Again, I am new to chatting. Currently I am at a remote location where I have been for the past 5 or so months. I have never had a problem with being alone (well I can't actually confirm that since I am on a mission to learn more about PTSD.) At least I'm quite sure. Again I don't know what to post here so I'll try and start with what I believe has put me on this journey.
First and foremost about me: I'm 36 never married, no children. I get along great with folks, when I am heavily medicated. I've been out here in the Mid-east for the past 10 years or so off and on, first for a couple go rounds in Iraq, in a uniform, then as a contract worker for about another half dozen times doing a year hitch or more every other of those times. I feel, well I know I used to be a different person years ago. I am now some who I despise. I am disgusted with myself and my poor choices over the past few years that have warranted me to return back to the desert simply for no other reason than to collect a pay check to try and fix the problems I made during those years. Thing is I stopped drinking (not that I had a choice) where I'm at. There's no beer.
Anyway the first 2 months out here I was dropping with seizures I would think either from alcohol withdrawal (very heavy beer drinker) or the fact I am self medicating beyond the point of comprehension. Which was the cause of seizures back 6 years ago. Sounds like a substance abuse forming I am looking for. My apologies. I realize I have a substance abuse problem, but there has to be the underlying issue. Its very apparent I drink not to have a good time any-more, and quite honestly I don't think it was ever about fun, but forgetting. I know now as an adult it isn't about fun. You see, I am smart enough to know the difference of too much. Yet I blatantly disregard that on a daily basis and put myself in (what I consider) a very real bad situation. I cannot control myself is the bottom line.
What I am thinking, again as I try and crack this nut, is this could be something that had started to manifest as a child from family violence and subconsciously steered me in the direction I went at first. Drinking (never drugs though, never even tried weed). Ultimately to where I am now. I am taking Effexor for 5 months and things are progressively getting worse, in my mind. Although in reality they're going great. I can tell Im rambling here. Here's a couple other things about me: Did the whole Mideast for the past 10 years. Of course anyone is going to see some pretty crazy things. Ok a lot of crazy stuff. Thing is, none of that stuff bothers me. What bothers me is the poor animals I saw injured. I remember every single instance of incidents involving a stray/feral cat or dog and even stories from other people (taking place in combat environments). I love animals but have never actually owned one. I'm jumping all over the place. If you made it to the end I sincerely do appreciate your time.
First and foremost about me: I'm 36 never married, no children. I get along great with folks, when I am heavily medicated. I've been out here in the Mid-east for the past 10 years or so off and on, first for a couple go rounds in Iraq, in a uniform, then as a contract worker for about another half dozen times doing a year hitch or more every other of those times. I feel, well I know I used to be a different person years ago. I am now some who I despise. I am disgusted with myself and my poor choices over the past few years that have warranted me to return back to the desert simply for no other reason than to collect a pay check to try and fix the problems I made during those years. Thing is I stopped drinking (not that I had a choice) where I'm at. There's no beer.
Anyway the first 2 months out here I was dropping with seizures I would think either from alcohol withdrawal (very heavy beer drinker) or the fact I am self medicating beyond the point of comprehension. Which was the cause of seizures back 6 years ago. Sounds like a substance abuse forming I am looking for. My apologies. I realize I have a substance abuse problem, but there has to be the underlying issue. Its very apparent I drink not to have a good time any-more, and quite honestly I don't think it was ever about fun, but forgetting. I know now as an adult it isn't about fun. You see, I am smart enough to know the difference of too much. Yet I blatantly disregard that on a daily basis and put myself in (what I consider) a very real bad situation. I cannot control myself is the bottom line.
What I am thinking, again as I try and crack this nut, is this could be something that had started to manifest as a child from family violence and subconsciously steered me in the direction I went at first. Drinking (never drugs though, never even tried weed). Ultimately to where I am now. I am taking Effexor for 5 months and things are progressively getting worse, in my mind. Although in reality they're going great. I can tell Im rambling here. Here's a couple other things about me: Did the whole Mideast for the past 10 years. Of course anyone is going to see some pretty crazy things. Ok a lot of crazy stuff. Thing is, none of that stuff bothers me. What bothers me is the poor animals I saw injured. I remember every single instance of incidents involving a stray/feral cat or dog and even stories from other people (taking place in combat environments). I love animals but have never actually owned one. I'm jumping all over the place. If you made it to the end I sincerely do appreciate your time.
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