Experimenting When Little

[Britt.f7]

When I was a young girl, my sister and I experimented sexually. She was younger then myself. My mother had some magazines that we followed. This was after the babysitter possibly molested me(another story). I never forced her and when she called it quits, we quit. Some would say I was a molester. I don't know. I know a friend and I tried too, but we stopped because she felt uncomfortable. I was under 10 and this was in the seventies. I think my mom knew, but she never talked about it. My sister and I have only briefly mentioned it over the years. It's not something we talk about because, really, where would you go with it?!

Skip years ahead, to this afternoon, and my son telling me her son made him give him a blow job when he was about 3 or 4. That would have made her son only a year older. I think her son was only experimenting, I mean he was only five. And my son was always a people pleaser, did what others asked of him at that age. I don't believe that her son meant to abuse him anymore then I believe that I meant to abuse my sister, but it still effected my son. Though, he is now almost 15 and says it doesn't bother him. He just wanted me to know why he does not want to hang with my sister's son, ever. He just feels he wasn't/isn't right in the head.

The thing is, what do I do now. I told him I think his cousin was just experimenting, which he said he knew I would say, but, then, I told him it didn't make it right. I've asked him what he wants me to do, but he said he doesn't care. I could bring this up with my sister, but it would cause a major riff in our family. First, I know she would deny it. It would end up that my son was the bad person. I know how she works. So, I know I am going to honor his not wanting to hang there with his cousin. I'm going to honor his wishes.

I'm just so messed up right now hearing all this. He has gone back to playing his games as if nothing happened. He said it happened a long time ago and that he was over it. He just didn't want me to make him feel guilty for not hanging around his cousin.

I feel like a bad person and mother. First for what happened with my sister, then for what happened to my son.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I think you've done the right thing and respected his wishes and let him know that you'll be there if he ever wants to talk any further about it. I don't know what else to say except that I think you handled it right.

 

[Britt.f7]

@Kas_Can_Fly Thank you. I am feeling so raw right now. My PTSD has to do with sexual abuse and this is really making it escalate. Of course I won't tell my son that. He needs to know that he can come to me and I need to keep it under control for him.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Take time to do something nice for you - maybe a hot chocolate or other warm drink to try and relax a little. I know you know that already, but sometimes it helps if someone else says or thinks good things for you. Safe hugs if wanted. :)

 

[Britt.f7]

Thanks definitely need the caring and safe hugs! :hug:

 

[sabster]

Your son is definetely repressing memories and feelings. I did the same when I was his age (15). I don't really know about child psychology but age 5 (or about) doesn't seem like an age in which you mean to abuse someone but more of when you discover your sexuality, but I may be wrong.

However, that doesn't mean that it didn't affect your son. It will come out when he is ready to face his feelings, and that's probably when you can tell him that it wasn't his fault, that he was only a little kid, that you're here for him, that it doesn't make him necesarily gay (depending on what his reactions are). Explain to him, and I understand it's not easy because boys have their ego.
Give up on telling your sister (because admit it, you want her to feel responsible) it's irrelevant and hurtful if she's going to victim blame your son. However if she's open to conversation, you can consider telling her.

He might genuinely not care though, but I don't really believe that.

 

[Britt.f7]

Thank you Sabster. I believe he does care. I also believe it wasn't his fault.

I'm not going to tell my sister, because there is no advantage to it. My husband and I figure that both her son and she will deny it and it will be all out war with her. Just because that is how she reacts to things. I also don't want people picking sides and having him caught in the middle.

 

[radicalgratitude]

First of all, I want to assure you that what happened when you were a child, including the experimentation, is not your fault. You probably know this, but I feel the need to say it anyway.

Second of all, you would have nothing to lose by having him see a trauma therapist. Since he brought it up to you, it sounds like he is reaching out for help. I know I wish I would have dealt with this stuff at a younger age, so I am a bit jealous of his opportunity.;)

 

[DMerish]

Britt, I can understand how just learning now about your son + your personal expeimenting and your trauma past could set a match to your PTSD symptoms. But as you already noted, you need to keep your head on for your son. Not too many fifteen year old boys have the courge and trust in their parent(s) to speak about such an intimate/touchy detail. Undoubtedly, you've done a good job as a mother!

