Facebook Upset Me

[Melody coates]

so i'm being nosy on facebook and i see a status update from a relative saying this "thank you (my abuser) for being such a pesty grandma!! i hope i become just a good as you one day. 20-30 years from now i will REALLY thank you. thanks for looking out for you grandkids. love you". this woman who has abused me, my other adopted siblings, and her own biological children is being thanked! meanwhile i'm over here all messed up in the head from this woman and seeking therapy. how do the rest of you handle this? seeing your family be all happy around your abuser(s) and you off in the sidlines with PTSD and other mental illnesses? :(

 

[shimmerz]

My suggestion would be to get off of Facebook. No contact is best. That includes passive contact.

 

[scout86]

For myself, it bugs me a little on one level. But, I've never named this person in public. No one else in the family necessarily knows what went on. I figure other people's experience with this person (and I guess it would be more accurate to say "these people") is different than mine so their feelings about them are also going to be different than mine. If I want other people to agree with me, I need to make my case to the public and get them to see things my way. So far, I haven't been interested in doing that.

 

[ihateusernames]

In your situation I would avoid it. If you can't drag yourself away from FB then de-friend your family or block them. All of them. That way you can message whomever you want, but you won't have to see anything they post. I have friends who I block. I can't handle their posts for different reasons. My mom was heavily abusive and more often than not very drunk growing up, but she's a lot different now. Everything is completely different. And I mostly feel bad for her over those times. My dad ruined her life. It doesn't excuse how she treated me, but it makes it easier for me to process. So anyway, she doesn't act as any form of trigger to me unless she's drinking. So having family on facebook is fine for me.

I think the closest I can relate to your situation is when my dad died and my grandmother always wanted to talk about him- she still does, but back then it was neverending and she always expected me to have some response that I couldn't have. And then seemed angry when I didn't. It is really hard to cope with, to not blow up at her, to not run away and avoid her completely. In that situation I tune her out and when she seems done I change the subject. I also try to see things from her perspective. She always had blinders to him. There was no way to convince her before and there's no need now. She's old. I just let her be.

 

[The Albatross]

For one I don't facebook. For another I respect that other people have opinions that are different though not particularly well informed as mine. Lastly I remind myself I scan through the tinted glasses of being a victim of abuse.

 

[Kintsugi]

I do not use any social media for this reason. I do have a FB page. I call it "The Graveyard," because the only people who still attempt to reach me this way are either A) acquaintances, whom I have no use for as a reclusive and B) past abusers, stalkers, other obsessive toxic people. I actually tell (real) friends that the reason I have it is to use as a toxic people spider web. People find me there, they try and try, and then they don't keep seeking me out elsewhere, or they return there when they get the insane urge to keep messing with me.

The reason I went no contact with my primary abuser--while we lived in the same damn house--was because of this effect of seeing my abuser interact with people I love, and these people being so accepting and welcoming of him. Enough of them knew enough (I have no idea what they knew; I wasn't allowed the luxury of disclosing my own effing trauma in my own effing words) that it just pushed me over the deep end. The really deep end. The dissociate-for-hours-daily-stop-sleeping-for-days-eat-less-than-400-calories-a-day-living-in-constant-panic deep end.

I don't think I will ever participate in any widely-used social media (exceptions are niche forums like this one) where I might potentially be discovered by my abusers. I don't find social media valuable to me in any way, though. I do not need to know what your "status" is. If we're friends, text me. If we're not friends, go find a life and live it, or at least leave me alone to live mine. If I need to be reminded that your birthday is coming up, or I didn't know you were getting married or having a baby, or if I haven't talked to you since OMG HIGH SCHOOL, RIGHT?!, then you are probably not someone I care a whole lot about. Plain and simple. The only reconnections I have made through social media were toxic, trivial one-off "hellos," or just bad decisions to contact people I do not really need in my life.

Sorry for the diatribe. My head's been a little off lately. But seriously, is it worth it? If I see a photo of my primary abuser's face, I will have emotional whiplash for days or weeks. Screw that noise. I would rather take a hammer to my thumb. It would hurt less and heal faster.

 

[Friday]

When I was using Facebook:

I opened a second account that has absolutely no one on it (even if I am friends with them IRL) that is friends with my ex. Not even my kid. It is an ex-free-zone.

On my other account I have him blocked, and my security setting to be friends only... Not friends of friends. Nothing is perfect, things leak through, so I only used it to keep tabs on people occasionally / never posted.

I had no internet/phone for about 2 years, though. And since coming back to being online? I only go keep tabs once every few months. Like 6.