Ex husband making threats

[DharmaGirl]

After all the years of waiting for my ex-husband to work off his child support, I called the Dept. of Child Support and Paternity (CSP) and asked them to collect. I had called in 2009, and they froze his checking account, and he promised to work so I told CSP that he started to work again. He was supposed to do handyman work, 11 hours a month, which would cover his child support of 220 USD a month. He had originally asked me to tell the judge he couldn't afford child support and to waive it. He was originally supposed to pay $120, but the judge ordered him to pay $220 after that. He has been fired from every job he's held, except for 2, and he has held many jobs. Then he started his own business, which was doing really well, but he stopped shipping the guitar switches he made and just kept the money. The police came to my house to look for him.

He built the business up again and did the same thing. He was getting evicted, so he called me when I was sleeping and asked if he could live in my shop for a couple months until he saved up his money. I said yes for some need for punishment reason. He lived there 3 years until I started the eviction process. He didn't work off much, if anything during this time. He was supposed to pay $500 a month rent, but he stopped 8 months before I got him out. Since then, he's been working here and there to pay off the money he owed me. He wants me to sign an affidavit stating that I lied to CSP, and that he owes nothing for child support, instead of the 21,000 CSP says he owes. He says he has other ways if I won't sign this. He sent a copy to my son, who started looking up shooting lessons. I'm going to get a restraining order on Monday, today we're changing the locks and hooking up floodlights outside, but I don't know how I'm going to get to sleep. This man, who hasn't worked since 2006 except for his business where he ripped off so many people that there's a facebook pages devoted to him - , told me he lost everything because he has to pay $326 a month in child support now. His friends believe him, his girlfriend believes him, so that makes
it the truth in his mind. He lies all the time about anything he can to make himself look better.

I'm really afraid. I've been bursting into tears and my other symptoms are getting worse. I've been doing so well and now I'm spiralling up. Any suggestions on how to handle this? I don't want to give in and sign a lie.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Then do not do it. What threats has he been making to you. I feel so sad for you and the kid. You guys need to be safe. I am so sorry it has come to this. Sending good vibes too.

 

[joeylittle]

I'm really afraid. I've been bursting into tears and my other symptoms are getting worse.

How are you doing?

This is the second time he's tried to tell you what to say, if I'm reading your post right. Can you combat some of the fear with some facts? Like, his pattern isn't to take action, his pattern is to make excuses....I don't know if this exercise would help or not, you'll know if it would maybe be worth a try.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@DharmaGirl I'm so sorry. Sometimes men can be such............ Have you informed the local police???? Restraining orders are only so good. They help sometimes, but it depends on the guy and if they are intelligent or not to understand the full concept of what one is and what breaking it means. Some men are intelligent enough to understand that they will go to jail if they break it, others think they are too smart to get caught... I would call the police if you are that concerned and just ask if they can keep an eye out for you.

You are doing all the right steps though to keep yourself safe. I hope that you did get some sleep.....

 

[DharmaGirl]

@joeylittle, you are right, he might not follow through. When he lived in my shop he constantly gaslighted me, and it wasn't until my brother moved in and told me that I noticed. He doesn't have the ability to live in reality. If one payment of $326 dollars made him lose everything he had, he must have been in a really bad way before that. He won't do anything where he won't be recognized I think, that's why we put up the floodlights. He is probably trying to frighten me into signing it since he knows I have PTSD, and knows a lot of my triggers, and it worked in the past. I am better at setting boundaries now, and I really don't want a gun in my house. I am a little afraid because when I told him not to threaten me, he said, It's not a threat, it's a reality". My one mastiff who was my service dog will take him out if he tries to hurt me. He thinks he's safe from her because she behaved herself when he was around, and was trained to take notes to him and bring back an answer, but when I was really angry at him all her hair would go up.

