Enjoying sex again

[hymnless]

Everything about this makes me so uncomfortable, but here goes....

I was raped almost 6 years ago by a friend of mine. I have nightmares constantly about it, flashbacks, all the fun stuff that comes with PTSD. After the assault I was able to have sex with very few issues until a couple of years ago. When I started to have memories resurface of 5-10 years of sexual abuse I started to disconnect more and more, now it’s nearly impossible for me to stay present to have sex. I have a panic attack probably 95% of the time.

Aside from working through this in therapy (working on getting there- it’s gonna be a while) does anyone have ideas of how to make this a little more manageable? Anyone else been through something like this?

 

[Deleted member 8714]

@BookerNoe ,
I'm still at the same point you are and I've been working with therapists for 29 years. My father did some pretty warped things with me in conjunction with sex including restraining me with ropes and drugging me with various drugs to keep me available and ready for him. There's some horrible memories of sex in the shower. I used to take showers with my husband until I remembered what happened in the shower. Those memories didn't come until after 2010.

Basically I've learned that if I want sex I have to initiate it. I have to be in complete control of it. If I need to stop, we need to stop. Period. No questions asked. Especially no interrogative type questions or I'll go ballistic and completely withdraw from my husband for weeks. Sex now can't resemble anything which happened before which was forced and out of my control. That's why I have to be in control at all times.

It helps to have a partner who will listen to your concerns and work with you, stopping when you need to stop and not giving any excuses such as he'll die or be physically injured if he doesn't continue to completion. All lies I've heard before from various people. BS.

I had sex in the beginning of our relationship and marriage without any problems until I started to remember what happened to me starting in 1988. Then sex became more sporadic as the memories became more intense. After 2010, sex became non-existent because of the memories about my father and what he did to me and others sexually. He was super sadistic and after he abused his victims, he killed them and made me watch or worse, participate in the killing. I was a young child the first time that happened. So violence and death are mixed up with sexual assault in sadistic ways.

I'm not certain how to work through all of this. I'm in therapy again.

 

[Friday]

I've talked about the things I used for sex (mainly exposure therapy), in a few different places. None are crazy well written, or anything, but it's one of those "I'm not in the headspace right now to be able to write much, but if any of these might help? Have at!"

Rape/exposure Therapy

How To Stop Sickness Caused By Memory Of Oral Rape?

To very roughly use sex as an example, since that's where your head is at, you wouldn't do exposure therapy for rape by being raped again. That's just new trauma. And, you wouldn't -typically- start exposure therapy for sex, by simply having sex. Or even by holding someone's hand. But even further back. Touch, for example. 1,000 different ways to experience touch. Find the ways touch feels wrong/bad/weird/yikes and come at those. Your own self. Completely in your own control. Not even talking about sexual touch. But things like normal touch & sensory experiences that still get a bit of a reaction, and going after those. . You'll note I started by doing things like brushing my teeth and talking with my mouth full. I didn't start by having oral sex. And oral sex? Is just a small piece of sex overall. Work on the small things that are components of bigger things.

 

[hymnless]

@Congruency I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through so much. I hope that therapy is helping to bring you some relief from those memories.

@Friday these are good posts and good threads to read back on! Thanks :)

 

[richard_Grey_Area]

Um...
Reading what you said made me angry. Not angry with you or course...
The bit about your "friend" - I hope that this person is now in jail, in hell or that you have no contact with him.
I have written about my experiences a lot and won't bore you with them, but let me say that I have been through things which make me feel like I can relate and as a result I get zero physical pleasure out of sex (for someone who is male, this is... well, different)

All I can say is that I am sorry you had to go through this, I am sickened that there are people who would fake friendship in order to gain trust so that they can attack someone who genuinely cares about them and I want you to know that even if you never enjoy sex again, it isn't that there is anything wrong with you; I personally don't enjoy chocolate which others love, or watching sport on television, that's not a serious problem, it just means that you enjoy things differently to others.

I think that the best you can do now is forget sex - don't feel broken and push yourself - work on 1) distinguishing the kind of men who would try to become "friends" in the hope of getting into your pants later (consentually or not) and avoiding them and then 2) work on feeling good in normal interactions with males again, feeling like you can trust them, feeling like you want them around. If it helps start with gay or asexual friends (make sure that they aren't just saying that to get you to trust them) don't feel that you owe them your trust or anything, try to feel good holding hands or hugging, not just telling yourself that.
When you are comfortable with men and yourself (not all the time, that never happens) then start considering sexual relationships.
that's my advice.

 

[CaraG]

A partner who you trust that is understanding. Knowing your own self and your triggers. Make sure your partner is aware of your triggers. For example, if anyone touches the front of my neck I freak out. So my partner knows that. Would it help to keep your eyes open? Would talking keep you present? Would a movie, tv show, or music keep you present. Something you can focus on so your mind doesn't wonder. Just some ideas.

 

[hymnless]

A partner who you trust that is understanding. Knowing your own self and your triggers. Make sure your pa...

My partner is super understanding which helps things a lot, but patience can run out occasionally. As much as it frustrates me I can also understand that it’s probably hard on her side as well. I’ve got a few triggers that we steer clear from, but the intrusive thoughts have gotten pretty bad over the past few months. The television being on (blue light) is my most easily identifiable triggers, so that takes some of the easier bedroom grounding options off the table. I’m continuing to try to figure things out but it’s slow moving.

@richard_Grey_Area ah yes- I should’ve been clearer... he’s a former colleague with whom I was friendly before that. It truly is terrible that people will exploit that trust- completely blows my mind, but I guess that’s why I’m on this side and he’s on the other, yeah?

Fortunately I’ve moved forward and got married a couple years ago and am in a healthy, loving relationship. Even though I often still feel broken, my wife constantly reassures me that I’m not :)