Extreme perfectionism feels like it's killing me.

[user57486]

Hello. I apologize in advance and I hope my post title isn't too alarming.

I don't know why I care or why I do it. I know I can never be perfect, I tell myself that everyday. But the thought of not measuring up to the standards I feel like I see out in the world depresses and sickens me to the point of impulsive, anger-driven suicidal ideation, legitimately.

Everybody around me right now is concerned by the mood swings, the constant undercurrent of anger, and my general unpredictability as of late. The way I see it my whole life has been spent being nobody, just a fat 0 of a human being who'll assimilate into the gray mass of life (Especially since without getting into it my family doesn't really love or care about me). Because of those feelings, I've tried harder than I ever have in my life to be a "normal" person and do things right, but no matter how hard I try everyday is still the same: Being overlooked by everybody, being "stuck" and not able to actually do my hobbies, and being the same pathetic loser I always was even when I was a boy.

I've stayed up late trying to participate in my hobbies, it's practically beckoning me these days. I've gone long days without talking to people or leaving my room, because I'd rather just be doing this and having even the slightest chance of not being me even for a second. I hope that alone illustrates how sick I am of my own mediocrity.

That being said, I hope everyone is having a good day.

 

[Sideways]

Welcome to the forum - hope that this is a space where you’re able to be yourself and not experience the pressure of quite so many impossible standards.

 

[Movingforward10]

What have you tried to help give yourself some counter messages?

There are some practical things you can do to help come out of your room for a little at a time. Build it up slowly.

And then there are some more deep routed therapeutic work to help on those core messages you have given yourself.
Where do you think this original message of perfectionism comes from?

 

[KA60]

Yes. Re train your brain. Positive messages that are different from the messages you have now. Positive ones about your self

 

[user57486]

What have you tried to help give yourself some counter messages?

There are some practical things you can do to help come out of your room for a little at a time. Build it up slowly.

And then there are some more deep routed therapeutic work to help on those core messages you have given yourself.
Where do you think this original message of perfectionism comes from?

I try to give myself counter-messages about how I'm good enough, feeling prideful of what I make or say or do, but it always feels like it rings hollow in the face of a reality that says otherwise. That's really what does it for me. I've really tried to just ignore it or ignore the cynical part of myself that's focusing on what I'm lacking in, but after awhile it becomes too much.

I've thought a lot about where it comes from, and the strange thing is that it feels difficult to say.

My best guess is that when I was a young child, my mother, my educational environment and various other negative influences started fostering the belief that if I wasn't up to a standard then I wasn't worth anything. I came to that conclusion because I remember my mother always pushing me to be a scientist or get into STEM, and my schools really pushed a lot of programs that aggressively tried to nudge me towards that direction. It feels like it was driven especially by the fact that my traumatic experience with childhood cancer made me feel like I needed to justify it somehow to myself by being successful, at least back at the time.

I used to cry a lot in school, usually because I did poorly on tests or couldn't understand how to do something because it made me feel like I was stupid, helpless and unworthy of anything else. It got to a point where I had a hard time making friends with anybody else, because everyone I guess didn't really know how to approach me given the degree of my problems. Then later on in middle school, I just sort of gave up and stopped caring about academics other than the bare minimum.

 

[Susan Jane]

Perfectionism for me was the ability to control the outcome of my activities so people would see no flaws in me. Trying to perfectly fit it. Well after years of trying I realized it was a goal I couldn’t ever reach, as perfect is in the eye of the beholder. Funny when that’s my eye, nothing I do is perfect enough, so maybe accepting myself as I am is perfect enough

 

[KA60]

I try to give myself counter-messages about how I'm good enough, feeling prideful of what I make or say or do, but it always feels like it rings hollow in the face of a reality that says otherwise. That's really what does it for me. I've really tried to just ignore it or ignore the cynical part of myself that's focusing on what I'm lacking in, but after awhile it becomes too much.

I've thought a lot about where it comes from, and the strange thing is that it feels difficult to say.

My best guess is that when I was a young child, my mother, my educational environment and various other negative influences started fostering the belief that if I wasn't up to a standard then I wasn't worth anything. I came to that conclusion because I remember my mother always pushing me to be a scientist or get into STEM, and my schools really pushed a lot of programs that aggressively tried to nudge me towards that direction. It feels like it was driven especially by the fact that my traumatic experience with childhood cancer made me feel like I needed to justify it somehow to myself by being successful, at least back at the time.

I used to cry a lot in school, usually because I did poorly on tests or couldn't understand how to do something because it made me feel like I was stupid, helpless and unworthy of anything else. It got to a point where I had a hard time making friends with anybody else, because everyone I guess didn't really know how to approach me given the degree of my problems. Then later on in middle school, I just sort of gave up and stopped caring about academics other than the bare minimum.

Boy I understand and resonate. My parents conservative and with their own history of trauma did similar with me. I remember my father as angry impatient unrealistic expectations etc..I havd an app in my phone called believe. I can write my own affirmations in opposition to what still remains in my head..my negative thoughts get far worse when I am tired in pain hungry dehydrated etc..

 

[Movingforward10]

It sounds like your sense of self was built on what you needed to achieve, rather than who you are?


I don't know if this reasonates but I'm working on understanding I matter and also developing a sense of how I impact others. Those, I think, are helping me develop my sense of self.
And with that, I think the need to be perfect is reducing.
If that makes any sense.

The counter messages are still good even if they aren't hitting the spot. Because it can help you with some day to day things. Getting used to being out there and making the errors we all do and being the messy humans we are.
.the deeper work, exploring the route cause, will help build those deeper foundations to allow the counter messages to fully reasonate.

Do you have a therapist?

 

[Susan Jane]

Perfectionism for me was the ability to control the outcome of my activities so people would see no flaws in me. Trying to perfectly fit it. Well after years of trying I realized it was a goal I couldn’t ever reach, as perfect is in the eye of the beholder. Funny when that’s my eye, nothing I do is perfect enough, so maybe accepting myself as I am is perfect enough

 

[EveHarrington]

Perfectionism is one of my OCD “themes”. It’s hard to work on as my PTSD is intertwined with my OCD. One theme is fortunately dormant at this time, but my perfectionism as well as one other theme pretty much dominate my life. It has a chokehold on me and it’s hard to chip away at it.

 

[user57486]

It sounds like your sense of self was built on what you needed to achieve, rather than who you are?


I don't know if this reasonates but I'm working on understanding I matter and also developing a sense of how I impact others. Those, I think, are helping me develop my sense of self.
And with that, I think the need to be perfect is reducing.
If that makes any sense.

The counter messages are still good even if they aren't hitting the spot. Because it can help you with some day to day things. Getting used to being out there and making the errors we all do and being the messy humans we are.
.the deeper work, exploring the route cause, will help build those deeper foundations to allow the counter messages to fully reasonate.

Do you have a therapist?

Not right now. I recently moved states about a year ago, and less than a couple of months into my new job I was unexpectedly laid off-- Got the usual story about "restructuring".)

Due to the financial predicament I've been in, I've been focused on trying to make ends meet. I've been poking around though, and there is a practice near me that does some kind of sliding-scale thing for low income households. Thinking I might check it out soon.

I'm doing a bit better since my last posting, not feeling as terrible about myself though I've definitely had my low moments. Doing my best to try and give myself grace and fight back against those feelings that feels like they've ruled my life forever.