Ever feel like you just can't catch a break?

[SeekingAfrica]

I started therapy few months ago, and don't get me wrong, it was TIME. It was way past time for me to do that. Everything was pretty awful for quite a long time. But then, I started meds and therapy and I started talking action towards change, and for a while, things were steadily improving. And then I hit some wall in whatever I was doing to change. And in talking in therapy I hit the hardest part, so that also makes me double emotional.
And so now for few weeks, my anxiety and depression are on full force. It's hard to get myself to work out of bed, so I do...which led me to gain few kg and doesn't make me feel better about myself at all. All the emotions are too much and I often eat comfort foods, which also leads to more weight and no energy which is also horrible. And then there's all the debt. When I started therapy I started trying to get work to the next level, and I almost managed, but then I hit the wall and since then, I have only increased the debt I have. Last weeks between talking about my past and the problems in my present, I had almost no motivation. I feel like I'm grieving all the time. My T says that may be that;s needed and resolving the things we are talking about currently might be the thing that will change the rest, but I wonder if I can wait until then.
Last winter things were pretty horrible., though I pushed through somehow. I really thought I had the time to change things until this one, but now...I don't really know. I feel like just as I take a breath, the next problem hits me and I just can't quite have a moment to relax, but then I'm too frozen to really resolve anything...

 

[Crystal Rose]

I started therapy few months ago, and don't get me wrong, it was TIME. It was way past time for m...

I feel like I just turned a corner recently, so I just want to encourage you that things take time. As much as I wanted to force healing, I can't. You are working on yourself which is amazing! You are growing.

I think the more you focus on taking care of yourself, it's going to start to get easier. Problems aren't going to feel as overwhelming as they are now and you won't feel held back. I beat myself up constantly re: debt, comfort food, etc. I feel like I'm stuck in the cycle of grief as well. You are trying your best and you are worthy of all good things.

Maybe your therapist can offer resources for another support group or books or activities that can help you build a solid foundation to support your healing and growth. I'm finally in Al Anon per my T's recommendation and it's really massively helped me recently.

Hang in there. You aren't alone. And don't feel bad about that ice cream.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I feel like just as I take a breath, the next problem hits me and I just can't quite have a moment to relax, but then I'm too frozen to really resolve anything...

Yeah, I get it. I can relate. One thing after another and then there's too much to figure out what to do and how to work on anything and then you just get frozen. Yep, feel that way a lot. I want to say I feel that way every day, but I know that's not the truth, that's just how it feels. But there are definitely cycles of feeling like I can't catch a break and I am in one of those now.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I feel like I just turned a corner recently, so I just want to encourage you that things take time...

It's so hard though. Learning the line between "I'm not trying" and "I'm trying but I know my limits and I'm trying to heal". Funnily enough the last 2 days I've been doing good with food and I even exercised both days, which is something that hasn't happened for months. But my work isn't moving. Usually that sends me in a spiral of "If I can't do my work then I feel too guilty to do anything else" and then few days later I end up with overdue work and a lot of ignored chores and self care things.
But now I'm trying, so that may be once I feel better and can work, at least I haven't ignored everything else. But it's hard though. I have the instinct for trying to get better that is pushing me to do things, and then in days like this there is part of me that just wants to relax and take time off. I feel like you do when you're all sore from working out or all bruised or something, except emotionally. Exhausted. That is way too many up and downs in way too little time. It makes it confusing to know what is the right thing to do at any given moment. I wish there was a book that can tell me what to do. There are no useful support groups where I am, I already checked- but looking for books or things to do might be a good idea- thanks.
I think I have to start a list of things that may help, because this is really frustrating.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Yeah, I get it. I can relate. One thing after another and then there's too much to figur...

How do you get out of these cycles? I never seem to notice how it happens and then I get in them again.

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

Hi, @SeekingAfrica, I'm so glad to see you are reaching out and seeking support here! I, too, can relate. The challenges that just keep coming, the massive depression and lack of energy and motivation, the cycle of comfort food, weight gain, and self-disgust, and most especially, feeling like you will never stop grieving intensely. It sounds like you are right in the thick of it, and you are doing good, hard work to heal.

