I know that the best intentions can sometimes make things worse when you don't have the personal experience to put yourself in someone else's shoes.
Like being a combat vet who takes great relief in decision making about basic things like food & clothes being taken care of by someone else... as opposed to someone coming from Childhood Abuse/neglect or Domestic Violence who finds someone else controlling their food and clothes absolutely intolerable?
Relaxing & Relieving
Intolerable & Stressful
but I would hope anyone would call out such statements no matter where they saw it.
There was no mention of abuse, merely a decision to stop eating when their spouse made a comment about their weight.
The idea that all relationships should be assumed to be abusive unless otherwise stated, and not only that but
so incrediably abusive that the person is unable to take responsibility for their own choices, because they have no good choices? Choose not to eat or be beaten half to death, then raped and locked in a basement and not allowed to eat, until they can make the “right” choice to not eat? Isn’t a) relevant since that’s not what Neverfalter is doing to her husband nor the history he’s coming from, and b) not normal. That’s traumatic thinking.
Even in Eating Disorder Land if someone calls you huge and fat and disgusting it’s still your
responsibility and your choice to eat or not eat. No one is making you eat/not-eat like in Abuse-Land. It’s your decision. Which people are reminded of, frequently. The power and control is all yours, no one else’s. No one else can make you not eat. You decided to do that. Own it. <<< That’s not something to call someone out over. That’s something to call out. And hold close. in ED-Land. >>> Every second? Pfft. Of course not. Just when people are looking to you for confirmation of their helplessness, to get you to co-sign on it. IE maaaaybe 1% of the time. If that. Unless they’re using you to reality check, and then maaaaybe more often. But whether here testing the waters on if you’ll enable their eating disorder, or trusting you to tell them the truth when they’re having problems seeing... Most of the time when dealing with someone else with ED, the best advice is to completely ignore what they’re eating/not eating. Because all getting on someone about their eating does is make it harder for them.
But this is neither Eating Disorder Land, nor Abuse-Land.
You talked about walking in someone else’s shoes.
Try... Could my husband’s strict upbringing be playing a part in his eating issues,
or are they entirely PTSD related?
Separating out PTSD & Childhood altogether, not one and the same, and removing any and all Childhood Abuse, Domestic Violence, or Eating Disorder assumptions or generalities.
Because those aren’t his shoes. Nor what his wife is attempting to learn/understand/help with.
It’s perfectly natural when familiar issues like food & GI Problems come up for everyone who is dealing with or has dealt with those issues to offer the best they have to share on the subject / their own personal experience. But that doesn’t mean that their issues around food are going to be anyone else’s issues around food. Especially not when they’re niche issues. Like abuse histories and eating disorders.
You’re a pro... better than most, I’m sure you can see that.
Can you also see where people’s personal trauma histories flooded into the Supporters Area until niche advice for niche issues suddenly became the
only advice? Where things suddenly became very black and white?
I hope you’ll take this in the spirit in which it’s meant... which is kindly... because I really do believe you had the best of intentions.
