Relationship Ex-girlfriend With Ptsd... Did I Do The Right Thing To Let It End?

[function]

@scout86 - I meant honest here, although the other phrasing maybe works as well as if I had just taken a day or so to calm down, maybe posted here first, maybe I could have approached the situation with a clearer head instead of immediately throwing accusations. It is possible however that we both lack some of the required skills to work through whatever issues we had.

@Echo - it does seem now very much that we both jumped to conclusions with no actual evidence, I agree. There was other strange behaviour I didn't go into, but yes, no actual proof. Its possible also we both sort of fed off each other in the way we were starting to feel in the end. I will mention also that there is another explanation for some of my thoughts - my best friend, who's judgement I mostly trust, also knows this girl and had, perhaps, a similar experience in the past where it seemed that a partner was being deceptive, but this probably heavily coloured his perception of what was happening in my own relationship, and in any case both girls obviously the situations are really not the same.

Anyway I guess it is not too surprising that my friends would be biased towards some of my perhaps unfair assumptions. At the end of the day though no-one else knew my ex in the way I did and I did really think she was not the sort of person who would ever cheat on me - so actually it is very strange to me now that just recently, that is exactly what I thought she must have done, and what I accused her of doing.

 

[Echo]

@function - I do wish you well with all of this. I learnt a lot from reading about co-dependent relationships and how people project onto each other when they haven't dealt with their own issues. Sometimes it takes something like this to force us to do so. We lose this relationship but we gain really important information so that we don't have to make those mistakes again. I certainly learned that communication has to be spoken and not assumed, even when what we feel seems to us so obvious. It rarely is.

 

[scout86]

function, I think you've just demonstrated the very best thing about this forum. It can be a messy process, but it's a reasonably safe place to work through stuff and gain insight. And, that process seems like it's working all the way around, all the time. In other words, we ALL have the potential to learn things from these exchanges. Different things, because we all have different lessons we need to learn, but we can all be learning, all the time. I'm glad you showed up here today. Sorry it wasn't under better circumstances, but I doubt people often show up here under "Good" circumstances. :)

We all do the best we are able to do at the time. Know that. Doesn't mean we can't do better in the future, but in the moment, what happens is the best we are capable of THEN.

 

[Justmehere]

@function I agree with others, you don't sound crazy at all! Give yourself credit! Some people would just make the other person out to be the bad guy, but you had the courage to look at this from different angles. Sometimes relationships get messy, and there are a lot of factors contributing to make this a messy situation. In my opinion (which again, may be TOTALLY off base) I think you should trust your decision and your heart, and give it some time right now. I don't believe that time heals all wounds, but time may help you to be more objective and see even the things you haven't mentioned in new ways. You did the best you could with what you had. No reason to be hard on yourself, just to keep learning more.

 

[function]

I appreciate the reassuring words from you all - I think there is just no other option now than to give it time, and if it is meant to be, it is meant to be and if not, it's not.

I do want to address one other thing - I used the word "damaged" in my opening post to describe PTSD, but I just want to clarify my meaning. I am aware this is a poor choice of word and I should really have learnt to use another word since I have caused offence to my ex-girlfriend in the past with this word. However I use this word in the most neutral and least negative way possible - I believe there is a scientific term for PTSDs or related conditions which is "psychiatric injury", and this is all I really mean by it, just damage as in injury, inflicted in the same way as a cut or a bruise is damage to the skin... I don't know if this makes it sound any less offensive, but again, I just want to clarify that if any offence was taken, none was intended.


@Justmehere - referring to your earlier post, regarding me pathologizing her too much, I do think this is quite likely to be something I was doing in an effort to justify my assumptions, as it is no longer that clear to me really what relevance her PTSD even has to our current situation. For some reason however, I did initially feel it must be quite relevant.

That said, this seems to have been a very helpful place, nonetheless, so thank you all again.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I can't see any proof of anything here. I would be indignant if someone asked me if I was cheating - that seems a normal reaction to me and doesn't prove that she was cheating. I would imagine that many more people would just a bit angry, hurt, upset, that a friend was suggesting to their boyfriend that they were cheating, when there was no proof.

I have PTSD and have fear of controlling people for similar reasons to your ex I suspect. From that perspective, I really feel for her, and from what you've said, she has handled the situation extremely well.

 

[Justmehere]

@function Ah, thanks for explaining more what you meant by "damaged." I think I understand what you are getting at - but those words can mean so much to someone who already feels crummy. Many people with sexual abuse histories already feel inherently shamefully damaged beyond repair so those words carry connotations you probably don't mean. For me,"traumatized" or "wounded" or just plain hurting... That would work better than psychiatric injury... but I think that can vary from person to person... The less labels in this situation the better. I deeply appreciate your humility to look at your own actions. PTSD or not, we all goof up.