 

[DharmaGirl]

@She Cat, I am getting the restraining order Monday, and then I will call the police station and ask for drive bys. I told my next door neighbor, and she wants to put a motion detector between our houses so we are looking at those. I also padlocked the gate between the driveway and carport, and the gate between the carport and back porch. I really think that he will destroy our things, which he has done in the past. I'm not really attached to many things, if he ruins my car, I'll take the bus, and I've locked up all my tools, since I like to build things. What would really destroy me is if he hurt my animals. He hates pets and I have 2 cats, 2 dogs and 18 pet chickens. People don't realize that chickens are like dogs with feathers. They each have their own personality, they know their names and come when called, they are funny and don't mind a bit when they do bad things. I should just keep busy with my gardens and animals and I think I will start to feel better.

@Rain, I did sleep some last night. I'm tired today, but I have a lot to do. He is making vague threats so I will imagine the worst. I'm going to let CSP know this tomorrow.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Wow, @DharmaGirl you are doing amazingly well for what all you have had to do to fight him and hold him accountable. i am so glad that you are taking all of the steps you have been and will do to protect yourselves. :hug::hug:

 

[Friday]

What possible benefit would it be to you. or your son, to sign such a document?

It doesn't keep him away for you to lie to the courts. I get the "maybe he'll leave me alone if I give him what he wants" feeling. But lying to the courts only puts you more in his power, yes? As he'll have something to threaten you with for the rest of forever? (Yes, it might screw him, but all he'd have to do to polish his halo is say he was trying to make a payment, only come to find you'd been lying to the courts to try and manipulate him to not see his son / parental alienation, blah blah blah. And that sort of lying schmoozy tap dance sounds right up his alley.)

Coming from dealing with an abusive ex? Don't tie him to you like that. Restraining order is awesome sauce, and any attempts to coerce you after that just stack up against him... rather than tie him to you, and ruin your reputation in court.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@DharmaGirl Do whatever you need to stay safe, and never succumb to his pleas or coercion. Use the law to your advantage...

As far as the chickens..... Made me giggle and think back to when I hand raised/hand fed cockatiels from 3 days old till they fledged at about 8 weeks old. Yes, birds do have personalities of their own. Comical at times, but personalities all their own...

 

[DharmaGirl]

He knows how to trigger me, but I won't swear to anything that is a lie. I've been letting the neighbors I am friends with know what his van looks like, and two of them have said that they will testify that while he was over here working, he wasn't really working. The part that breaks my heart is that my son is so terrorized that he wants to take shooting lessons. I don't want a gun in the house. I asked him if he thought he could shoot his father, and he paused, and said if he was going to hurt us, he would. He was raised Buddhist, and doesn't associate with any religion, but he is a kind, gentle soul who probably wouldn't be able to shoot anyone. I am willing to let him take the lessons, if it makes him feel safer, but I still don't want guns in the house.

My son wants to put locks on all the chicken coops now. We will do that today. I want him to feel safe. I keep remarking about how much safer I feel now that we have the locks and floodlights. I called the YWCA today and will call CSP. I really hate that he is such an ass and a liar. I would never sign the affidavit, which is why I'm so afraid. He can lie all he wants, but in many cases I have proof. He said he had my son every other weekend and the 3 days I worked. I worked nights, every other weekend, and 3 days during the week opposite the weekend. I only worked 3 12 hour shifts a week because that was full time. On friday I would get my son ready for school and my ex would pick him up friday afternoon. He would come home at noon on Sunday, so the way I count it, that's two days. The next week I would work Tues, Weds, and Thursday and his dad would pick him up tuesday afternoon and I would pick him up from school on friday. That was 3 days. So he would have him 5 days every two weeks.

You know, I just thought of something. It doesn't matter that he lies about how many days he had Liam or what he worked or any of that. He has to provide proof that he worked off the child support, and I have to do nothing. I don't know why I'm getting caught up in proving his lies wrong, because anyone who knows me or him knows that he is lying. We lived in a small town, and when I left him. he told everyone who would listen that I was demanding child support and wouldn't let him see his son. I would go to the post office and hear about it, then hear about it at the grocery store. But I didn't do anything to deserve this and I am not the one lying. He can say whatever he wants, but I know that I didn't lie, and he owes the money. He will not get away with terrorizing us. He can have all his friends believe his lies, and it doesn't affect me. I have blocked him and I will do my best to concentrate on the things I am grateful for, and the things I love. If I allow him to terrorize me, he wins.