Sufferer Et Phone Home

[only_ashes13]

So. I'm 23 and have nothing to show for it. I've got complex ptsd, due to the past, well, 23 years. And this is about the best I can do right now. I can't really open up to anyone on the planet. I'm terrified of people and hide out alone most of the time, quadruple-checking my locks and struggling to even go out for a smoke break. Being out there in the world overwhelms me. I wake up multiple times a night, sometimes in the midst of a panic attack from nightmares. I try my best to remember that life has been worse at many times and be grateful for my relative safety and health at the moment.

I am also in the first month of sobriety from alcohol. I can't stop seeing terrible things behind my eyelids, but I'd usually rather die than discuss anything that's happened. I've got an appointment for counseling next month with someone versed in ptsd and anxiety. Hoping maybe I can get some help...but I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket. I just moved and am struggling to get a job due to being afraid so much. Cant shake the fact that I should be doing better than this, even though logically I realize what I'm up against is pretty serious. Also whenever someone tries to engage me in making friends or whatever I panic.

I hope my ability to trust isn't completely shattered. How far gone can you be and still recover your mind and soul? Luckily I do have a keen sense of self-preservation that has yet to be shaken. It's a bit ironic. But I'm still trying in microscopic ways- like this.

Sorry for being such a downer. Just wanted to be able to say some shit I guess. I'm not a crappy person though, at least I hope not. I do care about people deeply, often to a fault. Just afraid, is all.

 

[arfie]

Welcome, only_ashes. Perchance, are you a fan of The Pheonix? It be one of the most inspiring myths I have encountered on my recovery road. The glorious bird who bursts into flames so that it can be reborn of its own ashes. It had many symbolic meanings during my most trying parts of my own PTSD madness.

Anyhoo...

This is not Facebook, only_ashes. Speaking openly about our problems and sharing experiences is what we are here for. It is NOT a downer here, and it is okay to be afraid. When I speak my fears here, there always seems to be someone willing to let me lean on their courage while I rebuild my own.

Again, welcome. You are not alone.

 

[franciemarnie]

The days and months just off the bottle and drugs can be rough. I did it too. I am so glad you will be seeing someone who specializes in PTSD. That will help a lot.

Now that there is no alcohol etc., a lot of stuff formerly buried may come up. It took 3 years for me. Everyone is different. Maybe make a plan for different ways of dealing with what comes up so you don't go back to self medicating. If you don't change the way you deal with things, being off alcohol can be torture. That's why I went the support group way after the first time I tried on my own (at about the same age.)

Please give yourself a break. You will have plenty of years ahead to do all the things you dreamed of once, or to get new dreams and make them happen.

But first things first. Time to heal.

Welcome!

 

[Hashi]

I relate to your post very much.

Alcohol has been a very false but very great "friend" to me too, and I think for you to have got sober is H.U.G.E. I agree with franciemarnie. The early weeks/months of turning that around are difficult in a way that most people can't understand. We were drinking for a reason. To stop and get all those suppressed reasons surface.... it's very tough.

I also have struggles with the quadruple lock checking thing.

You say you're 23 and have nothing to show for it, but I have to disagree. I'd say you're 23 and very challenged by life circumstances in a way that most other people never are. You're responding to that and working on it. You have awareness and perspective. You're taking a number of steps to find support, such as joining this site.

Something that's very hard to accept with PTSD is that life isn't going to be like the life that 95% (or whatever percentage) the general population has. We need to realise that although we're trying to function in the world we're in the 5% where we can't expect thing to be like they are for most people. But we can be very far gone and still recover our minds.

I don't believe there are any limits on healing. I do believe that it can take time and work. But we can heal.

 

[wolfkitty]

@ arfie I love the legend of the phenoix. It is one of the things that has helped me get through some really tough times. When I was a young woman I used to have the most painful menstrual cycles. I literally felt like I was dying every month and being reborn.

Doctors found nothing wrong with me, they concluded that it was entirely emotional/mental. Well it very well could have been, with a father that continually denied I was female and a mother that I would not call a good role model for healthy female behavior.

However, one thing I have learned is "all in your head" does not mean it isn't as real as the "real" world.

Any way the pain was so intense I felt like I was being turned inside out. During that time the only thing that would get me through was imagining I was that beautiful bird.

@ only_ashes13 I remember 23 it was okay for me.... actually I felt the way you do when I was 25. I was struggling with so many things. I couldn't hold a job, had these terrible tremors that got me fired more times than I care to count. Had difficulty with authority. Didn't do drugs or drink... but I had such difficulty making friends and feeling like such a lost soul in the world.

I felt like I was a stranger in a strange land. I felt like my life was such a waste. It horrible for me, for several reasons, one was because I had gone to college when I thirteen. I graduated at 17 and while I was a "genius" in school, I was a total loss in the world of work and jobs. I fumbled and stumbled all the time, I would shut down from over stimulation and couldn't hear what my boss was telling me. People used to say I was an idiot and stupid.

The longest time I held a job was eight months. The message I got was you were nobody if you couldn't hold a job. I spent most of my time crying and crying.

Well I am 37 now and having almost died five years ago I have this to say; You are such a long way from having a wasted life, 23 is young, heck 37 is young.

After I almost died I took a hard look at my life and decided even with all the crap I have been through I wasn't done yet. I threw out the window EVERYTHING society said I should do or be and started my own business.

When I first started my business I was told so many negative things the whole way, well I was so used to it from my abusive childhood I just ignored it from everybody.

I have been doing my business for FIVE years and that is with PTSD. I now have my own home, my own car and my own life. (you will notice I didn't even start this venture until I was 32) I still deal with emotional issues and physical issues and problems, but they are NOT who I am.

The great thing about being alone for so long is I DON"T need anyone's approval to do what I want to do. I LOVE my job and it is all mine. I set my own hours, work in my pajama's if I want to and feel pretty great!!

Don't let any one pidgin hole you in to their short sighted idea of what your life should be like. Everybody is a unique and special being. Every one of us has one thing we do better than ANYBODY else in the world. Find that one thing and you will shine!!!

 

[DOCRILEYFBSAENZ]

If you see my previous post about the kid who died... I literally cried about it for the first time and it's been almost 2 years +

 

[intothelight]

Hi only_ashes13,

Welcome to MyPTSD forum! :)

Congratulations on taking some major steps towards your recovery with your sobriety and seeking counseling. I hope you find the information and support on this site helpful to your recovery.

Take care.

Debbie

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum!

 

[HelasBrice]

Welcome Dear.