You did nothing wrong. You were experimenting and stoped when you were asked to. Your nephew and your son were probably experimenting also. Keeping these the instances separated may help you put things into perspective. I think you've got a good handle on that already by recognizing the futility in talking to your sister, that nobody need be put into an uncomfortable middle position, and that you know that at fifteen you're son is well aware of who he enjoys being with and who not - respecting/honoring his decisions is the right thing.

Lucky boy, he's got an awesome mom :inlove:

:hug:
Drew

 

[Abstract]

Brit, this must all be so very hard. Sending you much support whilst you make your way through this.

I hope its OK but I am going to say what I think and it seems to be totally different to anyone else here. Prepubescent children tend to do the whole play dr thing very innocently if they have been protected from abuse. It is normally just a case of looking and maybe a touch or two. There is no proper awareness of sexuality in these situations. What is muddying the water more now is the internet as many young children come across porn. Seeing a sexy picture or pictures is a bit different to seeing porn especially violent porn.

I personally feel that any time a young child has been found to have acted out sexually in a way that is aimed at stimulation in any significant way or engage in anything invasive then the adults should take it seriously. Not because the child is awful or any of that but to protect other children and the child themselves as they almost always have been sexualised in some way. I am sorry but 5 year olds don't ask for blowjobs for no reason. I also don't believe that a 5 year old asking for and receiving a blowjob falls under experimenting in any way.

When it comes to acting out sexually most children will do what you did - innocently acting out what they are processing and then stopping especially if they see the other childs discomfort. Other children can get into a spire of behaviours and may not stop. Many children can then be affected. Regardless all the children involved need to get help.

I am not saying that anyone makes an enormous fuss as that could make things worse but I personally think something should be done. Your sister may not thank you and it sounds like she can be tricky but if it was me I would want to know my 5 year old was wanting blowjobs (I know it years ago). There may not be abuse involved for your nephew but there may be and it would also be important to check on his present behaviour.

I hope its OK to say Brit. I wish I believed differently. I also just wanted to say that if a child has been abused and they act out sexually then it is never the child's fault and is always the abusers fault.

I hope you speak to your T and get some professional support with this to decide if anything should be done. I am sorry this happened to you and sorry it happened to your son. For me it would be a hugely triggering situation so I hope you get lots of support. You are a very good mom and a good person.

Sending you hugs if that is OK.

 

[macca]

First of all - none of it is your fault, not at all. That your son was able to tell you this, indicates to me that you are a good Mum, otherwise he wouldn't have felt able to tell you something like that. He knows that you will be there if he needs you, and meanwhile he knows that he will not have to see his cousin. But I'm inclined to think if it wasn't bothering him at all, he wouldn't be uncomfortable around his cousin. It's seems that telling your sister might be inflammatory, so I understand your not wanting to go there. I also agree with Abstract in that most 5 year olds don't know what a blow job is, and it kind of puts up a bit of a red flag over where he got the concept from? And at 5, he IS innocent, so even though this happened, (and what happened with you for that matter), it's never the child's fault, it's what the child has been exposed to that isn't right.

 

[Britt.f7]

I am curious as to where my nephew knew about that. I know my sister doesn't have porn magazines around, like my mom did. I do know that he has some older friends that I don't fully trust and never have. Maybe he heard it from them. I know I heard plenty when I was a kid from the older kids in the neighborhood.

I won't bring it up with my sister because she can turn wicked in regards to her kids. I know that she will deny that he would ever do anything like that. If I thought it would help, I would definitely bring it up. But my sister has always been big on denial. I will not drag my son through that. But I will get her son to quit badgering him to come over. In my most diplomatic way possible. I still love my nephew. I'm not sure why he did what he did. I don't think he would do it now that he is older. Still, I respect my child's right not to be buddies with him.

@Abstract You have said absolutely nothing wrong or anything that I could misconstrue. I appreciate your honesty.

Actually, I appreciate everyone's honesty on here. It has truly been a difficult situation and I need somewhere I can talk. I was so worried about judgment, and that I was a failure and all of you have helped ease that for me.

I didn't sleep well. I did ask him if he wanted to see a therapist but he declined. I trust him, but I will watch over him. He's the type of boy who, when I kid kept hitting him on the butt in school, he drew up a petition and had witnesses sign it. He then delivered it to the principal. He had tried to get the kid to stop on his own but the kid wouldn't. He doesn't mess around. He has always been my happy go lucky kid, but very matter of fact. Hopefully, that is what has helped him when he tries to decipher what happened with his cousin. I'm still here for him. So is his dad.

Thank you all for your helpful words of encouragement and support.