I had unwittingly stepped into "exposure therapy" with catastrophic results. All because 1. I was not prepared, 2. I was not properly informed, 3. I was not with a professional properly trained individual, and 4. I did not have proper follow-up. The end result?
........not good, not good at all. Extreme loss of weight, night terrors, agoraphobia, social phobia, regression, eventual hospitalization and PTSD flashbacks. It was a very disappointing setback for me personally. I had to go on short and long-term Disability and due to the inability to of resources I was unable to find proper treatment I eventually ended up struggling with this whole aversion. concept.
However, I do have a whole new outlook on it today. At the time it was a completely different view point. It was having my counselor cutting the rope of the tether that held to me and the safety net above the freeze sea, all the while reassuring me there was no sea below me. Down I went in into the jaws of a bunch of bloodthirsty sharks with the mother of a the mate of the mate of the hungriest of em all, the wife of a pedophile. She was not suppose to be there, on a campus I haven't I had dared foot on without severe shakes for decades, with someone I trusted who swore she would be there for me, and after 6 yrs, I truly believed her, after all I had 'grown so much, accomplished so much, right??
Oh but here she was, loving the lime light of all the fawning the doctorate students, squeezing each and every gory detail out of this untreated sick woman who threw not only her children to this dog of a husband of her's but her grandchildren, but her disabled niece!! And to avoid responsibility went to the hospital to have unnecessary surgeries. I was stuck in that tiny room, sitting 5 inches away from her, the wind out of my sails. The words sucked from my lips.
As she dabbed her eyes for sympathy, I looked toward my counselor pleading with her to get me the hell out of the room, to save me, but she just looked past me. I was her atrophy. The 'Winner'. I was sick. I had started out the night with a somewhat righteous speech about their as up and coming psyche professionals, the responsibility to always put the client's needs first, always make sure the client is best served prior to your own and what an awesome responsibility it is. Stating that my father had let his own ego get in the way and got heady with the power of it all and used his knowledge for his own rewards thus tearing children and adults apart for his own means. Every student turned another ear except 1, one young lady asked questions, she seemed to get it. One out 25 was better than none. When the pedophile's wife spoke they were like wild dogs on a bloody piece of meat, couldn't get enough. It was nauseating. I was frozen to my chair.
Suddenly my counselor wanted me to recount just how great my life was now, I couldn't speak. She and everyone else just looked at me, she wouldn't save me. I just sat there, in a panic. She called the class at an end. That woman next to me grabbed me and had the nerve to walk me to the parking lot, giving me a pep talk. I had worked for years and years on the damage my father had done to me and she had only been in therapy one month and she was telling me 'we' would be fine. I would NEVER BE FINE!!!!!! I couldn't talk and when she tried to hug me I was so outside myself I have no idea where I was. My counselor didn't call me that night or the next day. SHE LEFT ME HANGING AFTER 6 YEARS!! I had trusted her. We had done years of treatment, gone through so much. I had done EMDR with her, gone through my very brutal divorce, couples' counseling and she knew my ex, I had really liked her. I was deeply and confused by all of this and furious!!
I made an appt to see her, a final appt, to confront her. She said I looked good, I told her I always look good when I am doing my worst. I confronted her on leaving me hanging. I asked her why she did not stop the that woman from coming to the presentation. Why she told me that it was for survivors of abuse only. She told me at the last minute she found out this woman was coming at the last min. I told her she had could have given me the choice to stay or not, she did not. Regardless, she did nothing to stop this sick woman or sick questions from getting completely off point of verbal voyeurim. That was not what I agreed to. That these students could go to any prison to get the goods on that. I was mislead. I had never progressed to that point nor had said I had. After the excuses she apologized. Apolgized!!!
She offered as many sessions as it took to work through this issue with me, I declined and threw my copay on the floor on my way out. Dramatic, yes, but point made. I needed a professional and I didn't trust her word anymore, nor did I trust myself.
I thought I was in a place I was not. Double-edged sword. I turned it on me. Typical.
My stuff, excuse me. Exposure therapy, yes, I see it can work but not without someone trustworthy and not without a plan and follow-up. I feel for you Heather. Do I get the bad of it , yeah! do I get the benefits, yes!
Hugs,
Raining