I recently reached out to my T in between sessions, because I was feeling like I couldn't handle my life. I knew things might feel worse before they began to feel better, but I'm having increased flashbacks, nightmares & dissociation, & self-harm urges, and those are signals to me that I'm not doing well. I'm avoiding things I'm supposed to be doing or approaching in favor of a sleep coma (calling in sick to work and sleeping all day.) I reached out to her to say Help!

As soon as I reached out I regretted it (who am I to bother her, unless I'm suicidal or think I'm going to hurt myself?) However, she did reassure me. She said I was absolutely right to call and email her given what I was going through. She acknowledged (validated) just how hard as f*ck this is, how triggering and painful this shit can be, AND at the same time that feelings of danger/fear is not the same as actual danger, though the pain is very real. She reminded me why I chose to do this work in the first place, that I was being triggered all over the place anyway, and that the type of therapy we are doing, Prolonged Exposure (PE), is an evidence-based treatment that will help decrease the intensity of the flashbacks, memories & feelings and increase my own efficacy in dealing with my past. She told me she believed in me, that I could do this work, but that it was always my choice. She reassured me that she was still "in the boat" with me, and she knows that she is the only other person in the boat with me, given the nature of the work (and my own reluctance to ever talk about the details.) She said a lot of other good things, but that's the gist of it. She was warm and supportive and compassionate, but not at all coddling or "fragilizing" me. It helped tremendously.

She also reminded me to go back to basics! Like @Crystal Rose said, self-care is key. Do you have any tried-and-true techniques for grounding? Self-soothing? Distracting? Motivating? Remember to use those if you haven't been, and to ask your T to help you strategize how to distract/motivate yourself enough to manage work (easier said than done, I really do know!!!)

Another thing that helped me (with the help of my T) was to reframe what I was going through. Rather than saying, "things are feeling/getting worse, I must not be doing well and I can't handle this therapy," I am acknowledging that increased symptoms means I'm actually right on track, I'm doing the hard work, and my demons and old behaviors are fighting back because I'm confronting and approaching them rather than running away. I have to sort of "cheerlead" myself in this process, remind myself that going back to basics of self-care doesn't mean I'm losing ground, it means I'm doing the work. Also, when I find I've lost time, rather than freak out, I just welcome myself back. I literally say to myself, "Welcome back, Lola. Good work. Now stay here in the present, take care of yourself, ground yourself, focus on your 5 senses, breathe," etc. etc.

I don't know if hearing any of this is helpful, but at the very least, know that you are not alone, and that what you are going through is a common experience AND super hard to deal with. Therapy is an excellent place to brainstorm strategies for working through these challenges in the present, so that you can participate in your own life and "create a life worth living," despite the pain.

Hang in there, @SeekingAfrica, and good luck! Keep reaching out.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

How do you get out of these cycles?

I don't really know honestly. Last night I made myself a schedule of what time I was going to do what activities. It hasn't been perfect, but this is the best day I've had in weeks. I am avoiding internal work so far today and I know I need to do that, but for now I am just glad that I am doing stuff. I did the first three items on my list in order and now have jumped around, but every time I finish something, I look back at the schedule. I also put in some additional options and reminders (like put on music, call therapist if needed, take meds when needed, etc.) as well as a reminder that the list doesn't have to followed perfectly. Other times though I really have no idea. I just suddenly find myself in either a good or bad spot and not really realize how I got from one to the other. Though sometimes when I am at my worst I have to seek out extra help like a night or couple days in the hospital, which I absolutely hate, but seems to turn a corner for me sometimes. Overall, though, I can't really answer that question because I haven't completely figured it out. Wish I could though!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I fully understand the "hit a wall" feeling. I do it often. I was stuck for an entire year and came here and was here for less then a month and made the biggest step I had ever made in my 7 years of therapy, I shifted blame off of myself and onto my abusers. I could go only so far while carrying the blame and was running in tight little fast circles while stuck.

