Relationship Ex-girlfriend With Ptsd... Did I Do The Right Thing To Let It End?

[Justmehere]

This might be a good time to learn how to let go and let her have the space she's asking for. This is something many don't learn until later in life - so really, it's good you are learning it now. If this is a relationship that can be repaired (and I'm not sure if it is good for either of you to try to do that) then the best thing I know of for you to repair it is to show her by actions, not so much words, that you can let go and give her space. This is SO easy to say, but very hard to do. I don't think you irreparably harmed the relationship - I think what happened here are signs of deeper problems that are unlikely to change in the near future. I could be wrong.

 

[The Albatross]

Trust requires time and consistency of character. Short of that, it boils down to the value of the bond she has. I sacrificed time and consistency to honor my marital bond in this marriage. In my first one I did not. Both were my "choice".

 

[function]

Yeah, I am finding it extremely difficult actually not to just text or call her even though I know that no good could possibly come out of it at the moment and there is nothing to say by either of us really that hasn't already been said... I guess I just need to keep myself distracted and work on myself, for now.

Justmehere, I do agree actually that it is possible that there are deeper problems here, which are perhaps unlikely to change, and perhaps it would not even be good for us to try to repair things... but nonetheless, at the moment, and perhaps time will change my mind, for better or worse... I do hope that things work out.

 

[scout86]

If my ex-husband had come to me after things settled down (but before the divorce papers were processed) and sincerely apologized, and given me some kind of coherent explanation for the accusations, it would have made a difference, but it would definitely have taken me awhile to get "over it". I really think most of the time complete honesty is the best way to go. And it's definitely important that she knows how much you value her and the relationship. But, like The Albatross said, give her time and space, like you're planning to do.

 

[function]

You know, after giving the situation even more thought and time, I now think I was correct in my initial feelings.

I may have held back a little in my opening post, because I wanted to be told I was wrong.. and although, admittedly, I probably jumped the gun on certain specifics, the fact remains that it seems sadly obvious now that she has been cheating on me, possibly for quite some time.

What I didn't mention is that our mutual friend is actually also my best friend's girlfriend. I have known this guy for a long time and I really trust his judgement - I have know the girl for less time, but before recently I could not imagine a reason we would have to disagree. I have the utmost respect for these people, and really no reason to doubt their judgement. Really, I have known my ex-girlfriend for a blink of an eye.

Also - the rooms in the student accomodation are really not soundproofed, and you can hear almost everything. I know this because obviously I have been there and stayed up there several times - in any case, my friend revealed to me recently that his girlfriend (who lives with my ex) has almost definitely heard my ex and her ex actually having sex on more than one occasion, but did not originally reveal this to me because she thought it would be too hurtful, and hoped the other information would be enough. She has seen him the night before, and also up there the next morning, although obviously she cannot confirm that he stayed the night it looks like it would be stupid to conclude anything else. She has been able to hear my ex's ex talking in the room on several occasions, has knocked in a totally friendly manner just wanting to hang out to see what's going on and been given weird excuses that she can't come in, the room is too messy or some other, in my view now, fairly obvious lie.

There are other things which I won't go into, but essentially this is something that has been happening over an extended period... my friends are not stupid, and as I said I have never had any reason not to doubt their judgement. If it was just one or 2 things, then yeah, maybe, it's entirely believable that things could have been misheard, it could be a misunderstanding. But for these things to be going on for several months...

As I see it there are 2 possible scenarios - one is that my best friend and his girlfriend who I also get along with very well are overly paranoid, going crazy, trying to sabotage an otherwise (I thought) quite happy relationship for unknown reasons (this is what my ex had tried to convince me of, and on a few occasions, almost succeeded). The other, is that what seems to be happening, actually, as horrible as it is, is happening. Unfortunately the first scenario is one I know is not the case.

My ex still flatly denied everything the last time I spoke to her, and speaking to people with similar experiences, it seems that she may never admit what she did to me or explain herself. I just feel numb at the moment... it is a horrible horrible feeling to know that the person you thought you knew, was actually someone else, capable of apparently complete disregard for my feelings even after all I ever tried to do was be a good partner and treat her well. I would just like to know why... but maybe she doesn't even know herself.

Obviously PTSD is not the culprit here - some people are just not good people no matter how they might initially seem.

Anyway thank you again everyone for your support and your input.