "See? what just happened right there? That's what it is like for me." I am comforted by hearing that this is normal in PTSD healing although I don't always believe it to be true for me. I can only keep my head down and keep plowing along with the hope that eventually I will bust through. I want to thank you so much for the "YOU ARE NOT ALONE." It normalizes me and makes me feel like there are others who are feeling this/experiencing this and therefore I must be okay. Does that make sense?

 

[freakofnurture]

I am grateful for the suggestion of Secular Sobriety, am going to look into it.

Secular Sobriety isn't the only non-12-step, so if they don't do groups in your area, I'm sure they can point you to a partner organisation of theirs. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you!

EDIT: Oh, and you're so welcome. I really didn't believe my eyes at first when I read your post.

 

[OKRADLAK]

edited