 

[function]

@Meadowsweet - thank you for your input. She has explained that the reason she could not agree to any terms of who she could and could not see was because of her control issues, that there had been times when she had no control over her life, so she didn't want to feel she was being controlled in any way now. I said that I understood, and I thought I did, intellectually at least, but probably emotionally I really didn't get it.

I don't know if this is any justification, but from my perspective, I didn't think I was trying to control her. That said I can accept that maybe however I tried to justify it, maybe it is still being controlling.

I will explain also that before there were any issues at all, she told me some things about this person, while they were together he said and did some things which in my view were unforgivable and I think I put a lot of mental energy into thinking wow what a horrible person this guy is, so I found it a little baffling when somehow he seemed to be re-entering her life, even in a small way. But then, she is a very forgiving person. I will add she has always claimed that their contact is absolutely minimal, perhaps just for a few minutes when she is actually planning to hang out with a mutual friend of theirs, for example. However I do trust the judgement for the most part of our own previously mentioned mutual friend, who seems quite sure this is not the whole truth, so I am still a little unsure how to feel about things. But of course, some unexplained behaviour does not immediately indicate the worst. Again, obviously I just need time to think about things and hopefully eventually see them more clearly.


@Justmehere - thank you for your suggestions of more appropriate language to use, I will definitely try to keep that in mind in the future.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Honestly, I don't see it as a big deal to not want your current partner to be associating with ex's. It's not necessarily a control issue as many seem to want it to be. I see it as a respect issue. If the past really is the past and you are truly over your ex, then why is there a need to hold on? Once sex and love are on the table, it's so much easier to rekindle those feelings if you continue to be in the company of an ex. Why play with fire?

And, this girl said her ex was so horrible, so SHE was the one who painted the horrible picture of him. I think it's a bit more suspicious when someone talks smack about an ex and then starts sneaking around with them as opposed to simply staying amicable. I mean, flags go up when you bad mouth someone one minute then hang out with them the next as opposed to talking to someone you've been on friendly terms with. I hope this makes sense.

In the end she knew that talking to her ex would bother you. She chose to do so anyway. This really says she cares more about him than about you. I mean she should have told you that she is friends with him again instead of sneaking around. She had the option to be honest with you and she chose not to.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I said that I understood, and I thought I did, intellectually at least, but probably emotionally I really didn't get it.

that is so often the case.

she told me some things about this person, while they were together he said and did some things which in my view were unforgivable and I think I put a lot of mental energy into thinking wow what a horrible person this guy is, so I found it a little baffling when somehow he seemed to be re-entering her life

some unexplained behaviour does not immediately indicate the worst.

Again, obviously I just need time to think about things and hopefully eventually see them more clearly.

i think you are perhaps trying to understand complex issues and the behavior that stems from them, from a point of view of normal/never been abused. When people do that, it so often leads to leaping to conclusions. Sometimes it's better to say "i don't understand" and leave it at that.

You are no longer together with her, there is no necessity to understand. And I hope that your mutual friend can see that she doesn't understand either, and without evidence, has come to some very harmful conclusions. I just hope that the unpleasant things I've read on this thread don't become campus gossip.

@Solara, I think you are being rather single minded to this situation. A lot of behaviors can seem suspicious to the outside eye. But your eye is outside and it isn't in a place to judge what is going on in this young womans head.

 

[function]

OK well I feel a little ridiculous for it but I have tried to backtrack entirely and I am now hoping to be able to resolve things.

However she says she doesn't want to see me at the moment so I guess I just need to give her space, and again, if we're meant to be together it will work itself out, and if not, then I just need to accept it.

Saying that, if anyone has any advice on how exactly I can try to patch things up after I have basically accused her of some horrible things, said I didn't trust her, and supposedly killed any romantic feelings she had for me, it would be much appreciated. I guess I need to make a real effort to learn from this experience and understand my own issues a bit more to avoid anything like this happening in the future.

 

[The Albatross]

Clearly you value the relationship. She needs her space to determine for herself what value she places on it. If she finds value, she will initiate contact. I think instead of trying to rectify things I would be spending some time in self evaluation and perhaps communicate in an open and honest way about what your thinking and feeling. Then the chips will fall where they may.

Your observation about needing to make an effort to learn from this experience as well as understanding your own issues is very astute and valid. It shows some real maturity.