Excuses

[The Albatross]

I've posted this in Avoidance because I know that I'm so often afraid and want to hide. I never know if giving into that fear is the right way to go. I don't understand how washing the kitchen floor can be an occasion of fear "It's too big a job, it's too hard, I can't do it" when I know objectively that I can do it in under 5 minutes. So I suspect that is avoidance, not genuine inability.

Fear can absolutely be a component of avoidance or procrastination. This article has a decent section about Fear: Avoidance Behaviors and Procrastination I also like his section about intensifying the pleasant feelings about task completion.

So far as "how do you know".... personally I base it on my recent past performance and try to determine if it's a rational thing or an irrational one. In your example of washing the kitchen floor for instance, breaking it down to sub tasks can help. But so does identifying the core of the fear. What is it that I'm afraid of about mopping the kitchen floor? What does fear say to you will happen if you mop the floor?

It's too big a job - could be subjective cuz it may be too big a job this morning, but maybe not before lunch or this afternoon or tomorrow. It's too hard or I can't do it - are likely irrational. Why do you think "it's too hard" or "I can't do it"? - I know for me often times it's just straight up I don't want to, even though like you shared it takes 5 minutes.

Two phrases that are generally beneficial so far as avoidance and procrastination are "Just Do It" and "Do It Now". If for PTSD reasons or chronic physical illness you can't, then don't let yourself off the hook by scrubbing the entire day... try to revisit the task a couple times and make a decision if unsuccessful to try, try again tomorrow. It is the repetition of task attempts and completion that will make it more likely to be less inclined to procrastination/avoidance. 26-28 days makes a new habit, 6 months a new behavior. Perfectly? Nope, unlikely... but perhaps more reliably and consistently.

 

[The Albatross]

Just added to that post @Sandstone - I had a call in the middle of the edit.

 

[Freida]

@The Albatross hit this dead on..

If for PTSD reasons or chronic physical illness you can't, then don't let yourself off the hook by scrubbing the entire day... try to revisit the task a couple times and make a decision if unsuccessful to try, try again tomorrow.

I used to be super energetic..always had 3 or 4 things going. Now it takes me 3 days just to clean the house. I work for 10 or 15 minutes then go sit for an hour or two. Then work 10 or 15 and so on. It took me a long while to accept I have to look at time differently.. I felt like a whiney crybaby who was just being lazy and expecting a ton of sympathy.

I've been surprised at how hard it is to get moving again once I stop

But the reality is that I have a couple significant challenges that I have to adapt to --- and that took a long time to sink in. It had to start with me letting go of how I thought I appeared to others. Once I got past that became more willing to work out a plan with myself to feel like I can keep moving forward.

Each day I have to do SOMETHING. When I posted yesterday I was in a bad way so Something was making a good breakfast. That was it. Spent the rest of the day on the couch. Then my Something was checking on with people here and in a couple other sites

Today is better...so Something will be running a couple errands and maybe, if I'm up to it, vacuuming the living room. If not it will be there tomorrow and it can be my Something then

Stop trying to conquer a huge task at once and take one small step. Then take another. Stop looking at what you can't complete right now and look at the step you took towards finishing it later.

Oh! And how do I know if I'm just being lazy? I dont. I know I hurt and I want to cry and I feel like crap and I have no energy and can't face the world and I'm a bad wife and horrible friend. What I have learned is that the reason doesn't matter. Because I can't change how I feel. So I make myself do Something and take it from there. Usually if I'm just being lazy I can add another Something. If not...off to the couch I go.

This has been one of the hardest adjustments I've had to make on this journey and it sucks. But..It's what I'm stuck with so....

 

[EveHarrington]

Here's a surefire way to prove to yourself that you're NOT just using PTSD as an excuse.

(Cuz believe you me, I have always done this, and continue to do this despite MOUNTAINS of evidence that tells me to slow the hell down.)

Push yourself to do anything and everything. Push yourself to do things at the level of non-PTSD people. Just keep going and going and going.

Know what's going to happen? You are going to crash and you are going to crash HARD. It may take you a number of days to recover. Days of barely getting out of bed.