After that I jetted very far. Between mid Jan to July, it is amazing how far I went in therapy. Most couldnt believe it. My therapist estatic, i was running in fast tight circles before, after blame shift i was running just as fast but going straight ahead.

Then my mom, one of my main abusers, grew ill with untreated colon cancer and died a few weeks later on 7/23/16. All movement stopped and I've been stuck in quick sand since, sliding down very fast in a horrible depression starting self injurying again and on the edge suicidal again. Stuck again. And I am still that way. I will work something out here or there but for the most part, I am stuck.

Stuck doesn't mean you won't ever go anywhere or you won't learn while you are there. I am trying to notice emotions while here, allow them, express them. Notice thoughts, try to pick out congitive distortions, name them, challenge them. Post about things im having hard time with and work them out.

So stuck isn't always bad. Some of my biggest growth that stuck with me was times I hit a wall and got stuck. Personally i had MANY walls in my 8 years of therapy and had to tear down each one brick by brick.

 

[Lionheart]

@SeekingAfrica

Please break your writing down into paragraphs with a clear space in between, because with my traumatized brain, I can't read your posts and I want to read them and hopefully support you.

As for being overwhelmed, breaking it down into one small step at a time has helped me.

Still, I can relate to your frustration.

Recently, I needed financial help and housing and none of my friends or family were in a position to help because they are all disabled.

I am talking about my sister, my daughter, my niece, my sister's boyfriend, my best friend, My niece's husband, etc, etc ...All are disabled and most have PTSD.

Seems I can't catch a break. It is difficult to be a sufferer and a supporter as well.

I "get it" tho, being early on in therapy is hard; it seems like it will never get better....it will if you persevere and continue the journey. I understand it is tough at first, but hang in there and you will see better days again.

When I was early on in my healing journey, I had absolutely no faith that things would improve. I was overwhelmed, depressed, scared, and crying all the time. As a matter of fact, I thought I would grieve myself to death.

It took time but, things did get better and they continue to improve and this is my hope for you!!!.

I wish you all the best,
Lionheart777

 

[Crystal Rose]

It's so hard though. Learning the line between "I'm not trying" and "I'm trying but I know my lim...

What are you saying sounds so familiar. I feel like I'm right there with you. Only recently have I started attempting self acceptance and it's basically been me trying to rebuild my self esteem.

I was in Oakland for a wedding recently and an old friend who is a new therapist out there recommended the DBT workbook and Trauma and Recovery to me. I have a lot of reading and work to do, but just the act of purchasing these books helped launch me in a very good direction. Journaling almost everyday and writing "I Am" affirmations in the morning and night are helping me rebuild too.

@Lola Nocheprieta was most eloquent and inspiring with her response and I wish I could find the right words moving forward to help others!

 

[SeekingAfrica]

What are you saying sounds so familiar. I feel like I'm right there with you. Only recently have I...

I just feel really bad- self acceptance it's really hard. I was doing really good with improving until I started talking about the worst thing in my past. I opened Pandora's box, basically.

Now everything is back to being so hard all the time. And it's tough reminding myself that taking Xanax (which I do have for special panic attacks moments when I can't calm down) isn't going to help. I'm back to being so anxious everyday that I do things with lots of breaks in betweek.

It's like constant pushing against current. Like even regular tasks are a fight to get through. I can't find here, or afford shipping for DBT book. I have heard about it though, and found some online resources. I'm going to see what I can find for free and print out to do exercises. At least it's something to do.

I keep at least doing some things, but it does still feel like I need more breaks. And it makes me feel a bit useless. I know, I have to keep pushing. I really wish there were lists or guidelines or things to help with this. I feel a bit lost as to whether what I'm trying is actually helping or not.

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

can't find here, or afford shipping for DBT book. I have heard about it though, and found some online resources. I'm going to see what I can find for free and print out to do exercises. At least it's something to do.

Did you find the website dbtselfhelp.com? Very helpful, with examples and printables. Good luck!