Exploring Safety To Be Present

[Seasounds]

I awoke with my usual first sign of daily depression; I keep turning over and sleeping longer, even though I wanted to get up. Behaviorally, this pattern repeats an early sign of childhood trauma; when I wanted to get up and move, while I was being sexually abused, I was forced to lie still, through strangulation and beatings.

Inside, it feels like one of those cartoons, where the action is repetitious-like a rubber band, that contracts and then stretches, indefinitely. However, in real life, it isn't funny. I daily struggle, with this morning moment, of feeling and moving through deep hopelessness and despair. Usually, I successfully make it through, to go about my life, of being employed and being a student.

Today, after moving through this pattern, I had a new thought. After years of gathering tools, I can replace the old (implicit) goal-of hiding at all costs, lying down, and keeping quiet, with a new goal-of developing a consistent presence in the world, by moving and having a voice. Gradually, I will take steps, as I feel safe. Knowing there will be challenges along the way, I walk forward with the knowledge that I will seek support from all of you, my friends, and Providers-a Psychiatrist and a Psychologist.

For me, the wondrous development of the PTSD Forum, is that, since it is well monitored, it offers safe and on-going support group, that is affordable and accessible. Usually, the groups I've attended were not affordable, not well facilitated, and not practical, with my schedule. PTSD Forum has already improved my recovery.

 

[Hope4future]

I'm no expert on this, but if your body feels like making a movement instead of trying to hide, take the time to do the movement slowly so you can feel it in the muscles. Ground yourself first, but by allowing your body to complete a movement is wanted to do during the trauma but couldn't you are releasing part of the trauma and sending a message to your body that the trauma is over and the world you're in now (the present) is safer.

You may want to do the movement during a therapy session in case it triggers strong emotions. Whatever you do with it, it seems like a good sign that you're aware of another way to respond to the feeling. Celebrate every sign of healing you see. It's tiny steps that will get you out of the darkness.

Take care.

 

[Seasounds]

Thank you, for your wisdom and support. Yes, I have done movement, voice, and other therapies to get to this point. Currently using a movement therapy-a unique and individually styled version of the Alexander Technique, that can helps me to explore freedom of movement, while I explore cognitive and emotional depth freedom, with Providers.

 

[Seasounds]

I will take your suggestion to explore to my next Alexander Technique movement lesson.

 

[Hope4future]

I'd be interested in hearing if it's helpful. I'm not familiar with the Alexander Technique. I'll look it up.

 

[Seasounds]

The Alexander Technique, generally, is about learning how to move, doing whatever you want to do, ergonomically. From my experience, by learning a more easeful way of moving, I release tension patterns that seem to both hold past traumas and cause my habitual movements to be triggers.

There are some styles, that didn't work for me, because they teach a posture (cause tension and trauma in me), rather than helping me find an easeful muscle quality (releases trauma patterns in me), in any position, in any activity.

Luckily, I found the later, in an Alexander Technique (A.T.) teacher, who is gifted in her willingness to be with my process, while she helps me find new ways of engaging my body and my world. She understands the learning process explained in developmental psychology, and in neurology, which pertain to the foundations of helping PTSD patients learn how to be in the world, in new ways.

As there are different A.T. styles, I'd recommend the Alexander Technique International (A.T.I.) website. They have the same style that she does. My teacher gives workshops around the country and internationally. I'm happy to share her info, if you want.

 

[Flyaway]

Thanks for sharing! It's definitely something I'd like to look into. I didn't realise there was something I could do about freezing. My understanding it limited i guess - I know freezing comes from the 'lizard brain' our first brain that decides whether to fight, flee, or freeze... I think in the hope that we will convince the attacker we are dead and they will leave. It's a very basic part of the brain, not a whole lot of logic there.

 

[Seasounds]

I wanted to freeze recently but didn't have time. Just the day after I posted my plan to move, I had somatice flashbacks from moving fastly around home- this has happened before, especially while cleaning, organizing, and packing for trips..Yuck! So disorientating, discouraging, and depressing, to not be able just move around my house.
As I was on a time line, things got worse, I got worse-like being dizzy and knocked around.

Took 24 hours to recover. Best to practice movement, in my house (simulated), with my movement teacher. Best to take movement tasks in smaller amounts, and to take breaks, if I think I need them or not.

 

[Seasounds]

I practiced with movement teacher. It worked out, and I want to do more. I had disagreement with friend; I was able to state my opinion instead of saying nothing, while practicing non-violent communication.

 

[Seasounds]

While at a Alexander Technique (movement) workshop, I experimented with finding low key ways to interact with everyone in my group (14 people). Some interactions were hurtful, and some good. I'm experimenting with keeping my self-esteem constant, between the grumpy people and nice people. I'm also playing with politically correct ways to say "ouch" when others insult me or ways to realize they may also have problems. Right now, on the low side. Learning is an up and down process.

 

[Seasounds]

Feel sad that a friend, who was visiting left. After a big ptsd episode a year ago-where I couldn't do much, now working on moving foward with school and working on improving my financial situation.

 

[Seasounds]

I had a trigger and a break through. A customer threatened me, "I want to break some bones"; I'm still relaxing from it. On the other hand, my breakthrough involved being able to set a boundary, with an authority figure-my doctor. I remained safe afterwards. I hope this gives me the ability to deal better with people of authority and tasks involving authorities.