Explaining Myself

[shimmerz]

I am starting to get to a point that I realize that I am wasting a ton of time on 'explaining myself' to others. It seems to fall of deaf ears for most and I am exhausted from this habit. I feel like it is part of the dysfunctional behaviour that I was forced into because I seemed to have to explain my very existence into a family that really didn't want me. Everything was my fault anyways, because if it wasn't mine it would have to be someone else's and that wasn't going to fly.

Does anyone have experience on how to break this pattern? I know, just don't explain, but I feel like I am put on the spot to 'do better' and don't know how to shut down the conversation at all so end up stammering and stuttering as to why I did the 'dreaded thing' that I feel (?) I am being accused of.

I am not speaking of PTSD issues here (like why I react), but rather a global expectation from others to provide an explanation and from myself to provide one on demand.

 

[Ronin]

a) Don't explain to them
b) Explain to yourself
c) Defend that self that has to apologize for her existence
d) Make peace with that past (feel free to skip that step, it may be impossible to do)
e) Act with that knowledge of self worth to others, in case you're not walking away from them.

((Or, cough: That's about summarized what I do and saw a few others do, it may be soo very n/a for you personally or anyone here.))

 

[Jane.l]

Maybe ask your T if you can do a little work on being assertive, I found it incredibly helpful and I use what I learnt everyday.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I think most of the time when you feel the need to explain yourself, its because part of you still questions you. So part of you may have come to believe what it's always been told: should I really be here? Do I have a right to? People notice this insecurity and start to question you as well.

Once you start getting tired of explaining (and it sounds like you are), you'll notice it starts wearing down by itself, or at least that's what happened to me. Because when you are weary of explaining, you realize that you have nothing to explain. You are you, and you are here, and that's a fact. It's not even a question if you have right to be here. That question... is out of the question ;)

So if they start questioning like that... you'd have to come across convincing, that you are utterly convinced of your right to be here and your right to be who you are. Usually, a very strong and convincing statement stops their questioning in its tracks. Maybe you'd have to convince yourself first in order to be able to be convincing to others?

It's a gradual process though. I can't really give you any practical pointers on how to get there...

 

[scout86]

I have a tendency to do this too. Last summer, there was an incident when I'd been invited to something I didn't want to go to and was trying to find a diplomatic way to say "no thanks", I must have been desperate for a topic that week, I brought this up with my T. He said to just say I had other plans. I protested that they might ask what the plans were and THEN what would I say??? He said, "No they won't. Try it. At worst, you tell them it's not of their business." (You can DO that????????) Apparently you can. I tried it. He was right. All they said was they were sorry I couldn't make it.

@shimmerz , the best thing I can think to say is that you need to try this a little. Start small, maybe. You actually DON'T owe most people an explanation. And, thinking "It's none of your business" when it's not any of their business is oddly fun.

 

[Nam]

I avoided family when I couldn't stand up for myself yet. Even now, I have troubles. Guilt follows me if I can't be somewhere because I'm not in a good place. In my case, it's pretty ironic that family is wanting an explanation when it's them that caused the secondary wounding that keeps getting ripped open and won't heal.

Someone has to stand up for you. It might as well be you. I like @scout86 's ideas. Do that for now. We need a flow chart.

"No, thanks." --> "I can't." --> "I have plans." --> "None of your business." --> "Buh, bye."

 

[scout86]

@Nam , That was my T's idea not mine.( I thought I was trapped. :rolleyes:) But, I have to say, he was right (again). I like the flow chart!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

A long time ago, I had this habit really bad and I always felt bad afterwards, vulnerable and over exposed. But I was the one not on my side.

I finally got sick and tired of this and I do not do it anymore. I am on my side now.

Most people are so wrapped up in their own lives they do not care to hear these things.

So I practiced keeping my big mouth shut and I felt better and better.

A therapist is the perfect person to explain yourself to, as they are trained to get at the faulty thinking patterns and help to heal us.

I can so relate to this. I hated myself and felt if I explained myself to others they would understand me better. I was looking for illusions.

I was trying to meet my needs to be understood but people are not equipped for the most part to hear these things and respond in an understanding way.

 

[ghotiff]

We need a flow chart.

I think this is key and reminds me of the episode with Sheldons friendship algorithm. :)

Leaving a silence in conversation is difficult particularly when insecurities are at play. Instead, a go-to phrase when you feel the need to explain yourself can work.

I keep phrases handy that can work regardless of the topic...eg "interesting", "can you say that again", "I'm not sure how best to answer that". These types of phrases allow extra time for you to decide how you actually want to respond.

Hope that helps.

 

[shimmerz]

meet my needs to be understood but people are not equipped for the most part to hear these things and respond in an understanding way.

Which perpetuates the 'I am not understood' issue. This is bang on. Thank you @gizmo.

a go-to phrase when you feel the need to explain yourself can work.

Yes, I do that now with certain areas, so this could work too. @Nam supplies great ones, thank you Nam and ghotiff.

it's them that caused the secondary wounding that keeps getting ripped open and won't heal.

I feel like people who require explanations all the time are my persecutors (not a good word but I will use it anyway). Most that I know don't require this of me. This type of personality is dangerous to me as it does exactly that, rip open my wounds. I need to stop it because they never will.

"It's none of your business"

I don't know why but I have such a hard time with this phrase. I get the feeling I hate it so much because it is the phrase people use when they don't want to see things that they should do something about. Like abuse.

strong and convincing statement stops their questioning in its tracks.

Yes, this is working. I started with the convincing voice and when challenged, kept the convincing voice and stuck to my guns. I feel that if I stick to this it will be less frustrating all around; to each party involved.

Maybe ask your T if you can do a little work on being assertive,

No T right now and no hopes to afford one. The odd thing is that I AM assertive - very. Except in certain areas. Except when it comes to explaining my reactions, which by and large are mainly gone right now. Perhaps that is why I am fed up explaining. I am tired of it and there is no longer a reason for it.
@Kaia , yes great list, thank you. I will be able to work with it. Most of this comes down to my reactions to things and deciding to stop justifying my existence.

:hug:'s for everyone! Make it a double! :cool:

 

[scout86]

I don't know why but I have such a hard time with this phrase

I hadn't thought of that use of the phrase, but you're right, it gets used like that too.

For some reason, THIS use of it, to me, seems like "NO! This is MINE and you can't have it!" LOL The point being, I have reasons for doing what I'm doing and I'm entitled to them, whether "you" like it or not. I'm entitled NOT to defend myself if I don't want to.

I tend not to take that attitude often or easily. It's hard to believe I'm "entitled" to anything. For some reason, being able to tell people that "I" am none of their business is kind of empowering.

You bring up a point though. There are times when someone says "It's none of your business" and people should MAKE it their business.

 

[shimmerz]

It is interesting how one phrase can mean something to one person and another to someone else. I remember a friend telling me she was going to pick up her friend from the shelter. I knew this friend, I knew she worked at the dog pound. I said, OMG what happened to her????? My friend looked at me quizzically and then she realized. 'Oh, no, not the women's shelter hon, the dog shelter, where she works, remember'? I wanted to crawl under the table. This line of thinking of course, due to my experiences, separate me from all others.