Expectations In Relationships

[notsurewheretoturn]

I'm in my thirties and still getting the kids question. Some guys are REALLY pushy about this issue. It actually feels violating to have this question pushed upon me. A few more years and hopefully it'll end, although I do look young so with my luck I'll be deflecting these questions for a number of years. And of course the kids question is linked to sex so more uncomfortable feelings.

I'm almost to the point of wanting to fend guys off by telling them it took almost a year before I slept with the last guy. Gee, you have the time? No, I didn't think so. Goodbye.

Thanks, I needed to get that out.

I won't even date a guy with kids, they treat you like you're one, especially when they find out about the PTSD. And I certainly don't want any. I'm in my forties now and still getting the question.

The only advice I can give is don't be afraid to stand up for yourself - you are worth respect and any guy who questions you saying no to sex, quite frankly isn't worth it. If they even go down that route walk away. Its certainly not true that any relationship is better than none.

It takes a long time for a relationship to build trust and that is on both sides.

As for compromises, you have to deal with them when they arise, its not a conversation you can have at the beginning of any relationship.

Not sure if any of this has been useful to you, but feel free to message me if I can help.

 

[ptsdsolution]

@Meadowsweet I have put the answer to your second part in a new post in the Introduction section-i hope this explains everything

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I find that book incredibly validating in that it says it's OK to not want friendships, relationships, etc. The message I get in real life and here on the forum is that I'm f*cked up and extremely abnormal for not getting into relationships, that the only way to heal is by being in relationships. Wow.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm sort of in shutdown-ville right now. This hasn't happened in awhile. I'm dealing with grief right now as well, so perhaps it wasn't in my best interest to read the "sex" chapter. I will say that the friendship chapter had a lot of good information though. Now I need to work on feeling safe again. Blah. Just a warning that the "sex" chapter may be a bit much.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Take all the time you need to heal from past relationships. Starting them is so scary to me because people always act so good in the beginning.

Never have sex when you are pressured, just get rid of the guy as fast as you can. Personally, I think there are so many jerks out there, I will never be in another relationship with a man. My husband of thirty six years of marriage was enough for me.

Perhaps I am jaded, but there are so many sick people out there in the world that do not know they are sick and you deserve so much better. I have gone without friends for three years and I am just now picking up on some old friendships again.

It is good to have friends, but unless someone knows how it feels, they will not be able to understand. Also please remember that people have their own agendas for you. Better to be with a friend who has no expectations of you.

You sound like you need a lot of healing in this area, and I do too. It is good to be able to be strong and set limits and boundries with others in the beginning of a relationship so people understand you will never again put up with their nonsense.

I stress again, go slow and take your time. There are some really good people out there in the world but like is attracted to like. You have to be healthy to attract healthy people. Friendships take a long time to develop.

I have had so many bad friendships and it was because I was not very strong on the inside and needed people who were not able, to understand me.

I am in my fifties and I am going slow too. I do not trust so easily anymore like I used to. I was too naïve and did not have any common sense at all. I was raised to never say no, so conflicts are still troublesome for me but with a healthy person it is a lot easier to confront issues.

This is a really good post and I wish you the best. It sounds like you have been been burned very badly, like me.

I totally hear and understand where you are coming from. I think you are very wise to bring this issue up. I think you are on the right path. Follow your heart and trust your gut instincts. They will never lead you astray. I am finally starting to do this in my own life and it has had good results.

I wish you the best.