Rinse and repeat, oh, IDK, as many times as necessary.

It'll start to sink in that people with PTSD more often than not require higher amounts of rest/alone time.

Start doubting again? Well, just start pushing yourself. The crash will inevitably come again.

Yeah, I've been doing this for years and you'd think that by now I'd have learned my lesson....and while I have gotten better, I still push myself like hell. (LOL, my guy, from 3K+ miles away, is REALLY trying hard to get me to slow down over the next week until I see him again. He knows its up to me in the end, but it doesn't stop him from trying!)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I'd rather have compassion for myself than load myself up with expectations and give myself a hard time if I can't live up to them.

I so appreciated reading this so thank you very much, because I struggle with this lately and I have been trying to fight off a depressive cycle and have anxiety now that sometimes I do feel physically in my body and so have been dealing with this on top of everything. I am applying this thread of avoidance to myself because like I said I have been struggling with it.

See how that doesn't parse? If I WASNT making sure that my responsibilities were met, even if I'm not the person actually meeting them, it would be neglect. And I'd be using my illness as an excuse for neglect. Whether it's 1 day or lifelong. That's the missing step in your logic. The middle piece. PTSD doesn't excuse bad behavior (ie abuse, etc.), because there are ways to deal with having symptoms & side effects that do not equal abuse. The same way that there are ways to deal with the symptoms & effects of food poisoning, without it equalling neglect.

I agree with this, I think finding a middle ground and meeting a expectation of myself with a compromise of sorts will help me because it at least meets the responsibilty halfway.

Being "lazy" is a constant fear of mine and frankly, it's not healthy or realistic. My dad made me feel that I was lazy several times when I was growing up. I wasn't lazy, just very tired. Today, my inner critic picks up the slack.

I was labeled as lazy growing up so struggle against this in my self talk, I was seriously getting very abused growing up and was very much depressed unawares. So it was a projection from both of my abusive parents and I have been taking that label and beating me over the head with it in my self talk too. So thank you for pointing this out because I can be more proactive now in my self talk and I do things each day to fulfill my responsibilities and do not suffer as a result of my avoidance. Bills get paid, things are taken care of. The only area that really needs work is the area of housework and I do manage to set and fullfill some set goals. Maybe it is not done right now this very second, but it does get done.

But how do I know? How can I tell what is genuine and what is using PTSD as and excuse for bad behaviour?

I too ask myself this question and the fact that I am fighting off a depressive cycle and physical anxiety that at times is overwhelming, some days are harder than others to do the set tasks and so they get done later than planned and I still beat myself over the head with being lazy and am actually a very hard worker.

however too, when dealing with chronic mental or physical issues there will be times that tasks just aren't doable.

I agree with this statement and I actually feel a measure of relief because now I see that I have been brutal on myself and need to make corrections and adjustments. I always pretty much can keep up with the basic chores around here, like I said maybe not now this very second, but they do get done so I need to cut myself some slack here I see.

But so far as PTSD is concerned, there's no need to pick up a big stick and induce guilt/shame/blame for it because it drives the behavior. So, being mindfully aware of your daily condition helps. Being able to assess your mental and physical state and chose tasks accordingly helps. Being able to communicate to your partner or family helps.

Thank you so much for saying this about inducing guilt/shame/blame because this is exactly what I have been doing to myself and am walking a fine line now in my life as a result. It obviously is not working and self abuse is not good or healthy so I will be making adjustments from now on in my line of thinking toward myself in this area.

Great topic. It really has helped me to sort some through these issues I have been struggling with.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I found that by making a compromise to do part of a task, gave me some pleasure and I was able to do part of a task and feel unstuck now. Moving forwards is always a good thing.:tup:

 

[Deleted member 44579]

I am not lazy. And as for selfish...Seriously.. I was brutally attacked when I was a kid. I struggle with things that are so easy for others.
And as for being intimate with another... No chance without a memory of what happened to me... Now how f*cked up is that.

I think anyone who says these things.. Have never been raped. Ever...they don't understand.

And for behaviours that are hurtful or rude..to others well ... That's for many reasons... Could be ptsd or it could be the person is just an asshole...

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