Even appropriate caretaking stresses me out.

[Justmehere]

I’d like input about relationships and help. I have to have surgery in a few weeks. It’s typically an ambulatory outpatient surgery, and someone has to stay with me the first 24 hours. I live alone. I have home health help that will be set up to come daily the first week and every couple of days as needed after that for the first few weeks. But that first 24 hours? Ugh. I’m being pushed by friends and family to find a friend or family member to see if I can stay with them for the 24 hours after surgery. This stresses me out. It’s too much. I can’t picture any friend or family member I feel ok being around while semi out of it and in pain. I think I’d get stressed and break down like I did after a similar surgery on my other leg a few years ago. I can’t figure out how to head off that breakdown. Last time, I found even appropriate care-taking really overwhelming, and it is hard to explain what is overwhelming.

Not sure this makes any sense, but I need to figure out a strategy so I don’t fall apart and I can navigate an appropriate care-taking relationship for that 24 hours... Right now, I had to tell several people today pushing I ask this or that person, “Thanks for the suggestion, and it’s a good idea, but that is so overwhelming to me I rather cancel surgery and not be able to walk. I can’t do it right now.” That seemed to get people to back off. I’m glad people in my life are showing so much care and concern lately but it’s also coming with a TON of unasked for advice left and right. I’m learning to shrug it off and not defend my choices or get insecure, but it’s draining me and I’m getting irritable by the end of the day.

I need a better mindset and approach. I need this minor procedure and i need to rule out if anyone can help or not, but right now, even asking is super hard. I don’t want anyone to say yes, because it would be hard to handle them actually helping and my not falling apart emotionally.

 

[Chris-duck]

It really depends what you want or expect to need from whoever is going to be around you, hospitals here at least don't tend to let people out unless *someone* will be there. But for me, I tend to pick the friends where I can be like "hey, I need someone to hang out for 24 hours cos surgery. Wanna watch TV and order food then crash?" Then we basically ignore the fact they're basically caretaking. Other people prefer different approaches so different people suit that.

If you're able to decide how much support you think you'll need then find someone who fits that? Even if that's "hey I need a human in the same building as me for 24 hours. I put snacks in that room over there. Please leave me alone. Feel free to check in every hour or so that I'm okay" Like people get that.

It's a few weeks away yet, right? You don't need to decide right now

 

[Ronin]

Can you make rules for comfort zone for them to follow? Something that would ensure you don't get too triggered or stressed out, that would let them be there for you as sensitively as can be.

And distractions are an amazing idea.

 

[The Albatross]

There is a reason to be supervised after general anesthesia for the first 24 hours. I hope you can make it work/get a plan to be compliant.

"Supervised" doesn't mean they're sitting next to you. It just means if they have to activate EMS they can. OR you tell them you won't be able to arrange 24 hour supervision... and they can keep you (for a nominal fee) in the hospital for the 24 hours post surg.

 

[grit]

Maybe I misunderstood but do you have to stay with them or the person stays with you? I think logistically staying with you might be easier.

 

[blackemerald1]

OR you tell them you won't be able to arrange 24 hour supervision... and they can keep you (for a nominal fee) in the hospital for the 24 hours post surg.

^I do this and it works out fine. The nursing staff just let me rest in my room and pop in every shift change to say hi... then I go home. I'd rather do that then have someone in my home or going to someone else's home.

 

[Justmehere]

They have nixed allowing me to stay 24 hours. If I can not arrange help, they won't do the surgery. Period. It stinks. It is at an orthopedic outpatient surgery center, and staying overnight requires a hospital transfer via ambulance ride, etc.

 

[Friday]

Good news! This is what Nursing/Convalescent Homes & Medical Hotels & Homecare Nurses are for. :D

If your insurance is paying for the surgery? They’ll usually pay for aftercare. But it has to be set up separately. Outpatient clinics run the gamut on how much of that info they keep at hand. Plastic surgery clinics, for example, usually have a short list of medically minded hotels & visiting nurses. (Because people often want to hide that they’re getting plastic surgery, and want to convalesce in private, and A thousand dollars for a hotel stay is a drop in the bucket after paying out of pocket for the surgery.) Children’s clinics, meanwhile, keep a list of homecare nurses (peds are almost always guaranteed at least 2 nursing shifts even via state insurance, so that parents can sleep & work, and sometimes 3 shifts for around the clock care). But when you’re not dealing with a specialty group? You’re on your own, more often than not, in arranging resources. It’s not that the resources aren’t there, it’s just that the receptionist isn’t handing out a list 50 times a day, and the clinic doesn’t have any kind of partnership with a particular group, so can’t in good conscience recommend one group over another, because they haven’t worked closely with them for years.

 

[Mee]

How close to you does your nearest option reside? Could they have a plan a... spend rest of day with you and pop in in the morning unless you call to say things are ok, and a plan b , if you don’t recover as hoped or are dubious stay over?

Does that ease your concern about caretaking? You can call them if you have problems in the night if they are under , say.. 20 minutes away?

I would hate to be in this situation too.

 

[pam4him]

Sounds like you've already found your answer, requesting to be inpatient for the 24 hour period. As to the other issues, if you are not already in therapy, please consider it. It sounds as though you have something that needs to be worked through and counseling should help with that. Do what is best for you mentally and physically. Prayers for peace, wisdom and healing.