Relationship Expecting a Baby with PTSD Partner

[Shupkin]

Hi, I'm in a really rough spot right now. My partner of 8 years has PTDSD from childhood and the military, and is going through an almost year long depression which has resulted in him checking out almost completely right now. His PTSD manifests with a lot of paranoia and he doesn't trust family or friends, and now, he said he lost all trust (and love, according to him) for me. His depression has been very hard on me, and I left a few times at the worst times to stay with my family because he would act erratically. That really hurt us and every few days now he will get worked up and tell me to leave again, that we should break up and that I'm a bad person. I am also accused of doing things that never happened, which is scary. When I finally agree and put my hands up and start packing, he backs down. Not fully, he will just say he doesn't know what he wants.

The real kicker is we are expecting a baby in 4 months... When we found out it took him a little while, but eventually he got excited and started working out and not drinking. Then a few weeks ago, he hit rock bottom again. He doesn't want to lose our on being a father, I don't want him to lose out on that. My leaving before (even though it was justified based on his scary outbursts) caused severe emotional trauma for him, and I understand he doesn't trust me right now.

I'm taking care of myself, in therapy, doing well at my job and taking care of my unborn baby. But I'm lonely, I'm sad, and I don't know what to do.

Anyone have advice, preferably more positive than negative, any stories that don't end in tragedy? That's all I seem to see...
Thanks.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I’m sorry things are so erratic when you are expecting. That’s stressful enough without any outside factors.

The only advice I can give you is to stop owning his shit. I know it’s a supporter knee-jerk reaction because you love him and you’re empathetic, but you have to train yourself to stop for the sake of your own mental well being, as well as the mental well being of your child.

For example:

My leaving before (even though it was justified based on his scary outbursts) caused severe emotional trauma for him, and I understand he doesn't trust me right now.

Instead of thinking “my leaving caused his severe emotional trauma and violated his trust” … shift your thinking to “he cannot handle facing the consequences of his behavior, and I recognize that he is blame-shifting things to frame me as the problem instead of addressing his problem behavior.”

The projection and gaslighting can get to Olympic levels if you let it get to your head. It’s probably not malicious on his part, but PTSD is a selfish disorder. Survival mode is all about #1.

 

[Shupkin]

I’m sorry things are so erratic when you are expecting. That’s stressful enough without any outside factors.

The only advice I can give you is to stop owning his shit. I know it’s a supporter knee-jerk reaction because you love him and you’re empathetic, but you have to train yourself to stop for the sake of your own mental well being, as well as the mental well being of your child.

For example:



Instead of thinking “my leaving caused his severe emotional trauma and violated his trust” … shift your thinking to “he cannot handle facing the consequences of his behavior, and I recognize that he is blame-shifting things to frame me as the problem instead of addressing his problem behavior.”

The projection and gaslighting can get to Olympic levels if you let it get to your head. It’s probably not malicious on his part, but PTSD is a selfish disorder. Survival mode is all about #1.

Thank you for being so understanding. The blame-shifting and gaslighting is incredible. Every so often he will break for just a minute in his rants and apologize to me and give insight into the state of his mind. It's so sad, so hurt, and confused. But then it will click off and it's all my fault again.
I'm just trying to keep my boundaries intact, while trying to show him empathy. But I even told him recently my priority is baby, and I need to preserve my mental health as well. He sees how I've become a little more callous, and takes it as me not genuinely caring for him. I care, I just can't be a doormat. Thank you again.

 

[Movingforward10]

And soon there will be a child who needs to be number one.... And not exposed to erratic behaviour.

If he isn't trying to get mental health treatment and work on himself, he's going to be not a consistent parent for this child.

SAdly, we can't make people change. And sounds like you have a big decision to make if he isn't going to .