Exhausted and frustrated

[Ladygdala]

my bf and I recently travelled 8 hours out of town to visit his grandfather due to his current diagnosis of cancer. It sounds serious and I would not have made such a trip for him if it wasn’t so serious. I have been struggling the most recently with my energy levels. I’m literally exhausted 22/7. So I tried very hard to push my fake happy self out during our visits so they don’t ask about me and the focus is more on grandpa. Which takes a lot of energy. I did well. But it was not about me. On the drive home, my bf asked if I could drive. Now, with my energy levels I have not done well with driving. My head tends to nod off and I fear blanking our at the wheel, or falling asleep, amping up my tension to remain present/anxiety. Which I barely feel anymore due to my fatigue and depersonalization.

His leg hurts lots with long distance driving and I noticed he was in pain so I took over driving but didn’t last long. I didn’t slow down enough over a snowy area when I finally had to pull over and he got mad saying it’s such an easy drive and why can’t I just ‘turn it off’ for a bit. I was defensive and frustrated at him and the fact that I feel I have to constantly remind him that I am still not at my best. Perhaps I fake it well. I couldn’t cry, I really wanted to but we had his brother and gf in the back seat and I just stuffed it all in after saying my part and I fell hard into a sleep for the next few hours.
I ended up taking over for the last hour of driving after my nap.?
When we got home, I felt quite argumentative. He said he didn’t want to fight and that he has a lot of his mind right now And he’s not feeling well. The point of this story is that I can’t help but feel so very selfish for having my feelings. This is frustrating because I’m supposed to have them andnot bottle them. But I’m having them at such inconvinient times. And he forgets about my issues because he has his own. This type of thing has happened before in different situations, forgetting what I e explained to him about my issues. He tends to always have some stress with his family that I feel I can’t go to him or express my feelings to him because he does tend to have issues in the present with family members.
Does anybody have issues with this type of thing? Feeling selfish and worrying about my feelings/energy interfering others. Or significant other not paying attention to your symptoms or remembering things about you? Or the fatigue while driving or doing anything that requires physical/mental alertness?

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Sorry, it lookslooks your thread may have gotten buried in the pile. :(

I think most - if not all - of us have had issues like this in our relationships. It sucks that we can't coordinate our moods to better suit our needs and those of our partners, but we can't. And as you mentioned, our feelings are valid, as are those of our partners. The trick is learning how to meet our needs and allowing partners to meet their needs as well.

In my experience, couple's counselling is the answer. A counsellor will help you to establish healthy boundaries while respecting your partner's needs.

Good luck to you both!

 

[Justmehere]

You are not selfish - in fact, by holding the boundary that you did that you couldn’t continue to drive until you slept, you kept everyone in that car safe.

It’s not selfish to run into your limits. It would be self defeating to expect him to manage your limits for you, but it doesn’t seem like you are doing that at all.

Instead of judging what you feel as selfish, or trying to stuff them (or vent them) - instead take what you feel as a sign that you may need to set other boundaries too, and that’s ok.

We are all limited humans. Battling PTSD and everything else sometimes makes those limits more apparent.

It’s also ok to ask him for support even though he’s got stuff on his plate too. He’s got the ability to manage his own limits, and who knows, it might help him to get out of his head and bit and support someone else.

 

[Ladygdala]

Sorry, it lookslooks your thread may have gotten buried in the pile. :(

I think most - if not all...

Thank you very much! I’m still getting used to speaking my mind on my emotions. And also having them more. From being so disconnected for so long it’s hard to rationalize them. Thank you for replying!

You are not selfish - in fact, by holding the boundary that you did that you couldn’t continue to...

Thank you for this, it’s been different rationalizaing my emotions. Have been disconnected for so long that I don’t feel they are valid or even real sometimes. They have been peakabooing out from time to time. Thank you for your reply. It’s nice to hear someone else say it and even repeated!