Extreme Reactivity

[presentjoy]

So, what amounts to extreme reactivity for me, at least, has me very upset about myself.

I honestly don't know what's a flashback and what's just reactivity. J thinks I'm being manipulative. I'm not manipulating on purpose. I am having really bad avoidance patterns.

I mostly dissociate. I mostly curl up into an impossibly tight ball and say nothing. I am usually some form of passive aggressive, or passive. I can edge into self-harm territory, but even then, I'll get upset and cry, and dissociate and then self-harm, but I'm sort of in new territory here.

In the past while, and escalated in recent days, I have thrown things, thrashed to the point of hitting walls, I've screamed and yelled to the point of choking, I've run away in the middle of the night to walk the dark streets, I feel like a volatile substance just on the verge of exploding.

I'm usually such a reserved, bottled up person. This doesn't feel in the realm of "stop, think, before you throw that plate". It feels so fast, 0-60 in 0.003 seconds kind of fast. And when I try to suppress my reactions, it just builds into a worse explosion.

Words don't work so well for me, especially when I'm highly emotional. So verbally expressing how I feel seems out of reach. I need to figure out really concrete things I can do.

I don't want to hurt J or terrorize him with these kinds of volatile behaviors. I'm truly scared of myself.

I screamed and cried into a pillow yesterday until I fell asleep. The crying cycled between sadness, despair, and rage. I don't know if I can keep doing that. But maybe it's a start.

 

[radicalgratitude]

I'm truly scared of myself.

This might not be what you want to hear, but based on what I read and especially what I quoted, I think you need more intensive therapy. At least a day program if not inpatient, but intake could help you decide which is best. I hope you make the phone call as soon as possible, and I hope you feel better soon. I'll be thinking of you. :hug:

 

[presentjoy]

Not what I want to hear, but appreciate an honest opinion and support, over platitudes that don't mean much to my safety or J's.
Thanks rg.

It seems like calm in this household has amounted to a very careful stasis of non-communication.
:sorry: (this icon means so many more things than sorry. I think it's my most used)

 

[Raymondgmb1974]

I have had PTSD for 8 years ex army abused at young age by a old man and I'm ok-ish. But what I'm not ok-ish about is the hell and time it takes to even get therapy, when bad and wont help you when you are felling okay.

 

[presentjoy]

I lost it today so badly that I ended up having my speech just go out the window. Like I was trying to talk and gibberish was coming out. Thoughts were disorganized but I also couldn't produce words that went with the thoughts that made any sense. It was like I reached such a high stress load that my brain melted.

I reacted to something J said about my problems. I fled the conversation. I was trying to make food at 1pm, I hadn't eaten yet. He followed me out to the kitchen and kept trying to talk to me but I got more and more upset until I was collapsed on the floor beside the counter, wedged beside the washing machine. I kept asking J to go away because I could feel how unstable I was getting. He kept wanting to pursue the conversation. I screamed, swore, gave him the finger, all kinds of nasty things. Eventually he left. I tried to get a hold of myself for a long while before I could manage to figure out typing and get an email to therapist that barely made sense.

It was really scary, I couldn't tell whether I should call 911 because of how messed up it felt. I posted on my diary and got a grammar warning because I was still unable to type altogether well. That seems to really upset me when it happens. I guess it's related to prefectionism and ego crap. FML.

I feel ashamed of myself. I'm sorry J.

No one deserves that level of anger and screaming I put him through this afternoon. :cry: :sorry:

 

[arfie]

When I get like this I have to ride it to the end to get to root event. I try to keep my husband and family as far from the ride as I can. You are absolutely right that nobody deserves to be treated like that. It is something I have to work out on my own anyway.

In my own journey, the wave has led to various things, but repressed memories are the most common for me. Another piece of my damaged memory on the mend.

Gentle hugs, presentjoy. Hope you find what it is for you. Deep breaths.