Relationship Exhausted Dealing With Him

[Sighs]

I know the holidays are shite but OMFG! I'm just exhausted dealing with him at the moment. There is always something to set him off - and naturally that something is always my fault!

We've had 4 blow ups in the past 4 days. And as @Sweetpea76 says I'm using my own sanity as a yardstick... Sigh!

He won't apologise. (Example: Me: You need to stop talking to me like that. Him: You need to stop giving me a reason to talk to you like that.)

If I try to bring it up later when he has calmed down his response is that I should just get over it. (Example: Me: When you yell and swear at me I get upset. Him: I can't keep selling my soul. If you want to brood over every time I'm terse with you then I'm not your man.)

So... denial it is then. For both of us. :(

 

[shimmerz]

You need to stop giving me a reason to talk to you like that.)

There IS no reason to speak to anyone like that. Swearing and yelling are not acceptable. Just because he has PTSD does not give him the okay to verbally abuse.

 

[Sighs]

I don't think its the PTSD. Or at least, his out of proportion anger might be the PTSD, but the way he speaks to me is more to do with how he spoke to his soldiers. He barks orders full of profanities and doesn't think its more than "being terse".

 

[nursenurse]

It seems to me he has drawn his line in the sand, that he is saying he is not going to change. The Question is, what are you going to do about it? Does he always do this during an argument, or is this a particularly stressful time for him, the rest of the time he is okay? One thing I can tell you from experience is that being blamed for everything, and swearing, and name calling, if that is the way he deals with the majority of disagreements, will wear thin. It may take years, but it will take its toll. If he is not willing to try, or go for counselling and such, then you are going to have a difficult time of it, no matter how many times you tell yourself that it doesn't matter, that he doesn't mean it, that it is because he treated his men like that. Well, it does matter, and you are not one of his men. You have to figure out how you want to be treated, what you will accept as normal. then stick with it, PTSD or not. I honestly hope you can work things out with him, but he is being pretty blunt. And you have to take that at face value. What do you want for you? Good luck.

 

[Sighs]

@nursenurse - Its hard to say. On the one hand, he does seem to be pretty clear that this is him - take it or leave it. On the other hand, there are times when he acknowledges that its not ok and says sorry and that he will try to be a better person.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I would take anything he says during the holidays with a grain of salt, especially if he recognizes its asshole behavior other times.

That lashing out is a bitch. We have the same thing going on here at times. Anger issues, plus old habits from being in command, make things extra sucky when the PTSD is raging.

Mine is starting to realize it more and work on it... he admitted it makes him feel like an ogre when he is bellowing, cussing, and slamming things around, then he sees me shrink back behind something. I didn't realize I was doing it. I know he would never hurt me, but he's got a foot on me and is a big dude, so it's just instinct.

For the time being we're riding it out. I leave the room if he starts in on me. He is getting more aware. Hopefully it has an upwards trajectory. I think it does... it's moving at a glacial pace, but at least its moving. He used to not realize he was doing it at all. That's got to be a good sign, right?

 

[Friday]

(Not Helpful)

I suppose a good old fashioned throttling kinda goes against the holiday spirit, huh? :shifty: Hey, buckwheat! Walk into this. :wtf:

(Just commiserating)

 

[Sweetpea76]

:laugh::roflmao::laugh::roflmao: @FridayJones ... All I'm hearing is "choke yourself!!"

 

[scout86]

but the way he speaks to me is more to do with how he spoke to his soldiers.

NOW is probably not the time to point this out to him BUT........

In the military, it's my understanding that one might speak to those one is in command of in one way, but would not necessarily address one's equals or those of superior rank in that same way. (I don't think he'd get far cussing out a general, unless he outranks that general.) In your relationship, you are NOT "one of his soldiers". You are one of his equals and he should address you with the same respect he would use for someone of rank similar to his own.

 

[Purplemunchkin]

I leave the room if he starts in on me.

This works for us. And it has made a difference. And this side of things is definitely improving. But he's always been pretty good at admitting he shouldn't have acted like that.

 

[Peach]

Sorry, Sighs. I hope he chills out soon and can get it through his thick head that you deserve respect.

 

[EHooligan]

New to site, just trying to understand PTSD. My husband was recently diagnosed with PTSD and is unwilling to seek any type of treatment other than medication. He won't accept the diagnosis and blames me for the issues he is having. I have no idea how to navigate all this, just walking on eggshells trying not to say/do anything to provoke him. Any suggestions would be so appreciated.